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Dysfunctional Dictionary volume 1

Updated on January 20, 2013

"Constipate"

When someone starts talking a lot of crap you tell them to constipate, which basically means shut the hole in your face.

I almost got arrested when I told the cop who pulled me over to constipate, after he started asking me if I knew how fast I was going...I told him obviously not fast enough because he still caught me.

“Jalopy /Hooptie”

An old, beat up car that is falling apart and normally held together by
duct tape, plastic bags and bungee cords...other noticeable signs would be the
muffler dragging on the ground, rust throughout and/or a make shift antenna made from
a wire coat hanger.

My family was so attached to their Jalopy/Hooptie that they never got
rid of them; instead they put them on cinder blocks and kept them in
the front yard of our house...the white-trash version of garden gnomes.

"Robin' Hood"

A hood that robs from anyone and gives to the liquor store and/or local drug dealer.

My family was full of Robin' Hoods! They would wait until we were sleeping or out of the house then steal our money so they could go get their buzz on.

"Fathers Day"

A day where you honor the many fathers in your life...that is if you can find them. Around our neck of the woods this day is called fathers day...not father's day...for obvious reasons.

Fathers day was always a nightmare at my house, we never knew if we should break the bank and buy something for all four of our fathers, or if we should just pick our favorite.

"Happy Hour"

When you're broke and trying to get your drunk on, you search the
house for anything containing alcohol and you drink it down.

When I was younger I used to hate happy hour at my house, my uncles
would be in the bathroom for an hour or so, then come out smelling
really good and with really fresh breathe and drunk off their butts.
Come to find out they drank all the mouth wash, aftershave and night
time cold medicine. They would always tell me that those products weren't meant to drink, then why did they come with shot glasses!

"Alcoholics Anonymous"

A meeting for alcoholics where they come together and discuss their problems and try to figure out why they're an alcoholic. They receive support and guidance from others, who try to help them overcome this addiction (or as some call it a disease). These are the same people who weren't too worried about being anonymous when they're down at the local bar screaming and yelling and causing a ruckus. Why is it you can act the fool in public, but need to be anonymous when you're trying to get help...one would think it would be the other way around?

My druncles and alcoholaunts would go to their alcoholics’ anonymous meetings to satisfy their probation officers requirments, and then on the way home they would stop at the bar and get their drunk on.

"Repo Man"

Kind of like Santa Clause for poor people, except he comes all year round and takes your stuff instead of leaving you presents.

We saw the repo man more times than we saw Santa Clause growing up, so we would leave him milk and cookies.

"Brown Bagging"

Concealing an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag, with the delusion that nobody knows what you're drinking.

My druncle, a brown bagger when it came to lunch, however his didn't consist of a sandwich, dessert and a juice box.

“Fire In The Hole”

Basically feeling as if you’re pooping lava!

I always have regrets after eating spicy food, because after is all said and done I feel like I got butt banged by a lit candle. I once had fire in the hole so bad that I took a frozen tampon and stuck it up my hole.

“Chew & Screw aka Eat’em & Beat’em”

Going to a restaurant, ordering food, eating it and then not having any money to pay for it. After the meal, and when the bill comes, you make a mad dash for the door with the hopes of not getting caught.

My druncles were the kings of the chew & screw. Most of the time their bail was more than their meal, so I don't really get it, but I guess in their minds, if they spent their money on food they wouldn't have any left for alcohol.

"F.R.I.E.N.D."

An acronym for Fictional Relationships with Inanimate Electronic Nonhuman Devices... basically anyone whose only friends are made up of people they have never met in person and only know and interact with them through some sort of electronic means.

Power outages are very lonely times when all the people you know are F.R.I.E.N.D.s...it’s sad to know that the hand shake and smile has been replaced by the words “online now” or "thumbs up".

“Basketball Check”

A check you write when you have no funds in your bank account and the ultimate outcome is it bouncing like a basketball. Picture it, the check (basketball) being passed to the payee (dribbled) and coming back to you with an extra fee (penalty).

My family wrote many basketball checks during my childhood, with the hopes that it would buy us just a little more time with our utilities, rent and just about any other bill before they were shutoff and/or we started being hounded by mr. bill collector. Who the H E double hockey sticks wants to cook Ramen Noodles with a candle!

"European American"

Basically, another word for white, cracker, etc..

