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Things You Must Know Before You Travel... kinda, sorta, not really

Updated on December 16, 2010
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Knowledge Is Power

My friend and I were talking about dialects the other day and it got me to thinking. This is never a good thing. The following words come from the process of my brain thinking. It may be scary; if you’re prone to nightmares, please leave the room.

If you have ever traveled around this great country of ours you know that depending on where you are, it may seem as though you have actually crossed into a completely different country. If it seems this way, it's because you have, actually crossed into another country. Most people think the United States is a bunch of states that are united. I'm not sure where they get this idea; it is so completely bogus.

If you go to the West Coast, you’ve entered Europe. They send all their tax money to David Cameron. That may be a big part of why their economy is not doing so well. The last I heard Prime Minister Cameron was refusing to send any of it back.

California is so obviously its own country that they now have border checks. If you try to sneak in a toy poodle you’re in huge trouble. They’ve met their quota of small dogs that go into purses. They don’t want any more. If they find you with one, they will let you through, but your dog will be sent to China where he will be enjoyed at lunchtime, or for lunch, something like that. Pack a thong and a Mankini instead and you should fit right in. It’s my understanding that Speedo’s for men are still “out”.

If you go to Alaska, you’re in Russia, only with way better jobs and moose burgers. You've got to make sure to bring a big furry hat so you fit in. Just make sure not to wear it when hiking as someone from a helicopter may think you're a bear, shoot you, and take you home for dinner.

I’ve never been to Alaska, but I have a friend who lives there. She tells me she can see Russia from her house. Seriously. And, no, her name is not Sarah, but in fairness she does live on a yacht in the Bering Straight. If you go to Alaska, bring a Russian interpreter; you never know when you might need one. Also bring a gun.

If you visit New England, you’re in a cold; seemingly heartless country that looks down on capitalism while making sure his or her piece of the pie is bigger than anyone else’s; I’m pretty sure it’s actually Canada.

In New England people go about their business and knock over anyone who stands between them and whatever business they’re going about. The knocked over person completely understands because they know this is how it must be for chaos not to rule the day. This does not mean that they won’t yell obscenities at you if you knock them over; that’s the way people in the north say, “Have a good day going about your business!”

People from the southern states will sit and wait behind another car through two lights before getting out of their car and checking to make sure the person who didn’t go on green is OK. The person who didn’t go then yells obscenities at the person who asked because they were from the north and too busy texting and going about their business to notice the light. The obscenities are, again, their way of saying, “Have a good day going about your business”, they may even throw in an extra cuss word or two for “Thanks for giving me a heads up about the light.”

So, if you’re traveling north, you may want to flag down a trucker and brush up on all the latest swear words. If you choose not to, don’t be surprised if no one seems to understand a word you say.

The Midwest is an enigma; they seem to stay pretty much under the radar and away from being made fun of by people like me. More power to them!

If you end up in The South you’re in Pre-Civil War America (which is a different country, don’t argue with me on this one, you won’t win.). They're still holding on to their confederate money. They know it'll be worth something one day. There have been leaks that David Cameron is considering taking it as California is about to run out of their money.

The South has a nice alternative to cursing, bless their hearts.

They’ll talk about the guy at the light when they get to work. They’ll smile real sweet, and say, “There was this fella at the light, I’m pretty sure he was completely snookered, bless his heart.” The trick is to always say, “bless his or her heart” after any insult. Then you don’t actually sound insulting. It really works.

“My neighbor’s wife is cheating with the UPS man, bless her heart.”

“Her husband is a complete drunk, bless his heart,”

“Their poor children are juvenile delinquents, bless their hearts, you can just imagine what they must go through.”

You’ve managed to insult the whole family while sounding like you give a damn at the same time. You’ve got to love the south!

I tried it the other day. I said, “Mom, you are going in a nursing home when you’re older, bless your heart.” After I picked myself up from being knocked across the room, I realized that it’s a southern thing, and I’m not in the south.

It's important to remember that certain things are only acceptable in our great country when done from the correct region. I’m going to Tennessee next week, I think I’ll give her a call and try it again from there.

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    • GetitScene profile image

      Dale Anderson 

      5 years ago from The High Seas

      Came back to read this thread of posts again. It's nearly as good as the hub itself!

