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Engineer Jokes

Updated on September 28, 2015
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Engineering vs Marketing

A large company sent three engineers and three marketing reps to a conference in New York City.

The marketing guys got in line and bought three tickets to New York City.

The engineers were right behind them in line. The marketing guys overheard as the engineers bought just one ticket.

"You can't do that," they said to the engineers. "You need three tickets."

"Wait and see," said the engineers.

On the train, the conductor entered the car in which all six of them were sitting. Quickly, the engineers jumped up and piled into the restroom.

The conductor hole-punched each of the marketing men's tickets, then knocked on the restroom door, "Tickets, please!" he shouted.

The door cracked open and an arm poked through holding a ticket. The conductor took the ticket, punched it, and returned it to the extended hand. Then, he left the car and walked into the following coach.

Heading Home

At the station, preparing to head home after the conference, the marketing guys told the engineers, "You think you're clever. But, we are more clever."

Once again, the marketing men got in line ahead of the engineers.

They arrived at the cashier's window, and purchased a single ticket. They moved out of the line, snickering.

The engineers just stepped out of line. They did not buy any tickets.

The marketing guys stopped laughing. "Hey, you can't do that!" they protested.

"Wait and see," replied the engineers.

A short time later, the train was underway, with all six of them in one car. The conductor appeared in the window, approaching from a forward car.

Quickly, the marketing trio jumped up and ran into the closer toilet, laughing and snickering.

The engineers stood and walked toward the restrooms. One of them knocked on the door and said, "Tickets, please!"

Golf Story

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer are waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimes in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such terrible drives."

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And, he asks the keeper, "What's with that group in front us? They've been slow all morning."

The greens keeper answers, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight last year saving children from a burning school. The owner of the course let's them play for free anytime they want."

They all look down as the greens keeper walks away.

The pastor says, "That's terrible. I am going to pray for them tonight."

The doctor speaks next, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact a world-class ophthalmologist I know and ask if anything can be done."

And the engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The difference between men and women. (I would have labeled these "engineers" on top and "architects" on bottom.)
The difference between men and women. (I would have labeled these "engineers" on top and "architects" on bottom.)

Chocolates

An engineering student was dating a sorority girl. One night, he went over to her house to take her on a movie date.

At the door, he hands her a bouquet of flowers and an 8 ounce box of Belgian chocolate truffles. "Your favorites," he says with a smile.

"Chocolates?" she says with a frown. "Chocolates! Do you know how much weight I'll gain if I eat these chocolates!?" She is shouting.

"Oh, I don't know," offers the engineer casually. "Half a pound?"

Engineer and the Lawyer

An old engineer retires and moves out to the country to tinker in his shop and grow wheat.

One day, the old engineer is on his tractor, cutting his wheat. Just as he reaches the end of his field, a hunter shoots a duck, which then falls into the engineer's field.

The engineer finds it and takes it to the tractor. Just as he reaches the tractor, the hunter arrives on the other side of the fence.

"That's my bird!" screams the man. "What are you doing? Give it to me!"

The engineer, who had planned on giving it to him anyway, says, "I can tell you're not from around here. In these parts, if a bird falls onto your land, it's yours."

"You don't know who I am," fumes the hunter. "I'm a famous attorney from the city. If you don't give me that bird, I'm going to file lawsuit after lawsuit against you until I own all your property."

The engineer shuts off the tractor engine and climbs down.

"Ya don't have to do all that. Around here, we got the three kicks rule, and we can settle this easily with that."

Curious, the lawyer asks, "What's the three kicks rule?"

"Works like this: First, I get to kick you three times. Then, you get to kick me three times. We keep going, back and forth, until one of us gives."

The attorney is in great shape. He eyes the old man in his dirty overalls and agrees to the contest.

"Since we're on my property, I go first," says the engineer.

He then kicks the lawyer square in the nuts. The lawyer doubles over, grabbing himself. The engineer then kicks the lawyer in the teeth. This sends him backward onto his rear. Finally, the engineer kicks him in the stomach, knocking all the air out of the lawyer.

The lawyer takes a few minutes to get his wind back, and regains his feet.

"Alright, old man," he says, "It's my turn and I'm a black belt in karate!"

The old man starts walking back to the tractor. "Take the bird," he says, "I give."

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You (The Oatmeal)
How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You (The Oatmeal)

One of the all-time top selling humor books. A must read for anyone who loves to laugh and make others laugh.

 

Hot Air

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and gets lost. He reduces height and spots a man in a field. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man in the field says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above my field."

"You must be an engineer," says the hovering man, scowling.