All the other races have cool descriptions like African American, Native American and so on and so fourth...so why can't us white people have a cool description too? When I fill out an application and it asks race, I always check other and write in European American. I want to know what it feels like to be a minority without going through all hate crimes, job rejections and police profiling!

"Scamsel In Distress"

A female who acts helpless whenever a male is around...fooling him into doing her bidding. Basically reverse fishing, using the "seafood" as the bait to catch the "worm"!

I have a "friend" who always gets suckered in to the scamsel in distress scam, I....errr oops I mean he is always doing things for all these woman with the hopes of getting some super freak action later...but he never does...how sad.

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    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream that's awesome...you laugh until you pee...I love it. See that's what I'm talking about...just cut loose and enjoy life girl.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      ...but yes, if I laugh to hard I've been known to tinkle a bit ;-)

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      No, I sit at the computer, bouncing in my chair until my bladder is about to explode then after I take care of business, I'm like; "Oh, better get a drink before I head back to the computer, usually accompanied by a plate, bag or box of something. Forrest says; "You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes", well you can find out anything you need to know about me in my den garbage! Ha

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream the meds my dad takes are prescribe too...which makes me wonder about these doctors we have in this country.

      You get a drink...then run right to the bathroom...girl you better get that checked out...that's not normal.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Michael,

      Lol, I don't know about your dad, but my dad's doctor tells him he has to take all of the medications. (It's gotta be about commission or stock shares or something). Um so I just got up to grab a drink and lost like 15 minutes of my life in the kitchen and bathroom. Those are 2 danger zones for me, I swear, if my computer seat was a toilet and I had a fridge and microwave in my den, I'd never leave the computer. They'll all be the death of me!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescreamyou know I always got your back...we're down like four flats baby.

      Don't freak out...relax and take it one tab at a time...it's really not all that hard.

      I know what you mean about fathers and meds...mine eats them like jelly beans...and yet doesn't think he has a problem.

      Where's the bird...c'mon share dang it!

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      You're freakin' awesome! I swear, once I learn how to manage my 30 open tabs at any given time, I am going to try to be more "regular" on your pages. Not as a favor, I think your blogs are great, I just don't know how to manage it all. Seems like every time I enter a page I'm right-clicking something and opening a new tab. I'm not even kidding, right now, I have like 15-20 tabs open and each one of them is causing me anxiety because I'm thinking, okay you have to tend to these before you open anymore and then next thing you know... I'm buried in more tabs. I really do try to deal with them in the order they were opened but, gosh. I might need to be medicated? Joke, I hate medications! I don't like "masking" real problems; problems need to be solved, not hidden. Besides, my father takes 15 pills for breakfast, 32 for luch and about 10 at bedtime oh and this started because of high blood pressure, but then they had to give him one to counter what that pill was doing and so on. It's retarded and not to mention... what's really in those pills, any pills? See, look at that... I just saw a bird and got distracted.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream just be yourself...don't sweat what people think...if they don't want to be your friend on those sites then they won't be...just relax and enjoy the ride.

      You will get views...but unfortunately they don't always stay for long and/or leave comments...trust me it's not just you...it's everybody. Just imagine what people think when they see my crap...probably that the died and went to a crazy ass hell.

      Just keep promoting it...don't let up.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Aw, thanks brother bear.

      Phew... I have some random relationships on some of those sites, but I figured if I am connected to someone on say HP, then I'd probably be more apt to find an interest or connection with them on those sites than some of the random relationships I already have.

      Don't mention the links, no one else will. ha ha ha, just joking! I don't know who, but my account shows approx. 30/day visiting my blog, 'course once they get there they're probably like, "ah, what the hell did I do? Back, back, back" That's okay, I'll give people a reason to come and stay soon, it's still a virgin.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream stop being so hard on yourself...it's all a work in progress...and you're doing just fine my dear.

      It's not "stalky" if you like their work...and that is primarily what they use those accounts for...like me...then it's all good.

      By the way...thanks for the links on your blog...I really appreciate it.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Oh um yeah, another thing. If you follow someone on, say HP, is it "stalky" to then follow them on twitter, FB, Pinterest? Or is that relatively normal? Cause um, I might be turned into the authorities if that's considered obsessive behavior. :-0

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      No, you're not slow, I am! It's unforgettable because it's retarded. At least I'm not in denial! Boo hoo boo hoo hoo. Hey, I just started HP, Pinterest, Facebook (a new one anyway), Twitter, LinkedIn and Blogger within the last few weeks. I admit, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It'll come right?