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      6 years ago from Indiana

      GetitScene... now that IS weird. Every time... I mean each, and every time, I eat a moose burger.. I'm instantly transported to Russia. I thought it went with the burger, (eat a burger-transport to Russia on the side) but now I'm beginning to wonder......

    • GetitScene profile image

      Dale Anderson 

      6 years ago from The High Seas

      Funny. I've eaten moose burgers but I've never been to Russia.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Tammy- Texas is it's own continent! Y'all are great. I love the "ah ight", it's like your mouth can stay asleep while you're talking.

      My husband lived in Texas for a while, and yes, you are so right. He often heard "You ain't from these parts, is ya, Yankee???"

      Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that a "Yankee" can move to Texas, live there for 40 years, and still not be "from these parts, Yankee"?

      God Bless Texas!!

    • Tammy L profile image

      Tammy L 

      7 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

      Oh sue. This one was funny and so true. Y'all worried about hate mail? Well bless your heart.

      If you ever come to Texas, you'd better brush up on your Spanish. We don't say "because"; we say "cuz". For 11 and a half months, shoes are optional equipment. We don't say "alright"; we say "ah ight". The plural form of "you" is "y'all". "Yankee" means anyone not from Texas.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- don't look now, but the twelve year old has seeped out and is taking over, bless your little cotton socks. :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Nah, they're easier to see, what with my old age and everything.

      The good news is that inside my head I'm still twelve or so...

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- that's a good point about her being able to kick my booty. I've actually been thinking about this for a while. So, starting in January, I will be taking Tae Kwon Do with her. She'll probably still be able to take me, but at least I'll have a fighting chance.

      And who do you think is in that van outside your house? Now that she's been made, I'll have to call her so she can move to a less conspicuous location. :)

      Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD MAN!! I mean. Happy Birthday Old Man. Don't you hate it when people use all caps?

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      I turned fifty three yesterday. You don't know from old...

      Oh, and do you think it wise to train your daughter in the art of kicking your butt? Smart and deadly - you want her to join the CIA and sit outside my house pretending to be the Cable guys?

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- I told my daughter's master instructor about it. He LOVED it. He has a friend in Scotland he's going to try it on!

      OH, and yes, I will be old in a year or two. Thanks. :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Truth be told, it is a phrase that belongs to little old ladies. Wait a year or two before you try it out in public. Buy a small yappy dog, a voluminous coat and a hat that matches nothing else in your wardrobe, then riding your bike with the wicker basket up front, you can say it with impunity.

      Bless you...

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- you're killing me. LOL!

      You forgot the fact that they hold their noses as well, just in case some dung should find its way through.

      Thank you for noticing, yes, I am nothing if not sexist. My daughter told me the other day she would like to be a comedian because "they can get away with being way more offensive than other people". Yep. That's my kid!

      Fine, it can be cotton. I'm going to try that out tonight at my kid's Tae Kwon Do class. I promise, at some point I'm going to find a way to say "bless their little cotton socks". I'll let you know how it goes!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      blatant sexism - you go girl.

      Actually there are probably a whole herd of people who read your stuff with their eyes closed, just in case there is a mankini or speedo photo embedded somewhere!

      And it has to be cotton or it doesn't count.

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris, I was hoping the hot chic in the bikini might help to offset any hate mail people might want to send. Who could hate someone who posts a picture like that?

      I didn't realize there was an English version. Does that mean if people say, "Bless their little polyester socks" they don't really mean it? What about blessing their wool socks. Why cotton? I can see now that I'm going to have a few sleepless nights pondering.

      Thank you so much for this, and the hate mail, bless your heart.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Due to Fatherland security living in my mailbox and monitoring my computer I have taken to ending my sentences with the English version - "Bless their little cotton socks," so I cant be deported back to Cameronland, where it snows and you have to pay 110% of your income in taxes. Actually with zero income, that might work for me.

      Brave hub, you'll probably get hate mail.

      I'll get the ball rolling,

      I hate you, bless your little cotton socks...

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you drbj! You made my night. I always wonder if anyone else will think what I wrote was funny. (I felt pretty iffy about this hub.) It sure is nice to get a comment like yours!

      Thank you also for defining chortle. I thought it was a type of hula-hooping, so I'm glad to know the truth!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      7 years ago from south Florida

      Funny stuff, sueroy, but the last two paragraphs in particular were sublime. Still chortling as I type. A chortle is a sort of musical chuckle - just a little more high pitched. :)

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