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Five Lawyers Who Could (And Would) Kick Your Ass

Updated on May 18, 2009

Justice will kick your ass...

When I was growing up, lawyers were respected as pillars of the community. Bastions of all that was good and right in the world. The 90's changed all that. At some point, lawyers put aside their fancy wigs, monocles and self respect and instead took on personas apparently inspired by professional wrestlers. The results are absolutely stunning.

If you need legal advice, then you need to get in touch with one of these fine legal minds. Now. Before they hurt someone.

Lowell “The Hammer” Stanley

Lowell Stanley will freakin' hammer any insurance companies that get in the way of optimal payouts for his clients.

You'll find that hammering, cutting, hacking, slashing and crashing are all popular past times amongst the best lawyers. Books? Ha! Who needs them! Real lawyering is simply a matter of hammering the right nails. Like construction work, but with more ego and better suits.

Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro

Jim is also “the Hammer.” Jim expresses regret that he can't hand you the severed heads of the people who have harmed you by inadvertently backing into you in a parking lot. He is also unable to rip out their hearts (presumably still beating – that's the only way that counts.) But he can hammer them, whatever that means. Jim is probably an excellent lawyer when he is not feeding on the entrails of his enemies.

Marco “The California Switchblade” Palumbo

You don't need to worry about anything baby, he'll cut up the competition. Get it? He'll pull out a knife and just hack and slash the opposing lawyer to death. But his knife will be made of words. Knifey sharp words. I just wish another button had been undown on his shirt. I usually choose my legal representation based on chest fur density.

Jim “The Tough Smart Fighter” Adler

Jim Adler is the fighter. The tough, smart fighter. Because in Texas, fighters need to be tough and smart, and lawyers need to be fighters. Fighting fighters who can be tough about fighting, but also smart. Smart and tough.

Brian “The Strong Arm”Loncar

This dude will crash his car just to get your attention. Seriously. Also, nothing says strong like a pot belly barely restrained by a blue polyester shirt.Though that may actually be padding necessary for his action packed life of lawyering, which as we all know, involves high speed chases, jumping sharks with motorcycles, and meeting beautiful women in far flung exotic locations.

Like 'San Quentin' I've never been there, but it sounds so pretty, don't you think?

For more funny Lawyerness...


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    • SatinJenni profile image

      SatinJenni 8 years ago from Burlington Ontario Canada

      Lawyers ...The perfect definition of a love hate relationship

    • tony0724 profile image

      tony0724 8 years ago from san diego calif

      I live with a Lawyer , and after living with her for 15 years none of these guys scare me .