- Entertainment and Media
Funny Band Jokes
I didn't come up with these, I just saw them posted in the band room yesterday. Enjoy!
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one--but they'll go through a whole box of them before they find just the right one!
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.
Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
Q: Is there a difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
A: Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.
Q: Why was the clarinet invented?
A: To make the oboe look good, mess up someone's fingers, and to ensure that there will always be someone to steal reeds from.
Flute and Piccolo Jokes
Q. How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
A. You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance.
Q. How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune?
A. Shoot one.
Q: What's the difference between a flutist and a piranha?
A: The lipstick.
Q: How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six -- One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.
Q: How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A: When the engines stop, the whining continues
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the
road and a dead flutist in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do you call a good flute section?
Q: Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
A: You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.
Q: Why were flutes invented?
A: To hit the person on the right.
Q: Why were piccolos invented?
A: To give the whole orchestra a headache.
Q: What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
A: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A flutist.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and a flute?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a flute
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
There is a group of 6th grade flute players, and they are in a competition to who can get the highest note.
"Look guys, I can play a high A!" (Screeeeeeech!)
"Well, I can get to high B" (Screeeech!, Any glass nearby busts)
"I can play piccolo!" (Panic ensues)
"Noo! DON'T DO IT!"
"PUT IT AWAY!"
Oboe and Bassoon Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
Q: What are oboes good for?
A: Kindling when burning bassoons.
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his tuner.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the oboe recital.
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What do an oboe and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What is the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop an oboe into little pieces.
Q: How do you keep a clarinet from being stolen?
A: Put it in an oboe case.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and an alto sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
Q: How are a saxophone player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano sax and a cat in heat?
A: Not much, really.
Q: Why did the first chair alto player play so many wrong notes?
A: Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.
Q: How do you know when a saxophone player is at your door?
A: They don't know which key to use or where to enter.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Q: What's the difference between a garbage truck and a baritone sax?
A: One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.
Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
A: It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.
Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax and a baritone sax?
A: The baritone holds bigger plants.
Q: What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad bari sax player?
A: The sax player could kill you.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
Q: What did the saxophone player get on his IQ test?
Q: How is a tenor sax solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.
Q: What's the difference between a baritone sax and a chainsaw?
A: Two things... the vibrato, and the exhaust.
Q: What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two altos playing in unison.
Q: Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
A: There's no place to hide their drugs.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it
Q: What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird.
Q: What's the difference between a sax player and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead.
Q: How can you tell if a saxophonist is intelligent?
A: He can understand a fingering chart except for L.th and R.th.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
A: The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
Q: How do you get a saxophone player out of your house?
A: Pay him (or her) for the pizza!
Q: How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.
Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn't build a atom-bomb.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to saxophone players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and Kenny G, with a gun and only two bullets, who do you shoot?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.
How are a saxophone and a guillotine similar?
1. They are both lethal.
2. They are both always sharp.
3. They both work best when dropped from high places.
Which is the ideal place to practice on a saxophone?
A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone player never, ever practices. The risk of learning to play is much too great.
Contrary to popular belief, the saxophone is a percussion instrument, meant to be beaten by a hammer. A large hammer.
You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world, when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop!" The man is forced to stay the night in the natives' village. All through the night, the drums kept on going so he was unable to sleep at all. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because when drum solo stop, sax solo start!"
A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/pound
Percussion Brains $5/pound
Tuba Brains $10/pound
Saxophone Brains $100/pound
He asks the butcher why saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many saxophone players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Euphonium / Baritone Jokes
Q: What do you call a professional euphonium player who doesn't play in a military band?
Q: What do you call a euphonium player with a pager and a cell phone?
Q: Why was the baritone invented?
A: Someone thought the tuba should have a baby.
Q: How many euphonium players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What the heck is a euphonium??
Q: What's the grading scale for the quality of a baritone?
A: New, Hit by Bulldozer Once, Hit by Bulldozer Twice, Good for Parts.
Q: What do you do if you run over a baritone?
A: Back up and hit it again, just to make sure.
Q: What's the difference between a euphonium player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four!
Q: How do you keep a euphonium player in suspense?
A: Don't bother cutting him out of the tree.
Q: What instrument does the stupidest member of the band play?
A: Drums, but if that's too hard, they can always try euphonium.
Q: What's the difference between a dead euphonium player and a dead snake?
A: The snake died on its way to a gig.
Q: How many baritone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, we think. We've never really bothered to notice when they change lightbulbs.
