Emily The Bachelorette Episode 1: The Geek Walk

Bring us your lowly, overly-confident-yet-extremely-insecure, semi-employed fools and we shall parade them in front of the fair Emily, who is far too good for all of them combined. That’s right, it’s time for another installment of The Bachelorette…or The Desperation Games, as I like to call it.

This time, it’s the pristine Brad-Winner-Turned-Reject Emily who gets to sort through the garbage in hopes of finding a treasure. The question is why on Earth would she want to drag herself through this chaos again? She lives in a bombtastic house with her angelic daughter and was so coveted by the show, that they brought production to her adopted hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. She’s got a sad story, a heap of money, and the face of a Girl Next Door (ahem, Holly Madison) which makes her a strange combination of Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats and Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire (“I’m the oldest 26-year old in the world”). Hopefully, per Emily’s request, her former fiancées won’t be the center of every conversation this season, but then again, that’s what the fast-forward button is for. I don’t know why she said yes, but I’m glad she did because no matter what, it can’t be any worse than that hair-twirler, Ashley.

Let’s start with a little dating advice: Real Estate Consultant in Los Angeles = unemployed. Singer/Songwriter in NYC = unemployed. Not judging, just filling in the blanks. Some people are into homeless guys with cardboard personalities (I guess Emily is not, since both of those fools were sent packing). Whatever tickles your pickle.

Anyway, we were introduced to the usual barrage of geeks, clowns, and mama’s boys. However, the title of King of the Obnoxious belongs to Kalon (and not just for his ridiculous name). Anyone who claims they’ve toned it down a lot and then shows up in a helicopter has clearly always been a loser. His little Revenge of the Nerds act is too much for me. If you have to boast about how much money you have you’re either a liar or have nothing else to offer but a few boring expensive dinners.

Tony, the first single dad introduced, seemed to have a lot of potential…and then Strike 1: he used the “this guy” line. That is very rarely funny and his attempt at humor made my eyes do summersaults. Strike 2: There was a close-up of his face. What the hell is that wannabe soul patch? Being able to grow one is sad enough, but attempting to grow one and failing is beyond shameful. I feel like even his ancestors are embarrassed right now.

Speaking of pathetic, David (the singer/songwriter from NYC) boasted of his songwriting abilities—that music pours from his soul like sweat from a hot yoga class. To demonstrate his earthshattering talent, he sang an original song inspired by his newfound affection for his potential paramour. Too bad it consisted of two words: Emma Leeeee Emma Leeee! Later, he tried to talk down about North Carolina by asking, “who chose this place?” in his most condescending tone. Don’t front like you’re from the City, kid. We can all smell stench of Virginia on your breath.

Jef-with-one-F seems like he might have bodies buried under his front porch…or he still sleeps in Spiderman pajamas. Either way, he gives me the creeps. I feel like I have a lot of idiot friends who have been on first dates with guys like this. They fall for his seemingly child-like wonder only to discover that he’s unable to think beyond a 4th-grade level. Job? What job? Paying bills is for squares. Let’s go play!

I love how they recruit guys who have been through some trauma (remember Blake’s crazy mold story) like they’re automatically more interesting. Take Charlie, for example, who unfortunately fell down one day. He actually seems like he has some potential, but I do not want to hear his broken head story during every episode. Then there’s Arie, who is all in one piece, but he was definitely chosen because he’s a racecar driver. It’s like the producers were hoping that would inspire some first-night tears. Failure. Now that he’s made that little “confession” to Emily, I hope it’s not brought up every time they pass each other in the hallway.

Alessandro may claim to be from Brazil, but with that American accent, I’m gonna say he studied abroad in Brazil for about 6 weeks…..10 years ago. Emily must have said she has a thing for dudes from out-of-town because she got a second dose of sub-equator lava from Alejandro (I actually believe he’s Colombian though). I’m not sure either of them has anything to offer other than the ability to roll their Rs—which is a pretty handy talent.

Two of my personal highlights were Stevie, the “Party MC” from New Jersey and Randy, the cross-dresser. I have a sneaky suspicion that Stevie is actually a part-time wedding DJ who works as a grocery store cashier during the week and watches Jersey Shore marathons on his mom’s couch. Meanwhile, Randy has seen Psycho one too many times and is on the brink of some sort of episode. The producers really pulled out the big guns for ol’ Emily here.

Doug’s son wrote Emily a letter, which was a smart move. I wonder if Doug gave him an extra dollar in his allowance for writing it and an extra $5 for helping him get the First Impression Rose. I appreciate those parenting tactics.

Is it just me or is it 1993? First you’ve got Jef showing up with his skateboard, then Music Mike from Austin arrives with some Seattle-style grunge hair do. Seriously, what is the vetting process for this show? “Must be able to take an indefinite time off of work. Must like to use the word ‘connection’ at least 70 times a day.”—yep, that’s the entire application.

When rejected on the first night, just hug, say goodbye, and maybe wish her well. Remember, it’s not “devastating” to anything but your ego, and you’re only going to humiliate yourself more by crying or throwing a fit of any kind. The dude who took of his shirt was clearly in a life-or-death circumstance. He was about to drown in his own body sweat if he didn’t get out of that outfit right away. Maybe that’s why Emily didn’t pick him---and I didn’t even pick up his name. Ah well.

Sidebar: Brent has SIX kids, which explains his nametag gimmick. He probably makes tall his children wear them so he knows which one he’s grounding. I want to know if they’re all from one sextomom, or perhaps he’s had a lot of one-night stands, or maybe he donated a lot of sperm to pay his way through college and has been traveling the country and adopting all of his wayward children. Why did he get kicked off before we got the story?

“Being engaged is really special and should be saved for someone you’re going to marry.”—Emily

“I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” –Charlie

First Impression: Doug

Chris Bobble Head

Ryan

Kalon Helicopter Man

Arie Speed racer

Charlie

Jef The 12-Year Old

Nate

Sean

Joe Hair Line

Kyle

Aaron Hipster Glasses

Alejandro Colombian Coffee

John “Wolf” Grrrrr

Alessandro Really From Minnesota but Speaks Spanish

Michael Get a Haircut

Stevie Jersey Shore Party MC

Tony

Travis Dragon Egg