Emily The Bachelorette Ep 9: No Tropical Fantasy
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Sean’s Suite Dreams
Emily seemed to be enjoying the last few weeks of dating multiple guys before settling for one bozo for the “rest of her life” (AKA the next 3 months or so). The remaining three were taken to a beautiful Caribbean island, all hoping to see if the plastic surgery rumors were true about their lovely lady. Alas, Emily kept it classy by not FULLY taking advantage of the infamous Fantasy Suites.
For her first dead-end date, she and Sean finally did what Ryan dreamed about on Day 1: they took a helicopter ride! I bet they were tense walking up to the chopper, secretly wondering if Kalon was going to appear and insist on riding shotgun on their date. Luckily, this did not occur and they went about their beachy way.
Sean struggled to unleash the L-Monster on Emily, instead opting to keep things on a classic Madonna level by muttering things like “I’m crazy about you” throughout the day. Thanks to his lucky star, he got into the groove and was able to fully express himself. (No idea why this paragraph turned into an homage to Madonna, but it did. You’re welcome.)
Sean wrote little Ricki a letter, which was only to be given to her if Sean won. Anyone else dying to know where this letter is now? Of interesting note, Sean has very girly handwriting just like “Chris Harrison’s” writing on the Fantasy Suite cards. Suspicious.
Ultimately, Emily and Sean spent their Fantasy time in the pool and she struggled to show him the door. Clearly, she wanted to scope out his sculpted bod one more time. The same could not be said for Jef’s little weeny body.
Dr. Evil Says, "Keep It In Your Pants."
Chastity PSA Presented By Jef
Jef and Emily spent their date waxing poetic about things like soul mates and “getting” each other. Their dates are like something out of weird teen soap operas. She was relieved to learn that his family likes her, which should have been obvious since he didn’t self-eliminate last week. He talked about taking her to South Carolina to see his parents during prison visiting hours (I promise, one day I’ll let this go) if he won. How adorable.
Jef seemed a lot more mature and realistic about the future than I expected. He is concerned about their relationship since he has never met Ricki. He also asked if she was going to uproot everything and move to Utah. Emily still gives the fairy tale type of answers about packing up and starting a new life outside of Charlotte to be with the man she loves. Great idea in theory, until she wakes up in an unfamiliar state with a dude she barely knows. Ok, enough with the skepticism…for now.
When the Fantasy situation arose, Jef was the one to give Emily the speech about how it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to share a hotel room on national TV. She was disappointed that she wasn’t the one doing the rejecting (I’m not sure she could really be surprised). After holding hands on the couch for a little while, Jef declared, “It’s time to bridle these passions” and went back to his room. Oh the romance.
What Do You Mean I Look Like Danny Zuko?
The Emily & Arie Makeout Hour
Emily and Arie took a break from feeling each other up to swim with dolphins. I guess they don’t show reruns of “Flipper” in West Virginia because Emily was inexplicably terrified of the gentle creatures. They’re like the golden retrievers of the water. Of course, it could have been her excuse to be “rescued” by the fearless Arie.
Over dinner, Arie brought up how life will be after the show. If he gets chosen, he’ll have to stop acting like a college student—going out to dinner every night with friends and sleeping until 9 am (I’m starting to believe that I’m extremely compatible with Arie, except I’m not attracted to his young-John-Travolta face.) If Emily chooses him, he wouldn’t be the only one making sacrifices. She’d move to Arizona, only to be left alone most of the time since he travels for work. Hard to see this one working out, but a good kisser can make ya do crazy things.
Emily was unable to give Arie the Fantasy Suite card because she didn’t trust herself to not follow that up by giving him the keys to the castle, if ya know what I mean. Wink wink. All signs are pointing to Arie as the frontrunner, since she called him “the light at the end of the tunnel” and then cried while talking about leaving him. Very interesting.
At This Point We Refuse To Make An Effort Getting Dressed
Final Rose Ceremony…. sort of
Camp Counselor Chris Harrison spent a little time with Emily, talking over the remaining three. Since Mr. Harrison aspires to be like Oprah in every way, he made Emily cry for about the four hundredth time. He then cued up the video messages from the guys and side stepped his way out.
Sean’s video was all about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with Emily. Basically, he’s a sure thing. Jef yammered on about their “journey” together and said he wanted to keep her cheeks sore for the rest of their lives <insert spanking joke here>. When Arie’s video started, it looked like Emily was going to puke. The best part of his messages was “Since the beginning it was always you and me”…obviously they edited the last part of that sentence that said “…and 24 other pervy dudes acting like drunk frat boys.”
In the end, Emily rejected poor Sean whose inner monologue must have gone something like this: “FOR REAL? JEF?? WOW. JUST WOW. Wait, does this mean I’ll be the next Bachelor…”
Uhhh, What I Meant To Say Was: Watch ABC
Chris Harrison called The Bachelorette finale the “television event of the summer you don’t want to miss.” Does he know that the Olympics start next week?
The Final Showdown