Q: How do you get a euphonium player to play fortissimo?
A: Write "pp, espressivo"
Q: What's the difference between a euphonium and a drink machine?
A: With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.
Q: Why don't euphonium players play hide-and seek?
A: Nobody would bother to look for them.
Q: What is the difference between euphonium players and baritone players?
A: Baritone players don't always whine about how they don't play Euphonium.
Q: How many euphoniums does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to do breathing exercises until the room spins.
Q: What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A: A treble clef baritone.
Q: How do you get ahold of a baritone player?
baritone n: 1. vocal: someone who didn't make it as either a tenor or a bass; 2. instrumental: someone who didn't make it as either a tuba or a trombone; 3. a tuba that shrunk in the wash; 4. a trombone with taste; 5. an easier spelling of the word "euphonium."
euphonium n: a baritone that knows somebody
Top five reasons not to play the euphonium:
5: Not being allowed to play in a jazz band or a full orchestra.
4: Having to explain the differences between a baritone and a euphonium when you're really not sure yourself.
3: Having to hit both really high notes and really low notes.
2: Having to explain why your "tuba" is smaller than the rest.
1: No one knows what the heck it is.
Did you hear about the euphonium player who was so out of tune, his section noticed?
French Horn / Mellophone Jokes
Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a French horn in the garbage, and it hits a trumpet.
Q: What's the difference between a horn player and a director?
A: Two measures.
Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
A: Only one, but it takes forever to decide who gets to do it.
Q: What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: What is the difference between a squirrel and a French horn player in the back of a taxi?
A: The squirrel is probably going to a gig.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one -- but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a French horn player?
A: Trumpet players think that they are gifts from God and horn players know it.
Q: What is the range of a French Horn?
A: About 35 yards if you chuck it real hard.
Q: What's a similarity between playing a French horn solo and wetting your pants?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son French Horn lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1. "Hi. I played that last year."
2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
A priest and a horn player reach the gates of Heaven. The horn player is admitted, while the priest is not. "Why?" asks the bewildered priest. "When you preach, everybody falls asleep, whereas when the horn player is due, everybody prays!"
Q: What's the first position a trombonist learns?
A: Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.
Q: How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
A: He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: The trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: The trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: How many lessons does it take to teach a beginner trombone player to play a note?
A: Two, One to learn how to put it together and the second lesson to learn how to blow into it.
Q: What's is another term for "trombone"?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.
Q: What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good idea!
Q: What do you call a trombone player in the street?
A: A beggar.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound better?
A: Run it over with a lawnmower.
Q: What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his gigs?
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A: An optimist.
Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"
Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
Q: You are driving down a street and your director and a trombone player are crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first?
A: Your director. Business before pleasure!
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxophone section?
A: The trombones weren't meant to sound like two cats in a fight, but they do.
Q: How many trombone players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: One, if you spread him really thin.
Q: What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Q: What do you call a pretty woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a trombonist and a mouse?
A: The mouse actually gets some attention.
Q: How can you make a trombone player's car more aerodynamic?
A: Take off the pizza sign!
Q: Why do trombonists march while playing?
A: To get away from that awful sound!
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q:How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
A: Put a page of music in front of him.
Q: How do you get him to stop completely?
A: Put notes on the page.
A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says,"Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!"
These western vacationers find themselves on safari in the deepest, darkest jungle in Africa. They gradually become aware of the rumble of drums somewhere off in the distance.
Noticing their worried expressions, their seasoned African guide tells them, "It's okay. It is only bad when the drums stop."
Venturing further into the dense forest, their sense of foreboding returns as the incessant, ominous pounding grows louder and louder. "It is only bad when the drums stop," their guide reassures them. They press on.
As they round the bend at the base of a great mountain, the drums, much closer now, rise to a tremendous crescendo, then abruptly stop.
"Oh, no!" the guide screams, "Trombone solo!"
What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
1. An opportunity for an improvised solo.
2. A polite reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past 5 minutes.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding trumpet player running around in your backyard?
A: Stop laughing, and shoot again!
Q: What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
A: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
Q: How do you get a trumpet player out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a trumpet player?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching!
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven, if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What is the range of a trumpet player?
A: It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?
Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
A: The terrorist has sympathizers.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the trumpet players.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to play triple forte?
A: Mark mezzo piano on the part.
Q: How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
A: Take away his instrument.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and God?
A: God knows he's not a trumpet player.
Q: How are trumpets like pirates?