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream oh yeah...I have been there...sorry I thought you were talking about a new blog you just started. Yes it's a blog...I'm just slow...please forgive me.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Um, Michael, unless I'm even more retarded than I thought, you've already been to my virgin blog. That is a blog isn't it? My blog statistics show you've been there. Again, I'm I could be retarded and looking at stats of where I travel to from my blog? I dunno. I created it like a week ago and it's extremely cheesy. I'm not sure that I should be promoting it yet. I don't really know what direction to go with it. I'm kind of the ADHD kind of nicher, my thoughts are all over the place! But um, that little head icon on my profile page leads to what I thought was "my blog". Wow, if that's not a blog, then I'm in far more trouble than I thought. ;-(

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream...girl we are one in the same...when you hurt...I hurt...well at least I think I do.

      I'm telling you...drop Hub Pages...transfer all your work and your energy over to a blog...it's so much more rewarding. You must know though, it does take a lot of work to get your blog out there and you probably won't get as many comments as you do with Hub Pages...but it's a lot more fun and you have a ton more artistic freedom.

      Girl you know I'm here for you...no matter what...just say the word.

      What's the website address for your blog...I would like to check it out? If you don't want to post the web address here...then send it to me on Facebook.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Michael,

      Aw, you're so stinkin supportive! I value your opinion; that's why I asked, plus, I feel like we kind of share a very similar sense of humor. I do want to get serious about a blog but I felt like I should get something (i.e. HubPages) established first. I have a tendency to start 100 projects and never finish any of them. I thought, once I got myself a nice solid foundation here, I could branch off? I don't know though, this place takes a lot of stress any energy. I'm conscious of my Hubber score and so I'm constantly reading, commenting, upping, hopping, posting...bla bla bla, in an attempt to have a descent number, unfortunately, that takes away from time that I could be/would be finishing the dozen hubs I have partially written. It's also taking up time that I could be establishing a blog and honestly I wish I could spend more time over at your blogs because they're awesome and I would love to read every stinkin' post, but I just don't know how to divide my time. How do you decide where to put your time and energy?

      I so appreciate you offering your help and if you don't think I'll be calling upon you for it, you're crazy. FYI, I added your links to my cheesy-virgin-blog; the best thing going for my site!

      You're the best :-)

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream I'm not necessarily shy...I just get embarrassed real easily...but that doesn't mean I still don't act the fool when I'm out.

      Girl my only advice to you in regards to your writing is to be yourself and don't worry about what others think...as cliché as that sounds it is true. The people who like what you have to offer will like you no matter what...the people who judge you and try to change you are the people you can do without. Your sense of humor is great…and needs to be shared…to hide it from the world is unfair and truly an injustice.

      Hub Pages is a hard place to be free and let your hair down...that is why you have to make yourself a blog...it's great...you have so much freedom and no one to answer to. Let me know if you go that route and I will be more than happy to help you out.

      Anything other than the dollar store is too rich for my blood...I consider fine dining the dollar menu at Mickey Ds.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Oh don't tell me you're shy in person? Fear the stage? I need to take you shopping at WalMart, most of the time my company leaves me in the store. I have never been one for being shy... which has led me to many of my troubles. I don't even know what it feels like for my cheeks to be red. ;-)

      Yeah, this "taboo" thing, uh is it a bit of a hurdle? It seems every time I stray into that territory, I offend people on HP and though much of my inspiration is in that realm of comedic relief, I don't feel it's overly accepted? I guess there are thousands of hubbers and I've been hanging out in one corner, not knowing there was "funny" stuff on here. Don't get me wrong, I like the people I've been "hangin'" with and even serious hubs sometimes have a humorous tone to them, but should people like us ho around the "humor" pages? I would like to think that many people appreciate many styles, I don't want to be restricted to having to write in any one particular area. I'd like to think my "followers" would appreciate me wherever I go.

      The "tight-butt" thing, so I've noticed there is quite a "churchy-feel" to a lot of hubbers and almost act like "there is a time and a place for it". Why not here? This is the internet? This is entertainment, right? What really gets me is that I'll watch some people comment on hubs of people that they actually like and flatter them and talk about how funny their "tongue-in-cheek" hub was, or the "poetry" hubs can get quite explicit and it's like "bravo", "thumbs up". Then I use the word slutty in a funny sentence (totally an example) and people shun me? I almost think "it's funny" if you have the "right friends". Does that make any sense? You've been hear longer than me, maybe I'm just too new to see how it really works.

