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Extreme Hypochondria

Updated on July 1, 2013

I’m an extreme hypochondriac.

Every new mole I find is malignant, every sore throat is esophageal cancer from the GERD that I’m positive I have. If my leg hurts it must be restless leg syndrome, which, according to WebMD, means I’m doomed to have a heart attack, the heart attack that I’m sure I’m having after every Taco Bell excursion.

I could blame lack of control over stressful, negative thoughts or I could blame poor parenting, or even genetics, as several members of my family fall into the “hypochondriac” category.

Instead, I choose to blame TV.

I was only a mild hypochondriac, with aches and pains that I chose to worry about from time to time, until a little over a week ago. I remember exactly what happened the day I became an extreme hypochondriac.

I was sitting in my living room, watching TV, minding my business, laughing at King of the Hill, when this sincere-sounding, motherly woman hopped on my screen and told me that if I didn't talk to my doctor about my restless leg syndrome (RLS) I was sure to end up dead, like her dear, departed Hank.

Poor Hank. I grabbed a box of tissues and start to dial the doctor’s number when the next commercial came on and told me I have to ask my doctor about a different medicine than Hank had been given. I hung up. I’m listening. No sense calling the doctor if I can’t tell him what medicine to give me. What kind of system would that be? I wondered to myself if maybe that wasn’t the real reason Hank didn’t make it.


I'm feeling a little frazzled.....
I'm feeling a little frazzled..... | Source

I'm So Confused!

It took a minute, but I began to realize that the medicine this new kindly sounding lady was talking about was for red eyes, not RLS. Hmmm. Well, since I’d been crying over Hank, my eyes were definitely red. I wrote down the name of the medicine so I could be sure the doctor prescribed the right thing. I noticed some guy talking fast in the background. I was sure it wasn’t important since I couldn’t see him and he didn’t sound all nice and motherly.

I was going to call the doctor at that point, but then I realized it was after 5 and my doctor was probably playing golf. Playing golf is important for doctors. If doctors didn’t play golf, they would be no good at doctoring. I know this, because all the good doctors I’ve ever seen have a set of golf clubs in the corner of their office. Being a genius, as well as a hypochondriac, I made the easy connection. I decided to wait until morning so I could be sure and get proper doctoring.

I went back to watching TV. In retrospect, this may have been a mistake. By the time I finished watching 30 Rock, Seinfeld, and a rerun of Star Trek the Next Generation, I had several more symptoms to worry about and a list of 17 medicines to ask my doctor to prescribe for me.

I did indeed have GERD, plus I had every symptom of early throat cancer, or I was using the wrong toothpaste, it was a little confusing. I also had allergies, tennis elbow, psoriasis, earwax buildup and this one really scary sounding disease, ED. I wasn’t completely sure what that was, the guy was a little vague, but I’m positive that I have it. The only thing I didn’t have was an understanding of the guy in the background talking really fast. He was in every single commercial, so maybe he was important.

Luckily, I have a DVR. It’s a really cool device that stops people on your TV in mid-sentence when you have to listen to what your kid is saying, make dinner, grab the clothes out of the dryer, take the dogs outside to use the bathroom, or clean up the mess because you didn’t take the dogs outside to use the bathroom. Since we bought this DVR thingy I can now do all those little chores that would typically keep me from having any clue what so ever as to what the people in my TV were saying or doing. Without this handy little device, I would certainly not have had the awesome list I had made to take to my doctor.

So, using this amazing technology, I went back to the commercials that were going to save my life, slowed it down and listened to Mr. Chatterbox. OMG!!!


Life Changing Decision

In order to keep my eyes un-dry, my sneezing to a minimum, my elbow from hurting occasionally, my knees un-psoriases filled, my ears from building up nasty wax, my legs from restless night activity, and whatever it was the ED was doing to me, I was going to have to risk the following: dizziness, nausea, irritability, blurred vision, no vision, liver damage, kidney damage, car rear bumper damage (I’m assuming this is a byproduct of the irritability), yellow toenails, heart murmurs, lung over-expansion, possible lung collapse, colon explosion, loss of hair, and hypochondria.

After I stopped hyperventilating, because a hypochondriac should never listen to a list of symptoms that long in one sitting, I made a life changing decision.

