Flu prevention and more ...
It's amazing ...
Better than Inoculation ...
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eightis and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in it floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's unusual content, but it soon got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice, I wander if you could tell me about this", pointing at the bowl.
"Oh, yes", she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park recently and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disseas. Immagine, it really works! I haven't had the flu all winter."
Homeland Security & Health
DEPARTMENT of HOMELAND SECURITIEY
2010 Statistics on Airport Screening
Terrorist Plots Discovered ... 0
Transvestites ................... 133
Hernias ......................... 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases ........ 3,172
Enlarged Prostates ....... 8,249
Breast Implants ........... 59,350
Natural Blondes ................... 3
BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a local supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead' and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car came up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The truck driver said, 'No, I was just delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!'
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses. A smart-assed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in to-morrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.