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Five Secrets to Successful Shopping with Your Man
I hear and read frequently about how difficult it is for men and women to come together on the issue of shopping or going to the mall. Men hate shopping, period. Women love shopping, and it's an activity they'd really like to be able to share with the man they love, an opportunity to spend time together in an environment that gives women joy. The problem is, men hate it so bad that if they get stuck going shopping with their woman, they make her miserable the entire time. They snarl and grumble and drag their feet, frankly sometimes they act like children. Women have been forced to either go shopping alone without the man they love, or to make him go anyway and then just try to have fun somehow despite his piss-poor attitude. This rarely pays dividends.
Fortunately I have the solution that you need. The Five Secrets to Successful Shopping with Your Man will solve your shopping troubles once and for all. With these secrets, your man will not only be able to endure shopping trips at the mall with you, he will enjoy them. And you will, for the first time in all of human history, be able to take a man shopping and, not only have him along to carry stuff, but actually have him engaged in the outing with his best, fun-loving self fully manifest the entire time, with no sulking, no sniping and no running off for the nearest TV store looking for a game. In short, shopping becomes fun for you.
I will preface this with one conditional: like relationships in general, these strategies require effort. Nothing worth having is easy, and some of these things are going to require that you push past your traditional comfort zone. At least at first, until you get used to it. But, enough of that, let's get to it, shall we?
Technique 1: Samples
Alright, in order to break into this slowly, I'm going to start with an easy one. Ladies, men are ravenous animals, right? All they want to do is eat, sleep and have sex. Well, what better way to get your man to the mall and like it then to make sure he gets to eat stuff?
You can't just go into chick stores the whole time when you are at the mall. And, contrary to what you might think, guys don't want to browse through the "man" stores either. Guys don't browse. So all those attempts to appease him by taking him through the sporting goods stores or electronics stores in the past, walking through the aisles... yeah, that wasn't helping you; you were just prolonging the misery. So stop.
Take him sample browsing instead. For every two chick stores you drag him through looking at horrible crap that no guy will ever care about, take him into a Hickory Farms, a See's Candies or a 31 Flavors ice cream. Get him some samples. Let him feed his animal desire to, uh, feed. Don't let him fill up, just sample. If he buys something, fine, but don't let him eat it until you get home if you can help it. Just samples. You'll want to save lunch for its own diversion after the eighth or ninth store. And, whatever you do, don't browse, don't comment on how such-and-such basket would be nice for Aunt Grace down in Abilene. Just seek and destroy the samples and get out.
To maximize the benefit of this strategy, you must be enthusiastic and have fun with this experience. Any provocative eating techniques on your part will enhance the experience for him and make his returning with you next time more likely.
Technique 2: Cleavage Patrol
As long as we're talking about provocative things, it's important for you, the chick, to remember that you are the one perpetrating a shopping trip on your man. Being as this is an unnatural condition for males, you need to press past your comfort zone a little and help him find joy in your shopping world.
The simple fact is, when you bring your man to the mall, he is practically blowing out his neck muscles trying not to get whiplash looking around at all the spectacular cleavage going on in that place. Frankly, all that restraint is painful and miserable, and it only makes the one thing at the mall that guys do enjoy ironically unsatisfying.
So, ladies, you play too. I call it the Cleavage Game. It requires nothing spectacular, just a simple 1 to 10 scale will suffice. Since you know he's looking, just relax and help him enjoy the only real fun the mall has to offer him. So, as you approach a pair of sweet young women walking towards you in low cut shirts, just say to him, "Eight and Six," as they walk past. At first he won't know what you're talking about. But, you just smile and say, "I saw you looking at them, and, I don't blame you. The one on the left had great cleavage. The other one was just ok."
At first he'll be in shock, but, as long as you can convince him that you are sincere and not luring him into some kind of insidious woman trap, eventually he will start to believe that you really are the woman of his dreams. From then on out, he will be able to have fun with you at the mall.
Once you've established the game, all you have to do on your part is every so often toss out a number when some busty, open-bloused woman happens past. You don't even have to pay attention all the time. He'll do most of the work and you can just browse at the stuff you really came to see. Just remember to toss a number out every once in a while if you notice some woman along the way. If you miss one and he calls you on it, just tell him you didn't think hers were worthy of a grade. He'll love you for it. Trust me.
(There is a more risqué version of this game that includes looking up through glass panels if your mall has an upper deck with transparent railing materials, but I'll leave that for you to figure out and incorporate as you choose.)
