Fifty Shades of Grey

Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Writers: Kelly Marcel, E.L. James

Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Jennifer Ehle, Eloise Mumford, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden, Rita Ora, Max Martini, Callum Keith Rennie, Andrew Airlie, Dylan Neal, Elliat Albrecht, Rachel Skarsten, Emily Fonda

Synopsis: Literature student Anastasia Steele's life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey.

MPAA Rating: Rated R for strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity, and for language

0.5 / 10

Pros:

- Great cinematography work. Truly magnificent, as it helps set the atmosphere and mood perfectly; along with the lighting.

- Dakota Johnson tries to give a great performance, but she isn't given much to work with considering her love interest can't act for s**t, and the script severely limits her character.

Cons:

- Jamie Dornan can't act, and everyone else delivers from mediocre to downright terrible performances.

- Horribly directed

- Mediocre script that incoherently rips off "Twilight", in a lot of ways; minus all the werewolf and Vampire stuff.

- Stagnant characters

- Redundant and repetitive themes throughout the film

- Bland tasteless love scenes that feel forced rather than erotic

For a story that allegedly pushes the boundaries of eroticism by introducing mainstream audiences to the world of BDSM fetishes, it's surprisingly tamed. The love scenes are devoid of any real passion, which makes it kind of a shame considering that the erotic tendencies of the story is what the trailers try to sell you on. Yet when you see the film itself, the passion simply isn't there.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" is based on a series of books by E.L. James. It was originally written as an erotic fanfiction of the infamous "Twilight" series. However, it was later rewritten to be an original piece, while changing many of the character's names in the process. And if you're familiar with the "Twilight" series, then you should be able to find some of the seeds implanted throughout this story. You have Jose (Victor Rasuk), who plays the "Jacob" role in this movie. You know. The would be best friend, who likes the main character, but he just can't get out of the damn friend zone. Ouch. Hasn't he heard of the term, "There's other fish in the sea?"

Of course, you have the emotionally distant and controlling love interest in Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), and you have the wide doe eyed bland protagonist in Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson). As some of you reading this might've guessed, these two play the "Edward" and "Bella" characters of our story. But unlike "Twilight" that involved vampires and werewolves (or changlings as Stephenie Meyer claimed they were), this involves a corporate billionaire that merely has an interest for BDSM. He doesn't want love because he claims to be incapable of such nonsense, as he merely wants a slave to bow to his every erotic whim. How does that make him different from any other guy exactly?

All kidding aside. He's not a blood sucking vampire, but he might as well be. After all, he certainly sucks out the passion of every scene he happens to be in. As he eloquently puts it, he's a dominant. And, he wants Anastasia to be his submissive; a slave that will act on his every command.

Meanwhile, Anastasia plays along in hopes that he'll inevitably change his ways, so they can be a real couple. Throughout most of the film, Christian tries to introduce Anastasia to a world of erotic hedonism. An erotic world full of whips, blindfolds, handcuffs and various other adult toys at his disposal.

Unfortunately, this is part of the film's problem. It's redundant. Whenever Christian and Anastasia talk about their relationship, it's always the same damn thing. She wants him to love her, and all he wants is for her to be his submissive. And to make matters worse, the conversation ALWAYS ends the exact same way, with both parties refusing to budge. Outside of the ending, the film just ends each of these conversations the exact same way, with no resolution in sight.

Seriously, all these two do throughout most of the film is f***, and then talk later about how each of them want different things from the relationship. It tends to get repetitive and boring to the point that you just wish it would end.

Granted, Dakota Johnson is quite attractive to look at, and I'm sure all the ladies out there will love checking out Jamie Dornan's bare a** on the big screen. However, if you look past that, then you'll notice that "Fifty Shades of Grey" isn't that special. Throughout all the love scenes, you'll notice that Dakota doesn't even look like she's enjoying it half the time. If anything, it looks like she's merely putting up with it. As for Jamie Dornan, all I can say is he's lucky to be so deviously handsome because he certainly can't act for s**t.

Hell, this guy would easily make Vin Diesel look like an Oscar caliber actor by comparison, and that's sad because Vin can't act for s**t either. But unlike Jamie though, Vin does have a lot of charisma on screen, which tends to go a long way. Sadly, I can't say that for any of the actors in this film.

Sure, Dakota Johnson tries to deliver a solid performance, but the script doesn't give her much to work with. If anything, the script has her constantly portrayed as some lost shy little school girl getting caught up in Mr. Grey's world, in his neatly arranged adult playroom. And to make matters worse, that's all she is in this damn story. All the characters are stagnant throughout this entire film, where nothing gets resolved.

Say what you want about the infamous "Twilight" franchise, but that series did have some potential. Granted, it was still an abysmal mess, but it simply failed in it's execution. "Fifty Shades of Grey" on the other hand has no potential. It's garbage. The story was originally made to be a badly written erotic fanfiction based on an over hyped franchise, but now it's nothing more than a cheap generic knock off that tries to sell itself as being this edgy erotic fantasy, to appease horny old ladies and adolescent teenagers.

Apart from the great cinematography work that helps create this intense atmosphere for the viewer, the entire film is a mess.

I wouldn't even waste my time on this garbage if I didn't have to review it, as "Fifty Shades of Grey" is arguably one of the worst love stories that I've ever seen. Seriously, couples on Valentine's Day weekend would be better off checking out a porno or something because this film is about as erotic as a trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)....