The Worst Christmas Songs of All-Time: Part Deux
Last year, I decided to examine several Christmas songs that go together with holiday cheer like Frosty and a space heater.
As bad as the songs discussed in that previous article were, it became obvious to me over the course of the year that last Christmas' list had plenty of unfortunate company.
So here it is. Prepare for five more Christmas songs better left in the smoldering fires of Hell that spawned them.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
When it came time for novelty songwriters Elmo and Patsy to come up with a jolly Christmas tune, they naturally chose the funniest topic possible: Death and dismemberment of a loved one due to a horrible accident.
In this case, a family's beloved alcoholic grandmother is trampled to death by a red-suited, sleigh-driving madman who may or may not possess a driver's license. Clearly, this is perfect fodder for a Christmas comedy classic.
Keeping with that unapologetically sociopathic theme, the song's sadistic narrator graphically describes the deceased granny's corpse ("Hoof-prints on her forehead! Incriminating paws marks on her back!) and suggests the grieving family return all of their murdered grandma's unopened Christmas gifts to the Kmart from whence they came.
To a reasonably sane person, this song is about as funny as inflamed hemmorhoids on your birthday and about as fun to listen to as six Grizzly bears having sex with two and a half horribly mutilated hikers. Don't ask me how I know that.
Anyway, in spite of all this, the tune was successful; and it eventually led Elmo and Patsy to try their magical song-writing hands at a sequel.
Fortunately for all of us, Frosty is Composed Entirely of Elf Urine and Children's Tears and Rudolph's Red Nose May Actually be a Malignant Tumor never quite took off in the same way.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
In much the same manner as Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town also casts Father Christmas as little more than a bloated homicidal maniac.
Instead of playing this theory for laughs, however, the latter song serves as a stern warning to children of all ages: If you don't behave yourself, Santa Claus will straight-up effing kill you in your sleep.
Don't believe me? Have a gander at these lyrics... and begin to know the true meaning of fear.
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
In other words, for the love of God clean up your room, go to bed on time, always eat your vegetables and don't even think about telling the police that Dad comes home every night smelling like Skol Vodka and dead, rotting strippers.
Why? Because Santa Claus is on his way, he's seriously pissed off, and no amount of cookies and milk can ever make him forgive you for exhibiting any of the ordinary emotions associated with being a normal human child.
Now that's something to pout about.
A case of the holiday blues is nothing new for a lot folks this time of year, and a great many Christmas tunes have successfully combined Santa and seasonal depression simply because of this regrettably melancholy fact (see Blue Christmas or I Guess There Ain't No Santa Claus for proof).
But none have done so quite like this.
Last Christmas, released in 1984 by Wham! and covered by the likes of Coldplay and Taylor "Please Eat a Freaking Sandwich" Swift, takes a holiday break-up way past the breaking point and shines a Times Square Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony's-worth of glimmering holiday bulbs on clinical co-dependency and all-out creepiness.
If you're not familiar with this song, please feel free to fall on your knees in thankfulness to whatever deity guides your existence before you read these lyrics.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
And the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
So let me get this straight...
The narrator of this song was totally into his or her girlfriend/boyfriend last Christmas, so much so that he/she pledged his/her undying love to that person as a special sort of holiday gift.
The next morning, for undisclosed reasons, the recipient rejected the narrator's advances and left him/her out in the figurative Christmas cold.
Undaunted, the song's protagonist vows to find love again one year later, clearly having not learned a goddamn thing in the last 365 days.
Now listen, at one time or another we've all had to come to the unfortunate realization that the person we had romantic feelings for is, in reality, little more than a two-faced, lying, cheating, heartless, smelly pirate hooker. That's a given.
So it should go without saying that turning around and going after "someone special" without giving oneself the necessary time to get over the previous year's duplicitous, self-absorbed Skankasaurus Rex without a soul is generally just a bad idea.
Aside from some fairly in-depth cognitive behavioral therapy, what the many singers of this sad-sack song really need for Christmas is a stocking full of Shut the F**k Up.
Check Amazon.com for availability. It's a hot item this year!
The Snow Miser Song
I realize that I'm very likely the only living human being who doesn't care for those old stop-motion animated Christmas specials. You know, Rudolph, The Year Without a Santa Claus and all that.
I'm also keenly aware that, for reasons far beyond unfathomable to me, a huge part of the population maintains an affinity for them that more than equals my disdain.
But the following rancid ragtime ditty proves one thing: I'm right.
Not convinced? Check out the crappy clip below and weep amongst yourselves.
Yep. Someone actually thought that was a good idea.
The Snow Miser Song begins when the chilly titular lovechild of some unholy union between John Lithgow and Gary Busey bursts onto the scene and belts out what is probably the only song ever recorded that's worse than rupturing a testicle.
The one bit of solace I get out of this song is altering some of the lyrics a little. For example, instead of "turns to to snow in my clutch," try "sticking things in my butt." That's always fun...well, changing the lyrics anyway.
And when Snow Miser boasts "I'm too much," just shout "this song sucks!"
Because it does. A lot. Like a Jenna Jameson-sponsored Dirt Devil.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is this: In the grand pantheon of terrible things, this song ranks behind only Michael Bay movies and being forced to watch Michael Bay movies. Yeah, it's that bad.
Snow Miser is pretty much the Christmas song equivalent of finding Santa's dead, festering corpse stuck in your chimney on Christmas Eve, wedged among eight emaciated, cannibalistic reindeer and carrying a sack of gifts containing only Snuggies and Fushigi Balls.
Okay, I'm done.
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Enjoying the timelessly playful duet, Baby, It's Cold Outside, is perhaps the best way to spend Christmas in prison this year.
A popular Christmas ditty for many couples, this holiday staple is a sort of call and answer between a pair of young lovers weighing the possibility of being separated in a snowstorm.
But it's not nearly that innocent.
In fact, Baby, It's Cold Outside is likely the most cheerful song ever written about unwanted intercourse that wasn't composed by a member of Death Row Records.
According to Wikipedia, the author of the song refers to the female protagonist as "the mouse" and the randy gentleman as "the wolf." Police reports refer to them as "victim" and "primary suspect."
Now, there are many things we don't want for Christmas: Extra bills, fruitcake, turkey comas, a Republican Congress, another Twilight movie...the list goes on and on. But for most people, at the top of that list is very likely "finding out my significant other could someday turn out to be a horny, roofie-dropping serial rapist."
Guess we should have seen that coming, too.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Published December 21, 2011