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Funniest Married With Children quotes

Updated on May 13, 2009

Funniest Married With Children quotes

Peg: " You got a night job?"
Al:  " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed with You.'"
Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work."

Jack: " I can't think of one thing you could do better than me."
Al:   " Why don't you ask your wife about that, Jack."

Boy: " I want my mommy!"
Al:  " So does your dad's brother."

Bud:   " Use you wits."
Kelly: " I am."
Bud:   " No, wits, with a 'W.'"
Kelly: " Mommy, he's spelling at me again."

Guy: " Hey, Bundy, I'm having steak tonight. What are you having?"
Al:  " If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife."

Peg: " I need something lucky to rub"
Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky"

Al:  " Yes, officer, a description...Let me calm down. It's getting hard to talk. 19" diagonal, maple console, notches on the side where the kids grew up..."
Bud: " Dad, what about mom?"
Al:  " Oh, yea, my wife's missing, too."

Kelly: " Can I ask you a favor?"
Al:    " Kelly, you don't even have to ask. Peg, take the boy and the dog and get the hell out of here."

Al:  " Anything for dinner, Peg?"
Peg: " Get a wife!"

Al:  " Have I told you not to marry?"
Bud: " Yea, dad"
Al:  " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?"
Bud: " Yea, dad"
Al:  " Well, I guess I told you everything I know."

Al: " Let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a wedding chapel."

Al: " Gee officer, if I thought my wife was missing, whould I be in this bar and drinking a beer ?

Al:  " Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave."

Al: " I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit."

Al:        " That's my douche."
Jefferson: " There's enough room in feminine hygiene for both of us. Let's shake on it."
 < Jefferson sprays some FDS in Al's eyes>
 Al:  " I'm blind and I smell like summer rain

Peg: " What should we name the baby?"
Al:  " The reaper."

Peg: " I've got to go to the doctor. I want you to come with me."
Al:  " I never came with you before."
Peg: " Don't get me started. I was talking about the doctor."

Al:  " I got everything right here"
Peg: " You bought 'shower in a box?'"
Al:  " I couldn't afford it. Years ago I bought 'wife on a couch.'"

Kelly: " Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?"
Al:  " Women"

Guy: " Hey Bundy, have sex with your wife 50 times. I'm cooking an egg."
Al:  " Why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out of his dress!"

Al: " Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid."

Al:  " Somebody call the police."
Bud: " But the call costs more than the car."
Al:  " Yea, and it costs more that the condom I should have used on the night you were conceived."

Bud:   " Kelly, what are you watching Spanish television?"
Kelly: " Spanish? I though it was just some English words I didn't understand."

Al:    " I don't want you to learn anything until the show tomorrow."
Kelly: " How am I going to do that?"
Al:    " Follow your mother around."

Kelly: " Why don't you take mom to see 'The Bridges of Madison County?' I hear there's a director's cut with 11 minutes of Clint Eastwood sponge bathing Merryl Streep."
Al:    " Is there no other way?"
Kelly: " You could make love to her all night."
Al:    " Either way, I'll be eating Junior Mints and crying in the dark."

June: " Take me, Al. I want you in the worst way."
Al:   " That's the only way I know how."

Kelly: Daddy, I just found out I'm dying. I have Bulgaria. The doctor says it's terminus.

Peggy: Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go [Drives off in a limousine]
Al: [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.
Bud: Mom is gone?
Al: Yeah.
Bud: Was it something I did?
Al: I don't know. Maybe.

Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?
Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it?

Marcy: Peggy, I say this with love. You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.

AL: You're not gonna put M&Ms in your lap and make me hunt for 'em? By the time I get there they've melted and it gets all gooey.
PEGGY:  Well y'know, if you get there sooner, they'd melt in your mouth...

PEGGY)  Al Bundy, I have never been so ashamed of you. Well, except for last night. Well, we'll just keep that between ourselves. Which was something you weren't able to do. But let's not get into it. Which, you know, you also had trouble with...
AL)     Okay, Peg!
PEGGY)  Alright, I'm sorry, Al. I won't bring it up again. Of course, "up"...
Al slaps his hand over Peg's mouth to shut her up.

PEGGY)  Uhh, honey... Why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?
AL)     Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Al: Peg, I thought tonight we might do something different. You know the newlywed couple at the end of the block? I peeked in their window
Peg: Oh, you're so kinky baby.
Al: Peg, I wanna do what they were doing.
Peg: Well, I'm game. What were they doing?

Al: Guys like that deserve what they get!
Pete: He's getting your wife!
Al: Well, let the punishment fit the crime!

AL: I don't want to have sex; you're my wife, for God's sake!

AL: Sex again? Peg, we've been married seventeen years now. Can't we just be friends?

KELLY:  What are daughters for?
AL:  I don't know

BUD    (CONFIDENTIALLY) Mom, you can be square with me. I mean, I know Kelly is Dad's natural daughter, but
    me, I was just some one night stand with a cool guy, right?
KELLY    I heard that. I'm not Dad's either.
BUD    Are too!
KELLY    Am not!
BUD    Are too!
KELLY    Am not!
PEGGY    Kids. Stop that. You're both Daddy's kids.

