Five Reality Shows I'd Like To See Created
During the last few years, it seems that reality television has captured our undivided attention more so than any other form of telivised entertainment . More people tune in to watch who the Bachelor/Bachelorette will choose to marry and then divorce, what washed-up celebrity has lost enough dignity to dance, attend rehab, wrestle (or maybe all three), what crazy individuals will eat bugs and live in the jungle or even who can withstand the screaming tirades of an overly-abusive Chef in order to get a job. No celebrity is exempt as long as the desire for ANY publicity is strong enough and average-Joe's can be exalted to celebrity status in the course of just one season. Not surprisingly, the producers of these reality shows seem to be running out of "normal" conceptual ideas, and the type of shows being written are getting ridiculous! With the popularity of reality shows becoming somewhat stale, I have some recommendations for the next possible batch of mindless fodder to help keep our population overweight and glued to the remote. After all, these shows are inspiration to all those couch potatoes that have grandiose dreams of one day becoming a reality show celebrity.
- Who Wants to Dance With a One-Legged Pirate?
Fairly self explanatory, don't you think? The show will start out with 10 contestants who must battle for a crusty old peg-legged pirate's affections and will be presented with such challenges as taking the pirate shopping for undergarments, working for a shift as a telemarketer while only being able to talk like a pirate, creating the best cocktail using only scotch, salt water and pretzels, guessing which hand the marble is in and various others tasks. Contestants will be eliminated one by one by the panel of judges until only the final two remain. The judging panel shall be made up of poet Charles Bukowski, actor Keanu Reeves and singer-dancer Paula Abdul. At the finale, the pirate will choose the winner from the top two and the last show will consist of the winner and the pirate dancing for a full 20 minutes to accordian music. The winner will also recieve a used commercial fishing boat and a lifetime supply of chum (bait-fish) as a reward.
- Survivor - Fresno, CA
Being one of the few reality shows that never seems to lose steam, the producers are faced with the challenge of which fresh new location to place the amateur survivalists in, so this next season, I propose Fresno, CA as the perfect locale. Located in the dead center of California, Fresno is three and a half hours away from San Francisco, four hours from Los Angeles, three hours from the coast and two hours from the mountains making it a virtual wasteland of non-culture. Contestants will be bussed in and dropped off at the Greyhound Depot in downtown Fresno and will start out with only $2.00 in quarters, a used Bic lighter, an expired coupon for a free Big Mac, a paper bag and a small pack of raisins. They will then be required to build a shelter using only what they can find in downtown Fresno and then pull straws to determine the two teams. After that, each team will choose a Captain and the two Captains will arm-wrestle to see which team gets to stay in the shelter. Challenges will include the Fresno Scavenger Hunt, the Yoko Ono Karaoke Challenge, Name That Soap, Find the Marble in the Oatmeal and Hide-and-go-Pee. Other suggested locations could include Baltimore, MD, Lincoln, NE or anywhere in New Mexico.
- Who Wants to Marry an Eskimo?
What started out as "The Bachelor" quickly turned into "The Bachelorette", "Flavor of Love", "Rock of Love" and now "More to Love." It seems like everyone from the beautiful people to the troll-dolls are able to find true marital bliss these days thanks to reality television, so now let's give those wacky Eskimos a chance to find love! Just imagine: "Nuk-Takk is a community college graduate with an associate's degree in animal husbandry and knows 200 ways to say the word 'snow'." I mean, what woman in her right mind WOULDN'T want to get to know him a bit better - maybe even marry him? Nuk-Takk and 20 other lucky ladies will live in a beautifully furnished and palatial igloo for three months, and one by one, Nuk-Takk will narrow down his choices for the perfect Wife by going on one-on-one and group dates, meeting their families and testing their abilities to sew. Once down to the final two choices, Nuk-Takk will ask one lucky lady for her hand in marriage.
- America's Next Top Mall Santa
20 middle-aged, overweight and prematurely graying men come together in New York to battle for the right to be called "America's Next Top Mall Santa" in this exciting new series. Plans to launch this program will be for November (Mall Santa Appreciation & Awareness Month) of 2012 and will include creative challenges and trips and the winner will be presented with a 1-year contract as Mall Santa for FAO-Schwartz in New York. Some examples of the challenges will be the Dwarf-Toss, the Hitch-Hiking Race to the North Pole, teaching pre-school for a day and inventing a flying sleigh for the 'Red-Bull Flutag'. Hosted by talk-show host Larry King, guest judges will be actor Christopher Walken, stoner-comedian Jim Brewer, actor Gary Coleman and actress Candice Bergman.
- America's Biggest Snoozer
One of the most under-rated health concerns facing Americans today is narcolepsy. Narcolepsy is a condition that results in the sufferer randomly falling asleep without warning so we've decided to invite 20 of the worst sufferers in America to come work with our coaches to see who will become 'America's Biggest Snoozer'. The contestants will be put through a rigorous training regimen involving train horns, bright flashing lights, cement chunks and a specialy designed, highly caffinated diet. One contestant will be eliminated every week at the "Nap-In." During the Nap-In, contestants will be subjected to mute dwarves throwing feathers in the air while Kenny G music is played at low volume, and the first person to fall asleep will go home. The judges are actor Gary Busey, spokesperson Vince Schlomi (ShamWow, QuikChop), actor Nathan Lane and singer-songwriter Bjork. The winner of America's Biggest Snoozer will win life-time unlimited air-fare on Air Canada (coach only), a modeling contract with Craftsman Power Tools, an article in Reader's Digest and $20,000.