ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Finn MacCool and the Untold Truth About Polar Bears

Updated on August 16, 2011

An artist's rendition of Polar Bears socializing

'At The Polar Bar'
'At The Polar Bar' | Source

Setting The Record Straight

While the Irish will never admit it, Finn MacCool was in truth King Of The Polar Bears. Around the year 10,066 BC Finn got a good whiff of the Winds of Change(bears have better noses than dogs) and smelling such coming events as the Roman Conquest, St. Patrick, those stinky Vikings, and the even stinkier British, made an executive decision to lead The Polar Bears out of Ireland. They headed due north to the Arctic where King Finn knew real estate was cheap and there were none of those pesky bureaucratic quotas on herring. A little known legend states that Finn got his name from his favorite cubhood toy, a seal flipper given to him by his maternal grandmother. His surname is obviously derived from Mac(King) and Cool(what's cooler than a polar bear's toenails?). Finn ruled benevolently for many years and established the core culture of The Polar Bears we know today.

Modern scientists are mistaken as to the hibernation habits of The Polar Bears. They do not hibernate in the same sense as other bears. What appears to be hibernation is in fact the continuation of a long-standing tradition begun by their legendary King Finn. While they do sleep for an extended period of several months, this is actually a coping mechanism devised by Finn for avoiding the intense hangover from the nonstop fish and whisky party they throw during the long days of the short summer. After sleeping off their hangovers, The Polar Bears awake and spend the remainder of the long dark nights of the winter distilling whisky for the coming season. With the arrival of spring, they emerge from their distillery dens underneath the arctic ice. As they are quite famished after a long winter of distilling and nibbling on rations of frozen herring snacks, The Polar Bears commence to devouring as many seals as they can get their paws on. Then, having gorged themselves until full and flatulent, The Polar Bears enjoy the ritual performance of 'The Tossing About Of Seal Flippers'. This commemorates the birth and cubhood of their legendary King Finn. This rite generally occurs around the spring equinox, but has been known to continue until as late as early June.

It should be noted that some claims have been made that The Polar Bears like walruses. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Polar Bears think walruses are slovenly, lazy bums. Furthermore, the impetuous walruses are always clamoring for The Polar Bears to share a bit of fish or a round of shots. The Polar Bears abhor such spongy behavior and so shun walruses with great distaste. However, the more mischievous youths among the Bears reportedly relish prankish forays of shoving sunning walruses off their summer ice floes into the frigid arctic water. This sends the young bears into rollicks of laughter as this is their primary source of entertainment throughout the summer, being as they are not old enough to drink with the grown-ups. These mischievous cubs do eat plenty of fish while mocking the hapless walruses, endlessly pelting them with the leftover fishbones. This sends the cubs into further fits of laughter which are only squelched by the shortening of days and the rapid onset of winter.

One final note: Never, never, never attempt to make friends with a Polar Bear by offering a Co'-Cola. You are liable to have your head removed with one swipe of a paw for such an egregious social faux-pas. The Polar Bears love whisky straight up, no chaser. Should you want to befriend one, I would recommend bringing a big bottle of Bushmill's to the occasion. Don't forget to dedicate the first toast to Finn!

-excerpted from 'A True History Of Undeniable Facts' by Lef Rite Han. -copyright: 2011. Poppycock Press. Atlatland, N. America.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)