PEGGY   Well, you've come to the right place. (PATS AL ON THE KNEE AGAIN) I tell ya, the most important thing the first few times is to make them feel like they're doing a good job. Even when they're not. You know, I say things like "Hoh. Honey, I wasn't laughing at you, I was just thinking of a joke!" or, "You know when it's the real thing, it only has to take but a minute." Oh, and you should keep a little glass of water by the side of the bed. Sorta sprinkle your brow, they'll
really think you're into it. I've gotten a few "Suffer, baby"'s from Al with that one. (SHE AND MARCY LAUGH. AL SINKS INTO THE COUCH) Oh, and then... (LAUGHS) if you have a free hand, which I always do, you wanna just sorta reach over to the clock and move it forward. It's a good confidence builder. And always practice moaning to cover up your yawns. (SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND AL'S SHOULDERS) Y'know, I guess what I'm saying is, you've just gotta leave the man with something!
AL      Peg, you forgot about your best secret move. You know, spitting cracker jacks while you shout instructions? Oh, and the passionate "Remember tomorrow's garbage day" at just that right moment. (TO MARCY) You know, I can't speak for all men but that really turns me into a tiger.

JEFFERSON:  Okay, now that you're more composed, can you tell me what you were doing sitting behind my car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth?
AL: My wife wants me to make love to her.
JEFFERSON: Well, then shouldn't she be the one with her mouth on the exhaust pipe?
AL: You don't understand. She wants me to hold her and to kiss her, and tell her how happy she's made me feel. Look at me. I'm shivering. Parts of me have fainted.
JEFFERSON: You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have made love to over twenty thousand women.
AL: Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.

AL: Alright, let's see here. Uh-huh. "No education, no experience and no drive necessary." Now, what kind of stupid job could that... [reading again] Oh yeah, shoe salesman... Hey, here's one! "Bartender in a topless bar." Well, I think I could handle that. All it takes is a little maturity and as we know, I am a mature man. [laughs giddily] Hehehehe! [cups his hands] I'm gonna see boobies!

AL: How ya feeling, Peg? I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs this morning.
PEGGY  I know. I was pretty tired. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake last night.
AL: Yeah, those damn bees! You know, and one must've stung
ya too, because I heard you scream.

AL: Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher? ... Oh, she's Mrs O'Brien now. Uh-huh. You're the husband? I... I see. Well, could you do me a favor? ... My
name's Al Bundy. Uh, could you ask her if she meant it when she said she'd
had them all and I was the best? ... Oh, she's breast feeding? Hey-hey-hey-hey, that brings back memories...

PEGGY: No, Al, I just thought it would be nice if we could enjoy something together.
AL: We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg, remember how we cried?

PEG    Now, I want you to take this to work with you and hang it up, so I can
be with you all day long.
AL: Well, that kinda defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?

BUD:  Oh, finally! Some quiet. Just you and me now, Buck boy.
BUCK: Uh oh. I've seen porno films that start like this.

GARY: For the thirty-seventh time, Bundy, do you take this woman to be your wife?
 AL: For the thirty-seventh, eighth and ninth times - no, no, no.

PEGGY:  Is that a burger I smell on your breath?
AL: No, Peg, it's our wedding cake. That's the last time I ate.

Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

Peggy:  Question two. Who would you rather spend the night with? A - your wife, or B - 
Al: [cutting her off] B.

Peggy: Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet, so far.

Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Kelly: We wouldn't be having this problem if we had used a see-saw.
Bud: We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom.

Bud: I was caught having sex in the college library.
Al: All right. That's my boy.
[Starts shaking Bud's hand]
Al: Who's the lucky girl?
Bud: You're shaking her.

Al: Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet.
Kelly: That's not me, Dad.
Bud: That's the picture that came with the wallet.
Al: Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic.
Kelly: She's Chinese, Dad!
Al: That's what I was hoping you would be!

KELLY  Daddy, I need your help. Listen, I'm hot on the trail of this weird guy
named Waldo. (Kelly opens the book and shows it to Al) Have you seen him?
AL [to Peg] She's gonna be with us till we die, you know!

Al Bundy: It doesn't work anymore, Peg.
Peggy Bundy: What doesn't work anymore?
Al Bundy: It.
Peggy Bundy: How can you tell?
Al Bundy: I've been reading Playboy, Penthouse, Juggs, Hustler, Big 'Uns, Little 'Uns, Round 'Uns, I Between 'Uns. Nothing. Then I remembered something. It hasn't worked since I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank. She killed it. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Kelly: You registered our car as a farm vehicle?
Peggy: I'm not surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
Al: And the next thing I register will be a handgun.

Al: Gee your honor, I don't know where that shotgun came from!

Al:  " Last month when you came back from "swapping recipes" < Troy's> ,
you were, let's say, 'horny as a toad' and I gave you some money to fix the breaks on my car, do I have any breaks, Peg?"
Peg: " No, Al."
Al:  " And when the kids needed money for a school project, we don't really sponsor a Korean family."
Peg: " No, Al."
Al:  " And when Kelly needed contacts. So the big frost didn't really drive up the price of Tang. Are the kids really at your mother's or have they been sold to some Arabs?"

