Five Ways to Get Kicked Out Of An Amusement Park
Ah! The Sights, The Smells, The Sounds of Fun!
When the snow is at least a foot on the ground and the wind is blowing pieces of ice in my face, I will always start to think of the number of days left until the third weekend in May (132 days). My wishful thinking and desire to count days is not really because of the warmer weather, consistent sunshine, or days of entropy. It's because I have a part-time, season job at an amusement park, where every day is a new adventure.
Most of us have been to an amusement park at least once in our lives. We know what the sounds of screams coming from the rides sound like. We know the fragrant, thick smells of fried dough and popcorn wafting through the air. We know the names of the rides that we see. It's a wonderland that is exclusive to children--of all ages!
But there are things that you can do to get kicked out of an amusement park. It's not a free-for-all place of fun, where everything goes. There are rules to be followed and obeyed, and as long as you don't make the ride operators angry with you, there will be no problem. It's when those rules are broken that the fun ends and you run the risk of not just being barred from a particular ride (saying you're a customer is a weak argument) but being thrown out of the park completely.
If that, for some strange reason, is your goal of entering into the wonderland of high fatty foods and rides that will spin you until you vomit, here are some tips for you!
Disclaimer: These are all pretty bad ideas. I do not condone these actions in any way, shape, or form. A girl has to cover her butt, you know?
5 Ways to Get Thrown Out
5. Keep Your Hands and Arms OUTSIDE the Car AT ALL TIMES.
This you hear everywhere. Sit on your butt and, for whatever reason, do NOT stick your hands outside of the car you're sitting in. At all. Never. Seriously.
Remember back to your first ride. Maybe you were so scared and cried the whole time? Maybe you were indifferent at the start of it, but having the time of your life by the time the ride ended? Maybe you remember the mean ride operator that kept on screaming at you to keep your hands in? Well, since that first ride, you began to get comfortable with the large metal structures that spun, flipped, and whipped you around and you began to forget that they can be dangerous.
Just because a ride was created and tested does not mean it's the safest thing ever. That's what rules are for. And because the ride cars are usually topless, like mini convertibles, people can easily stick there hands out. Sticking them UP is not a problem. There is usually enough of a ceiling between yourself and the metal arm that you will not even come close to contact. Sticking your hands OUT will cause your arm to break, ligaments to be torn, or your arm to come OFF.
Here's my tip for getting kicked out:
Get on one of the fastest moving rides in the park! When the ride starts up, start testing the observation powers of the ride operator (maybe even the e-brake operator that comes with the biggest, fastest rides). Stick your hand out and in, out and in. Make it obvious too, with a snide comment or sneer about how you know more about the ride than they do. If you keep that up, you will at least get thrown off the ride and probably barred from it. That's when you go to the second fastest ride in the park and do the same thing over and over again. Soon, you will get thrown out. And maybe that will be in an ambulance too!
Chicks Dig the Cast
4. Cutting in Line
This is a serious offense for many places! A huge line has formed right in front of the bumper cars. It's at least a thirty minute wait! You don't have that much time in your plan to get kicked out of the park. So you do what any good person would do: cut in line.
Make it obvious. Anything you do, you need witnesses and you really need the operator to see you doing it. But keep in mind, a good ride operator keeps their eyes on the ride at all times when it is in operation. So wait until the ride is loading. Push your way past the loud, annoying teenagers, and knock aside the little kids. Then calmly hand your tickets (or show your wristband or just say "hi") to the operator. This makes the operator know that you are mentally sound and knew what you just did.
At this point, the operator will ask you to go to the back of the line. A quick way to make the operator angry is to just ignore the order, get onto the ride, and argue with them when they try to toss you off. But the operator can't argue forever. They will probably let you ride this one ride then never let you get a chance to get on it again. Chances are, you are now barred from the ride for the rest of the day, too, regardless of who's running it. If that happens, just stay in the car after the ride ends. Simply refuse to get off of it. Higher-ups will be called and you will be told to get out. Congrats on a job well done.
But wait! You actually listened to the operator and went to the back of the line? Well, don't worry! Just cut in line again! Really milk this. Do it as often as needed, but it shouldn't take many tries. You'll make everyone angry with you, not just the operator, at this point. And you can do this one with any ride. You can also throw in tip #5 and keep pushing away other cars with your hands, risking breaking your wrist! Double rule-breaking works wonders and is highly efficient!
You're Way More Efficient Than People Who Brush Their Teeth in the Shower
3. Get Really Really Drunk
What is a group outing without sneaking in some sort of alcoholic beverage in an empty bottle of sun lotion? It is pretty essential for the third tip to your ultimate goal of public humiliation, that's for sure. Yet, you could always get lucky and get into an amusement park that only has limitations of alcohol (For example, you can have alcohol in a non-marked container, like a plastic cup you get twenty of from food stores) or sells it.
Whatever the case is, you have an adult drink. Then, what are you waiting for? Drink up! Get really smashed. You don't want that special type of drunk where you know what you're doing but don't really care. You want the type of drunk that helps you time travel forward about twelve hours, when you wake up with magic marker on your face, seven parrots of all colors chewing on your couch, and your passed-out best friend riding a toy tractor.