I cancelled my cable TV and ordered Netflix. Take THAT you commercial pretending to care, really trying to scare, lady who sounds all motherly. Now I can watch Star Trek ANY generation ANY time I want and not have to worry about my lungs collapsing and my colon exploding. I only wish Hank had thought of Netflix. I guess he wasn’t the genius I am. Sniff. RIP Hank.

Please leave a comment or four below.

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    • LoopyGem profile image


      5 years ago from Canada

      Up up up!!! I don't watch much tv and from the sounds of it I shouldn't test fate and start now! Besides, I have in-laws and family members of my own that sound exactly like those commercials and I HATE redundancy! :)

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Pixienot- Mom, I am copying the part where you called me a genius and posting it to my fridge. I will refer to it when we have opposing viewpoints. Thanks in advance for helping me to win the next family argument. :)

    • Pixienot profile image


      7 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Great hub! Well written. I am sure that family played a small part in this journey of hypochondria. I'm so glad you finally realized the major culprit was the Television.

      I enjoyed this very much. And you are a genius! I love it.

      Voted up, funny and awesome.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Susan- It's the TV I tell ya! Get your son Netflix and the commercials will be gone. I'm much better since I don't watch commercials.

      What's wrong with him- maybe I have it too? No, stop that. I AM better. Really.

      Thank you for the sweet comment, and Happy Birthday to your son!!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Good Hub! I think maybe my son is a Hypochondriac as he is always coming up with new stuff to be wrong with him and he is 18 this coming Saturday...Love how you have written this.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      I hate to think I may have caused a need for extra meds. If you run out, I have it on good authority (Hank Hill) that Mexico sells them cheap.

      Thank you for the compliment, it means a lot!

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 

      7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      This is really great! But my whole body is tense because you reminded me of the 3 or 4 diseases that I have that I've forgotten about for a while. I might have to double up on my anxiety meds. Really great writing though.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Ha ha! Quicklysilver, I can't thank you enough. I hadn't really considered it before, but I see now that OF COURSE Manny Pacquiao is a leprechaun! Look at him! How could I ever have believed he was anything else.

    • quicklysilver profile image


      7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      Thank you for your sympathy, maybe some day they'll legalise it and show it on HBO. A few of the leprechauns have taken on different identites and fight professionally now. Manny Pacquiao is one such boxer, the whole filipino thing is guise.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      quicklysilver- I'm so sad to hear that they're trying to get rid of the leprechaun boxing. I've followed the sport for years. You haven't lived until you've seen one little guy in green knock the gold out of the other.

      You and your country have my deepest sympathies....

    • quicklysilver profile image


      7 years ago from wexford, ireland

      Now you can worry about the grams and ounces. Thankfully in Ireland we don't have much of those type of adds, just the usual Irish adds about how if you don't drive and drive you're not a man, and ads about illegal leprechaun boxing and how we should stamp it out- bloody do gooders

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris, you crack me up. I've never considered the grams to ounces thing, but you are SO right!

      Angela, I can tell by your writing you are VERY well read, so "every symptom under the book" must be scary! :O) I've never heard that saying before-I love it!

    • angela_michelle profile image

      Angela Michelle Schultz 

      7 years ago from United States

      It looks like we have a lot in common. I have every symptom under the book, and most likely every disease. I don't watch tv, and I guess a good side benefit is the commercials that would scare me. LOL.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image


      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Oh and while I'm at it. What is up with all those non-measurements in advertisements? Two scoops of raisins is how much exactly? If it were up to me the scoops would be like snowshovel size, but in reality they use teaspoons.

      Oh, yeah, and using grams of protien in something thats measured in ounces, knowing full well that eveyone in America thinks a gram is the person married to their mothers' father...

      (I'm feeling all Lewis Black this morning - can you tell?)

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris, you are nothing if not full of it... I mean full of wisdom.

      Yeah, that's it. :)

      You are right, I should pay closer attention to nothing. Nothing is what it seems. I've never heard that said about anything.

      I won't listen to anything anymore. Only nothing.

      There's a hub in here somewhere, I feel it....

      Oh, and I'm sorry about the orifice bleeding, I've heard that can be tough.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image


      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      As I read this I started to bleed from every orifice, got an irregular heart rythm and increased my chances, slightly, of dying from a heart attack or stroke. The good news is I've learned to take "nothing".

      Nothing, cures all ailments, listen carefully to the advertisments that you no longer watch, and it's better than every medication out there. The nice lady starts out by saying "Nothing is better than xzypholonetctromonx".

      Good to know.




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