Al: " Bud, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being a dullard and all. But if Kelly doesn't graduate, she won't move out and daddy won't get his own room. And if daddy doesn't get his own room, he might just run amock starting in
alphabetical order. Do you understand, BUD?"

Kelly: " Daddy. I can't sleep."
Al:  " Well have you tried counting something, like the seconds you have left to live?"

STEVE: [looking outside] Look at the size of him. He looks like acid must've been thrown at his face. This guy is fresh out of the asylum. A car horn is heard honking outside.
KELLY: Oh, that's my date!

Peg: " Bud, was I a good mother?"
Bud: " You must've been. I was the only 8 month who could change his own diapers."

Al:  " Peg, when you married me was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?"

Bud: " Are you absolutely sure you're my father?"
Al:  " You think, I didn't run for an immediate blood test?"

Peg: " Al, why don't you get a license plate that tells the world how YOU feel?"
Al:  " Because 'KILL ME' was taken by your father."

Marcie: " I guess you were mistaken when you came over to borrow something and we told you to take what you wanted...which leads us to our flatware."
Al: " I didn't steal your bra."

Jefferson: " Why are you running, Al?"
Al: " Can you seriously look at me and ask that?"

Jefferson: " Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in the tank of a car you've already wrecked."
Al:   " Thank god mine pulls into self-serve."

Peg: " I need someone besides you to be the father of my child."
Al:  " You should have thought of that 5 months ago."

< Al's watching TV>
 TV: " Stay tuned for our after-school special: 'I Drink Cos My Dad's a Shoesalesman'"

Peg: " Al, I want the whole enchilada. The whole 4 yards."
Al:  " That's 9 yards, Peg."
Peg: " Do you really want me to get out the ruler?"

Al: That has to be the dumbest move in history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered your phone call the day after we had sex."

Kelly: " Quoth the raven: Demi Moore."

Jerry Mathers to Bud & Kelly: Well, at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes

Bud: " Dad, can I talk to you."
Al:  " Why me? Get a friend."

Al: " This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her."

Al:  " Peg, would you like a BMW?"
Peg: " I kinda see myself in a Jaguar."
Al:  " Oh, if we could only find one that hungry."

Al: " I, too, am a great believer in love. I want to find it myself some day. Let me give you a little bit of advice. Bed 'em, don't wed 'em. Do 'em, don't woo 'em. Date 'em, don't mate 'em."

Peg: " True to his performance in bed, I think it's safe to say Al has let me down again...Unfortunately in this case, I can't reach into the nightstand and get myself home."

Kelly: " Daddy, you ruined my life."
Al:    " That makes us even."

Kelly:  Bud, I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna bury you alive!


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    • profile image

      BBH 20 months ago

      Best show with the best quotes ever created for TV. This show still makes me laugh. 6-10 episodes a day are still on and I watch them all everyday. This show set a high standard for TV shows and no shows since this has been as funny.

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      bill 3 years ago

      Love dis show al Bundy s my idol I feel his pain ha ha

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      3 years ago

      This show is great

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      Jessica 3 years ago


      my boy friend James broke up with me just because his Mother didn't accept my ethnic group , she believe we are totally difference in believing , we tried worked things out to let his mother to understand that there is love between us and we don't mind about ethnic group, last month my boy friend finally make up his mind and gave me a call early in the morning said he gave up on me that we have to broke up our relationship and told me to move on with my life, i went through pain and depress till a friend of mine introduce Dr Love spell Caster ( Tel:2348038096203 to me that him will help me restored my relationship problem with my boy friend back to normal relationship and my boy friend James will come back to me and his Mother would accept as his wife , then i dont believe it will work but i told DR LOVE my relationship problem . he promise to help me restored my relationship back between 48hrs , so now i have my boy friend back to me between 48hrs he engaged me and we choose a date for our marriage and his mother accept me and she like me very much now ,Thanks you so much Dr Love .

      Warm Regards


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      scott 4 years ago

      Did you know Ed O’Neill("Al" on "married with children") received his black-belt in the martial arts in 2007? Check it out at

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      Jesús 4 years ago

      Fantastic! Al "The King" Bundy.

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      moataz 6 years ago

      hi i like your smile connect with me at

    • liss1979 profile image

      liss1979 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA (unfortunately)

      I might have to start doing an episode by episode blog.

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      Fay Jay 7 years ago


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      Marcos 7 years ago

      I started watching this show when I was about 5 or 6 with my dad. Was that wrong? Until this day it still makes me laugh.

    • Mike Lickteig profile image

      Mike Lickteig 8 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

      I loved Married With Children, it always kept me laughing. Remember Al's poems? Nothing could beat his "Night Before Christmas" poem.

      Thanks, this was a fun recollection.

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      madmann 8 years ago

      "Whooooooaaaaa, Bundyyyyyy....!"