      Craigslist to rich for you blood? Ha, whatta ya buy your cars at garage sales? No actually I have a 2 year old car, with about 10,000 miles on it and I drove it for 6 years. Then, I get this boyfriend that has automotive ADHD and we're buying, selling, trading, bartering. I'm not kidding you, I have bought a car on craigslist, registered and insured it and resold it before I got the title in the mail... more than once. I don't even bother programming radio stations or setting the clocks anymore because by the time I do, we're selling it. I get nervous every time I see him click that little purple peace sign!

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Cantuhearmescream thanks so much for the positive feedback...and for the vote of confidence...I really appreciate it. I am perfectly fine sitting behind a keyboard posting my nonsense...no one sees me and I don't freak out...granted I only bring in enough to buy a gumball, but at least I'm not all nervous...and puking everywhere.

      I love writing about what most people consider taboo...that what makes it fun...at least for me it does. We have way too many tight-butt people walking around nowadays...people need to lighten up and relax a little bit.

      I'm just a regular hoe...no Craigslist for me...that's too rich for my blood.

      Trust me...I know about "fire in the hole"...all too well. I always make the same mistake...but I can't help it...I love spicy food...it's my booty hole that doesn't.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Okay Michael, seriously, where the hell did you grow up and how many times can you hit that "thumbs up" button? I clicked violently until I realized the color was stuck. OMG ( I never resort to such talk, but sometimes it's necessary), who wants to call who funny? These are the conversations that we reminisce about at our family reunions, but you, you post them on the internet; talk about the balls of King Kong. I have so many ADHD moments (do I need another A for Adult AADHD?), reading your hubs. I get that Barney from "Simpsons" goofy smile/laugh on my face and nod in agreement while trying to remember what the last thing I wanted to comment about was. I will pay you to go on a stage and tell these same jokes. What are you making $3.00 a month on HP? You could be rolling in dough or tomatoes, but I'm guessing dough.

      So, when you're a Craigslist ho like me, you'll own 20 Jalopies between graduation and umm... I let you know. Throw a fart can on the bad boy and you're a bad ass.

      You knew I couldn't leave the "fire in the hole" alone, well with our poop-bond, but you know that one's that really get me? You're eating something super spicy and you start to consider how it will affect your future bathroom visits, but then decide that the super spicy goodness now, outweighs the fire in the hole in the future. So you eat and you enjoy. Then the inevitable happens, you're pullin' down the old drubs getting ready for your flamin' number 2 and what to my suprise? No fire? Wow, wipes sweat off forehead, phew. Then like a sneaky little bastard, when you least expect it and think the cost is clear that fire in the hole shows up later! So not fair, if it's gonna be, it ought be the poo following the spicy food.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @LalyFiddler trust me I know for sure...we have a whole bunch of them in my family alone.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 4 years ago from On planet Earth

      Lol sure right about that

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @LadyFiddler i know there's more out there...they're everywhere...they're all around us.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 4 years ago from On planet Earth

      Your something else lol your drunckles wasn't the only ones ordering and running I know of two people that do that regular at different restaurants.

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @Gus thank you so much my friend...I'm really glad you liked what I had to say and thanks for the support...I really appreciate it. You sir rock.

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 4 years ago from USA

      Michael John (MichaelJohnMele) -

      There is the possibility that peachpurple, commenting directly above, has said it all. The words were all so big that I did not understand most of them, but they certainly helped to anchor this hub to the screen for their sheer weight. Good stuff. It's tough to be a writer these days, so it is good to have great commenters come along to do acrobatics and hand clapping - whichever is appropriate.

      Almost forgot to tell you that I enjoyed the pix, too.

      Gus :-)))

    • MichaelJohnMele profile image
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      Michael John Mele 4 years ago from Seffner, Florida

      @peachpurple thank you so much for the feedback...and of course the love...I greatly appreciate it. Glad I could help you laugh.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 4 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      I love yr hub. Funny and interesting. I like the Robin hood and Scamsel in distress. Awfully, entertaining my friend. Voted funny, useful, awesome, interesting except beautiful cause I don't find the lady a beauty. Great job!!!