A: They both murder on the high C's
Q: Why does a trumpet have three valves?
A: Because trumpet players can't count to four.
Tiny Tim says to his mother, "Mother, I'd like to be a trumpet player when I grow up." His mother replies "Nonsense! You're already lame!"
Tuba / Sousaphone Jokes
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
Q: How do a tuba player's brain cells die?
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: Hey, did you hear about the tuba player who finished high school?
A: Me neither.
Q: What is Black and Brown and looks good on a tuba player?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you never say about a tuba player?
A: "That's the tuba player's Porsche."
Q: Why are tubas like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out of cars.
Q: What would you call the smartest tuba player in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll complain about how high the socket is.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?
A: A flat major.
Q: How do you keep a euphonium from being stolen?
A: Put it in a tuba case.
Two tuba players walk past a bar... well, it could happen.
A tuba player walked into a bar... It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed.
One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's this guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I do. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."
An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tuba player. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already." The tuba player, confused, asks "How should I know that?" The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?" The tuba player looks at him and asks "Do you call that rest?"
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the percussionists.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up or slows down.
Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Give him a piece of sheet music.
Q: What's the difference between percussionists and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.
Q: How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Q: How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
A: They put drumsticks on the dash.
Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
Q: What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend!
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Q: What should you call a drummer?
A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
Q: If a dollar bill was sitting in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time--the other three don't exist.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Person 1: "Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?"
Person 2: "No."
Person 1: "Neither did I."
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
The percussion section's motto: "We don't blow, we bang!"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."
Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate and says. "Hey, we need to know your IQ. It's not a requirement, it'll just help us find where you'll be happiest." The first guy walks up and says, "I had an IQ of 165." St. Peter says, "Wow! You must have been a rocket scientist or something!" "Actually, I was a rocket scientist." "Cool, well, you just go right over there, you'll have a blast." The second guy walks up. "I had an IQ of 134." "Woah! You must have been a brain surgeon!" "Actually, I was a brain surgeon." "Wow, I'm getting good at this! You go right over there, you'll fit right in." The third guy comes up, he looks a little embarrassed. "64." St. Peter smiles. "What kind of sticks did you use?"
There were these two people walking down the street. One was a drummer. The other didn't have any money either.
Director / Drum Major Jokes
***Keep in mind that for most jokes on this page, the words "director", "conductor", and "drum major" are interchangeable.***
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice -- just in case.
Q: What do you call 20 conductors at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What do you do with someone who's too stupid to play an instrument?
A: Give them two sticks and make them a percussionist...
Q: What do you do with someone who's too stupid to handle two sticks?
A: Take away one of the sticks and make them a conductor!
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see… and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk… and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said, “Lord I’m a high school band director.”
… and the Lord sat down and cried with him.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it", he answers.
Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a donkey. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the donkey tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the donkey asks. "Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"
The orchestra conductor had become ill just 15 minutes before the concert was to begin. The manager asked around if anybody could conduct the evening's program and was delighted when the second cellist volunteered. The cellist knew all the works and didn't even need a score for Brahms' third. At the end of the concert the orchestra was pleased, the manager was pleased, and they ended up asking the cellist to conduct for the next three weeks while the regular maestro recuperated from an emergency appendectomy. The three weeks went by quickly and soon the maestro was back on the podium. When the second cellist took his customary seat beside the violas, Sam, the principal violist, leaned over to him and asked, "Where the hell have you been for the last three weeks?"
Things You'll Never Hear a Band Director Say...
"Anybody got an Eminem CD I can borrow?"
"Ten minutes late? Don't worry about it, come on in!"
"Can't make it to practice? Try to come next time, if you're not too busy."
"Drums -- could you play louder please?"
"That was perfect."
"It's too hot, let's stay inside today."
"I wish football season would last forever."
"Don't bother thinking too hard -- it might give you a headache. Let me tell you how the music goes."
"Missed key signature? Don't worry about it. We'll get it next time."
"You all are practicing too much. Leave your horns here over the weekend."
"You didn't hear what I just said? I would be glad to repeat it after your conversation with your neighbor is over."
"Leave all your drum equipment out. I would be glad to put it away for you."
"Who wants gum?"
"One more time." (And actually do it only one more time.)
"I love fundraising!"
"Drummers, I'd love to get you a fifth copy of that piece. Let's not lose another one, okay?"
"Third clarinets, you are too loud."
"Trumpets -- I wish every section was as modest as you guys."
"I have nothing to do this weekend."