Technique 3: Perfume for Fun
Ok, now it's pretty certain you're going to end up at a cosmetics counter eventually as they are the gravitational equivalent of black holes on women. Unfortunately, most men are ready to kill themselves at this point. There really is no more miserable experience than this because the cosmetics counter is NEVER anywhere near any possible diversion for a guy.
But, you can fix that.
Instead of just asking your man to tell you if he likes how something smells in the air or on your palm, roll up your sleeve and hit your forearm good. Let him smell that. He'll figure, "same as usual" at first.
Then, open up your top button on your blouse and spritz your cleavage. Ask him how that smells too, be a dirty girl for once. Tell him that perfumes smell different on different parts of your skin.
In fact, if you really want to get him going, say, "Hmm, I wonder if it smells the same on her," as you point to the hawt chick working behind the counter that's helping you. "Do you mind?" Of course she won't because that's her job. So, start with her wrist. She'll hit it with perfume and then you can give her wrist a sniff. Go slow as you do this, remember your man is watching. Then, real casual like, while you're still holding her arm in your hands, tell your man, "what do you think?" and indicate her arm.
Give her a chance to bail out, but she won't, and he gets to sniff her too. Now THAT is giving, my friends, and don't you want to give to your man, since he is giving to you by coming along to the mall? Of course you do.
You might even ask the hawt chick if she minds a cleavage spritz too, on the same "different parts of the body" principle from before. Watch how happy your man becomes when you make this request. The odds are she's going to say "no," but now your man knows that you were thinking of him rather than yourself.
Anyway, you get the point.
Technique 4: Buy Him Something Secretly
Ok, this is simple. When you're training your dog to do tricks, to do things you want your dog to do that it would not otherwise have done on its own, what do you do? You give it treats, right? Right. Men (animals, as we discussed earlier) are no different. So buy him something. You must not promise this in advance. It has to be a surprise, and no the food and candy from number 1 up there don't count.
And the "treat" doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just, something. It can even just be like a squirt gun at that one weird store you went into or the little alligator on a stick that opens and closes its mouth when you pull the little trigger on the other end. Just something. (Yes, these sound like toys and this idea is very similar to how you would treat a child, but I believe "childish" was also mentioned in the introduction up above.)
Choose when you give it to him carefully, whether in a moment his enthusiasm seems to be waning, as a pick me up, or when you get home as a surprise. Just remember, you have to reward him with his treat close enough to the "trick" that he associates the gift with the activity. Man memory isn't much better than dog memory when it comes to this kind of associative process.
Technique 5: Lingerie
Alright, on the topic of treats and buying him things, and by now you may be noticing a certain theme to these strategies, here's the last, and perhaps at this point, obvious one.
So, when you go into places like Victoria's Secret, Fredericks of Hollywood or wherever else. You need to try stuff on and let him check you out. This may require you cast off some of your modesty, obviously. Another great trick, if you can find a store that does it, is to have the women there try stuff on too. You have to allow yourself to be enthusiastic about this, because he, in the name of not pissing you off, will probably not be able to drool and say the stuff he would have said if you weren't there. So it's up to you to make this entertaining for him with your genuine appreciation for how stuff looks. If you must, think of it as "acting" until you can internalize the fun (just as you are hoping he will internalize the fun of coming to the mall).
The bottom line is, the experience is up to you. If you want to share these moments of shopping joy with the man you love, you're going to have to put a bit more effort in. I know, you may be thinking, why can't he put more effort in? Why can't he stop dragging his feet and acting miserable instead?
Well, here's the part you're missing. He came with you. He didn't want to. He wanted to stay home and watch the game. YOU made him come. So, you have three choices.
- Let him stay home next time.
- Drag him along and you can both be miserable.
- Put some effort into making the experience fun for both of you.
Enthusiasm is the Key
The ultimate success of these techniques really depends on the effort mentioned in number three. For these techniques to work, you will notice that each of them required enthusiasm on your part. You have to make him believe you truly care about the things he truly cares about at the mall. Remember, you didn't like his lack of enthusiasm for shopping in the past, right? His sulking half-assed attempt to be a part of the experience? Well, if you want him to be enthusiastic about the trip, you have to be enthusiastic about the parts of it that will make him be, well, enthusiastic too.
I hope this helps to bring you and your man together and enables more quality time for you both. Good luck and happy shopping.