Once you are good and drunk, do whatever you think is a good idea. Chances are, it will take at most thirty minutes for you to make enough of a fool of yourself to get kicked out. You will probably remove all your clothes, start fighting with the creepy, plastic, moving, fortune-giving dummy in the box, and try to waltz with a fence. These are all big behaviors that only drunk people would think is a good idea and they are all behaviors that will have you escorted off the premisses.
Thankfully, if you want to avoid remembering any of the humiliation, you will be too drunk to know. And maybe, as an added bonus, you might just get a visit from the police and fined with indecent exposure and destruction of property!
But, if somehow, you're one of those quiet drunks that just shuffles along and does whatever, this won't really work. In that case, try going on some rides. First go on a ride that really spins. After vomiting, eat and drink some more as fast as you can and try going on another ride. Vomit on the ride again and then fill up the ol' stomach again. After a little while, you will feel horrible, but all the operators will hate you because they have to clean up. You'll be on the road to your goal at the end of that, for sure.
You Can Take 'Im
2. Steal Something!
Pretty obvious advice, right? But it's far more complicated than you think, and it's easier said than done. Now, I'm not talking about your moral fiber being at odds with committing a crime that you dabbled in when you were an infant going through the "mine" phase. I know that we're not talking about moral fiber because you probably have none if you are trying the various methods to get kicked out of the park. That means we're in the clear.
What makes theft a hard crime to do at an amusement park is the location and object. If you end up stealing a plastic spider ring that some kid got by redeeming five prize tickets and then dropped on the ground, then you will not have any repercussion at all. And you probably need a dictionary to look up the words "theft" and "steal". Unfortunately, amusement parks don't sell dictionaries at the gift shop. But you should go to the gift shop anyway!
Look around. There are pencils, magnets, t-shirts, sweaters, postcards, hats and little knick-knacks that you can buy someone to see them say "Oh . . . Thank you!", and then throw away. Select wisely. You need something big enough that the cashier notices that you didn't purchase, but something that is easy to run with (because a good chase is essential to making a lot of people angry. The angrier they get, the better name you will make for yourself.)
You see the shiny balloons that someone decided to put on plastic sticks. You reach out. Good choice. It is easy to run with, uncommon enough for the cashier to remember, as well as suspicious! You don't have any kids with you! You are just an adult with a balloon of a cartoon character--very conspicuous. Now walk out.
You will be reported for theft all across the park. And the cops will be called for sure! Run around like mad, but stay inside of the park at all costs. Stop every once in a while when they think that you had gone. Try going on a ride or two. Stop to play that game where you try to knock down the cups with a ball. If the park decides to give up on you, go back to another store (or the same one if you can) and pick up something else. Then go running around again.
Soon enough, you will be caught and brought to justice. And your legend will live on as the weird person who stole random stuff and ran around the park. Ride operators and game attendants everywhere will remember you with a roll of their eyes and a long, drawn-out "what" hidden behind some laughter. You will be as legendary as that flight attendant who quit and emergency ejected out of a parked plane.
But Not As Legendary As Capone
1.) Get Into A Fight With A Supervisor
They are usually pretty obvious to spot. They are not wearing the same work shirt as the ride operators and game attendants, they walk at a fast pace with radios, and they have a bunch of keys that jingle-jingle-jingle whenever they step. They are the supervisors and managers of the particular park you're at. And they are just the people to really kick you out quick. As an added bonus, you get another thing to add to your police record, just behind theft, destruction of property, and indecent exposure!
Once you locate a supervisor, you have to be quick. They have things to do and can disappear just as fast as they appear. So look around. Find something--anything!--to complain to the about. Is there a pothole? Is there vomit on the ground? Did the snack girl refuse to give you a cup of fryer grease? Pick anything and then approach.
The key is to act calm at first. Start off like you are a normal person with just a little complaint about the lack of drinkable fryer grease for purchase. Talk about the other places you've gone to that let you have it for a nominal fee. Also, talk about how healthy it is for you. It doesn't matter if you're lying or making things up. All that matters is that you are believable and causing disagreements between yourself and the supervisor.
Once the supervisor goes into his or her use-all-too-frequently used speech about company policy about giving grease out in a cup, and the health ramifications generally accepted by society about how unhealthy grease is and blah, blah, blah--throw a punch! It has to be unexpected because you do not want the supervisor to put up their guard. So throw a punch. The police will be called, you will be subdued, and you will probably be black-listed from the park for life.
Of course, you won't get that fryer grease that you are now probably craving. Nor will you be able to get the fried dough made in that grease. But then again, maybe you want to consider why that fried dough is so good to begin with?
You Won't Even Be Able to Get Any Funnel Cake
You have now completed reading my tips to getting thrown out of an amusement park. There are other methods, but these leave the most lasting impressions for you and/or for the people around you. Now you are ready to sit back, relax, and wait for the spring to come when the parks in the Northern areas of the world open up for business. Or you could always attempt to get banned for life from one of the big ones. But that might take a lot more finesse and efficiency than what anyone actually trying to get kicked out of an amusement park would be willing to do.
Either way, remember to add bonus points for ever type of police record you gain with this process and always remember that I'm not telling you to do any of this. In fact, you shouldn't do this at all. It could seriously ruin your life in ways you can't possibly imagine.
Well, good luck and see you on the tilt-a-whirl this summer!