"We have too much rehearsal time."
[To the principal]
"Sorry, my budget is big enough already."
"We need more teachers' meetings."
"Can the band play at soccer games, track meets, and water polo matches, too?"
"Coach Wilson and I are going to see an opera this weekend."
"Only one duty?"
[To the music store]
"Do you have an arrangement of the Partridge Family's Greatest Hits?"
From Mr. Holland on the Edge, by Trey Reely.
Things Every Band Director Wants to Hear (But Never Will)
[From the administration]
I guess we'll have to hire another band director to help you guys out.
I like this budget proposal. Are you sure you don't need more?
An all-state tuba player is moving into your district. Is it too late to put her in band?
What time is your concert tonight?
Are you sure you don't want to take the band on another field trip this semester?
We want to give you another page in the yearbook
[From the students]
I'll be happy to organize your library files!
You're a cool band director.
Can we play a Sousa march?
You want us to march in 110 degrees? No problem!
But I want to play!!!
I cleaned my instrument last night.
I only have four reeds that are playing properly. Could you sell me another box of reeds?
Lip slurs and long tones are really fun!
I love sightreading!
All of my fund raising money is in on time.
This parade is too short!
Can we have a sectional after school?
Are you sure that two hours a day is enough practice?
I love scales. Can you teach me some more?
Can we have some harder drill?
Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Drum Major
10. Listen intently to his instructions. Do exactly the opposite. Insist that that was what he said to begin with.
9. Empty spit exactly in the spot where he steps down from the podium. Get the entire brass section to do this. Often.
8. Harass the cheerleaders. Blame the comments on the drum major.
7. Invent your own tempo. Stick to your guns, no matter how big his beats are or how much he glares at you.
6. "Confess" to your band director that you just can't follow such bad conducting and obscured beats.
5. Drop vital instrument parts during drill (this includes bells, mouthpieces, foot joints, slides, etc.).
4. Wait until he's just finished an hour of basics reviewing. "Forget" to step off on your left foot. Repeatedly.
3. Whenever you see him trying to find his tempo, immediately start singing, playing, or tapping your foot loudly and out of tempo. Annoyingly infectious songs or songs in a completely different meter are especially effective.
2. Wait until the busses have left before looking surprised and announcing loudly, "No one told us to take our uniforms off the bus, too!" or "You mean they aren't coming back to unload the instruments?!" These actions are best performed by at least three people for maximum chaos.
1. In your sweetest and most respectful voice, ask him, "As God, why can't you make our team win a game?" Look serious. Expect an answer. Wait for one.
How to Keep Your Band Director In Line
Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs!
Tune to the wrong note.
Play for five measures after you are cut off.
Ask constantly, "Why didn't I get the solo?" "Why didn't I get first chair?" "Why?" "Why?" Be relentless.
Play things up an octave.
Show up for your audition with the wrong instrument.
Forget your horn, music, anything and everything.
Hide the director's score.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor!
Push in or pull out one half inch. Have the person sitting next to you do the opposite. Pretend nothing is wrong.
If you are section leader - pretend to play three measures early and see if the rest of the section follows you. They will. Blame them.
Accept no responsibility. Ever.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, extra reeds, etc... percussionists must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
Brass players: Empty spit valves constantly.
Percussionists: drop stuff. (cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.)
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, Oboe and Clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part).
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns! Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet... nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
How to Be a Band Director
After the flute section has a long rest that they've been trying so hard to count in their heads for, cut off the beat before they come in for the first time in 46 measures.
Forget things. Often. Make lousy cover ups for forgetting.
Pick one section. One entire section. Hate them.
Promise administration that the band will play for every pep assembly.
Promise teachers that you won't take the band out of class for pep assemblies.
Never tell students about the assembly.
Use the term "Let's just make sure it wasn't luck" very often. In your world, it will mean "I love torturing these kids to do it the right way more than once!"
Use the lovely device "Dr. Beat". Connect it to the big speakers, turn up the volume, and the students will have the tempo 120 beating in their head for the rest of the week.
Play a brass instrument. All band teachers play a brass instrument. It's especially enjoyable when the flutes or clarinets don't know an important trill fingering.
Try to teach them the fingering anyway.
You are always right. Unless you are conducting a band. And then still act like you are right.
When the band isn't doing something right, you need to remember that your baton isn't just for counting beats.
Hope to death that no one invents a way for a metronome to take a bow.
Don't conduct what the band is supposed to play, conduct what they're about to play.