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100 Funniest Quotes Of All Times

Updated on August 6, 2010


Quotes of all Times

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Homer Simpson

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent

Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things!
Homer Simpson

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Chanel No. 5.
Marilyn Monroe
Asked what she wore in bed.

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Will Rogers

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
George Burns

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Don't have a cow, man.
Bart Simpson

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West

Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Winston Churchill

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Woody Allen

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer Simpson

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield

Eat my shorts.
Bart Simpson

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
George S. Kaufman

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey

Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
Mae West

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
Saint Augustine

Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers

'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
Mae West

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx

He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.
George Bernard Shaw

He who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day;
But he who is in battle slain
Can never rise and fight again.
Oliver Goldsmith

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West

He who hesitates is last.
Mae West

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
George Bernard Shaw

Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
Homer Simpson

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
Mae West

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
George Bernard Shaw

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb

I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
Noel Coward

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.
Duke of Wellington

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
Mae West

I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.
Mae West

I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

I drink therefore I am.
W.C. Fields

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
Mae West

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Woody Allen

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.
Oscar Wilde

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain


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    • profile image


      10 years ago

      Hillarious !!!


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