Finn MacCool and the Untold Truth About Polar Bears

While the Irish will never admit it, Finn MacCool was in truth King Of The Polar Bears. Around the year 10,066 BC Finn got a good whiff of the Winds of Change(bears have better noses than dogs) and smelling such coming events as the Roman Conquest, St. Patrick, those stinky Vikings, and the even stinkier British, made an executive decision to lead The Polar Bears out of Ireland. They headed due north to the Arctic where King Finn knew real estate was cheap and there were none of those pesky bureaucratic quotas on herring. A little known legend states that Finn got his name from his favorite cubhood toy, a seal flipper given to him by his maternal grandmother. His surname is obviously derived from Mac(King) and Cool(what's cooler than a polar bear's toenails?). Finn ruled benevolently for many years and established the core culture of The Polar Bears we know today.

Modern scientists are mistaken as to the hibernation habits of The Polar Bears. They do not hibernate in the same sense as other bears. What appears to be hibernation is in fact the continuation of a long-standing tradition begun by their legendary King Finn. While they do sleep for an extended period of several months, this is actually a coping mechanism devised by Finn for avoiding the intense hangover from the nonstop fish and whisky party they throw during the long days of the short summer. After sleeping off their hangovers, The Polar Bears awake and spend the remainder of the long dark nights of the winter distilling whisky for the coming season. With the arrival of spring, they emerge from their distillery dens underneath the arctic ice. As they are quite famished after a long winter of distilling and nibbling on rations of frozen herring snacks, The Polar Bears commence to devouring as many seals as they can get their paws on. Then, having gorged themselves until full and flatulent, The Polar Bears enjoy the ritual performance of 'The Tossing About Of Seal Flippers'. This commemorates the birth and cubhood of their legendary King Finn. This rite generally occurs around the spring equinox, but has been known to continue until as late as early June.

It should be noted that some claims have been made that The Polar Bears like walruses. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Polar Bears think walruses are slovenly, lazy bums. Furthermore, the impetuous walruses are always clamoring for The Polar Bears to share a bit of fish or a round of shots. The Polar Bears abhor such spongy behavior and so shun walruses with great distaste. However, the more mischievous youths among the Bears reportedly relish prankish forays of shoving sunning walruses off their summer ice floes into the frigid arctic water. This sends the young bears into rollicks of laughter as this is their primary source of entertainment throughout the summer, being as they are not old enough to drink with the grown-ups. These mischievous cubs do eat plenty of fish while mocking the hapless walruses, endlessly pelting them with the leftover fishbones. This sends the cubs into further fits of laughter which are only squelched by the shortening of days and the rapid onset of winter.

One final note: Never, never, never attempt to make friends with a Polar Bear by offering a Co'-Cola. You are liable to have your head removed with one swipe of a paw for such an egregious social faux-pas. The Polar Bears love whisky straight up, no chaser. Should you want to befriend one, I would recommend bringing a big bottle of Bushmill's to the occasion. Don't forget to dedicate the first toast to Finn!

-excerpted from 'A True History Of Undeniable Facts' by Lef Rite Han. -copyright: 2011. Poppycock Press. Atlatland, N. America.