"I am an engineer," answers the man. "How can you tell?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you said is technically correct, but I can't do anything with it."

The engineer scratches his chin and says, "You must be a planner."

"Yes," says the planner, "how could you tell?"

"Well," says the engineer, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you failed to keep. And, the fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now you have made it my fault."

You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts
You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts

From cracked.com, this is one of the highest rated comedy books on Amazon. Ever.

 

Half full?

An engineer and an architect are sitting together in a bar.

The architect lifts up his glass of Scotch and says, "Half-full or half-empty? I say it is half-full."

The engineer scratches his chin, then answers, "I see a liquid container over-designed by a factor of two."

Retired Consultant

An engineer retires after 40 years of dedicated service to his company. A few months after he begins tinkering in his shop, the company calls him.

One of the big machines is down, and nobody can get it running again. So, the engineer drives to the plant. They show him the machine. He doesn't run diagnostics or even touch any buttons. He walks around the machine, listening. Then, he takes a piece of chalk and marks a big "X" on a panel.

"Your problem is behind this panel," he tells the supervisor, and then he leaves.

The floor crew removes the panel, and sure enough, they find a burned out connection.

Later in the week, the company receives an invoice from the retired engineer for $30,000. That seems high to them, so they send an inquiry requesting an itemized list of charges.

The engineer sent the itemization. It looked like this:

PLACING ONE "X": ........................................................$1

KNOWING WHERE TO PUT THE "X": ............................$29,999


The company paid the invoice and the engineer never had to revisit the plant again.

When arts majors use statistics.
When arts majors use statistics.

Full Height

A business manager wanted to teach his people about team work. So, he took them outside and showed them a flagpole.

"We need to know the height of that pole," he told them. "You will need to work together to measure the height."

Several of the employees attempted to shimmy the pole, without success.

Finally, the engineer walked over, pulled the pin at the base, and dropped the pole. Once on the ground, the engineer measured it, base to pinnacle, wrote the number on a paper, and handed it to the manager. With that, the engineer returned to his project.

The manager, realizing his experiment failed, turned red. Before storming off, he fumed, "Just like an engineer. Ask for the height and he gives you the length!"

Funniest Engineer Joke

Which of the jokes was funniest?

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Golf Ball

Two successful engineers meet up at their college reunion and agree to 18 holes of golf. The next morning, they meet up and begin playing and sharing stories of their inventions and great designs.

The first engineer hits his ball into tall grass on the 3rd hole.

"Ha-ha!" says the second man. "Now I have a chance to take the lead." Before he finishes, he sees the first engineer walk confidently into the grass, toward a small trail of smoke.

"No problem here," he says, waist deep in reed grass. "This ball emits smoke when it lands in tall grass."

At the 7th hole, the first engineer's drive falls short of the green on his second stroke and plunks into a water trap.

"Oh-ho!" says his old buddy, jabbing him in the ribs with an elbow. "You'll never find it now!" Before he can finish laughing, he notices his friend walk straight into the water. Then, he notices the bubbles breaking the water's surface.

"It can't be lost in water, either," says the first engineer like a salesman. "If it is placed in water, it creates bubbles to reveal it's resting place."

Later, after a few more beers, the first engineer smacks a high one into the wind. It is carried off course, into the trees.

"Now it really has to be lost, right?" says the second engineer.

"Oh, no. Watch this. Follow me, but be quiet." As the two men enter the trees, they hear a noise. "beep... beep... beep..." They look into the trees. "There it is," says the first engineer with a smile. It is wedged perfectly into the crux between the trunk of a tree and a branch.

"Okay, that is it," says the second engineer. "I must have one of these balls. Where did you buy it?"

"I didn't buy it, he says. "I found it."

Bandage

An engineer is walking past the secretary's counter when she notices something unusual.

"Why do you have a bandage on your forehead?" she asks, pointing at the large, tan gauze on his brow.

He does not turn his head or even slow. He only says, "I bit myself."

"Oh," is her slow riposte. Then, more quizzically, she asks, "How did you bite yourself on the forehead?"

She just hears his voice trailing off as he rounds the corner into the back hall. "I stood on a chair."

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    • Larry Rankin profile image

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Great jokes.

    • Chris Telden profile image

      Chris Telden 3 years ago from Pacific Northwest, U.S.A.

      Hey, these are actually original! Not the same-old, same-old. Very good stuff. LOVE the retired consultant one...

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 3 years ago from The Caribbean

      I always thought of engineers as brainy, never as tricky--until now. Thanks for sharing your engineer humor.

    • Opulent Watches profile image

      Opulent Watches 4 years ago

      lol very nice pic