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Funny Sexy Quotes

Updated on September 14, 2015

Laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs so enjoy my collection of favourite funny sexy quotes. Most of them are anonymous; some of them have been used countless times in films and greeting cards. The truth is that if a man -or a woman- can make you laugh, then you might be able to be with him for the rest of your days. Once the lust and romance have subdued what is left is someone with whom you can enjoy your life!

The Real Relationship Between Men and Women

Source

"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you." ―Dorothy Parker

Source

Funny Sexy Quotes On Self Assured Women:

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." Mae West

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren

"I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there." Ursula Andress

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."-Brigitte Bardot

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone.

"It is better to be looked over than overlooked" Mae West.

"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it." Mae West

"A hard man is good to find." Mae West

"I'm into bondage. I think it's really fun, and I love playing the part of the damsel in distress. ... The feeling is amazing when someone [spanks me] right." Dita Von Teese Said marrying rocker Marilyn Manson.

If you are not in the mood:

"The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working."

"I Don't Remember How to Do It."

For married people:

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects"

"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him." Marilyn Monroe

"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?"

— Laura Kightlinger

What is Marriage?

Funny Sexy Quotes For The Lonely:

"I'm so good in sex because I practice a lot on my own"

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk"

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women"

Software is like Sex. Its better when it is free

"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

About Men

Source

Funny Sexy Quotes About Men:

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed." Marcello Mastroianni

"I suppose women are attracted to the bad-boy image sometimes because it's fun to have an adventure. It's like eating junk food... it's fun at the time, but ultimately not the best choice."
Dita Von Teese

“Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.” ― Marilyn Monroe, My Story


About Women:

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." PJ O'Rourke

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

— Robert De Niro

Why Do Men Wear Dresses

About Women and Mechanical Devices

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." (P. J. O'Rourke)

The Battle of the Sexes

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
― Henry Kissinger

“It may be a man's world, but men are easily controlled by women.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

“A womanly occupation means, practically, an occupation that a man disdains.” ― George Gissing, The Odd Women

Is an ugly man/woman who can make you laugh more attractive than a pretty man or woman who barely cracks a smile?

See results

Funny Advert

Sex is Like Math

Silly Questions:

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.” Steve Martin

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

"So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?" - Billy Connolly

Only for clever, mathematically minded people:

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." I must admit, that I still do not get this one, but I thought I would include it anyway to see if any of you do!

Only for literature lovers:

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."-William Shakespeare

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed." Shakespeare

"Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand." ~ Angela Lambert

For history lovers:

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."-Bette Midler

Get the six pack you've always wanted without hitting the gym by throwing on this cool t-shirt.

Great quotes About Sex

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"Sex is just like hacking. You get in, you get out. And you pray you left nothing behind"

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."-Henry Miller

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin

"Having sex can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner"

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'" -Woody Allen

"In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact". Marlene Dietrich

Safe Sex Condom Spot

About unforgettable experiences:

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)

To Be In Love

A Funny Songs About Sex: AC DC Big Balls with lyrics

For smokers:

"The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette."

"If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.", Woody Allen

Life quotes:

"Life is like Tango... sad, sensual, sexy, violent and quiet."

A stupendous collection of quotes and funny sayings

Sight Test: Can you see the naked girl in the last line?

Can you see the naked girl in the last line?
Can you see the naked girl in the last line?

© 2008 Wendy Iturrizaga

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    • leotorres profile image

      leotorres 3 years ago

      nice work

    • partyjokes profile image

      partyjokes 4 years ago

      Great Hub, Princessa! Keep it up.

    • profile image

      Teesa 5 years ago

      Hi my name is teesa

    • profile image

      SATISH 5 years ago

      The best one for me......

      "women need a reason to have sex...but...men only needs a place!!"

      AND I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation

      NICE KEEP GOING ........IN

    • profile image

      imu 5 years ago

      nice quotes

    • profile image

      emile 5 years ago

      i enjoy reading all the quotes

    • profile image

      chris 5 years ago

      all the quotes are so cool

    • profile image

      amanda 5 years ago

      all the quotes were hilarious,,, love them all

    • profile image

      Amit soni 5 years ago

      Fantastic i like it wow

    • 4tune profile image

      4tune 5 years ago from Michigan

      I like this one: "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren.

      And wow so many times I thought wrong, lol!

    • profile image

      NIKHIL 5 years ago

      The best one for me......

      "women need a reason to have sex...but...men only needs a place!!"

    • profile image

      mtsi1098 5 years ago

      i just stumbleupon this and it is great...do you know what sex and video games have in common? they both have single player mode :)

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 6 years ago from France

      Hi ryankett, congratulations on your kindle book, it will be a pleasure to present it here.

    • profile image

      ryankett 6 years ago

      Hi Princessa, I have published a big Kindle book of sex quotes, you may want to add it to one of your Amazon capsules?

      http://www.amazon.com/Mammoth-Inspirational-Famous...

    • Mrs. J. B. profile image

      Mrs. J. B. 6 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks for making me laugh.

    • profile image

      Latin Women 6 years ago

      I love the Marilyn Monroe quote. She's awesome.

    • profile image

      Angie 6 years ago

      "Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins

      "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren

      I love these, both are so true.

    • profile image

      nareswari 6 years ago

      j'adore !!! lust, love, passion and sex !!

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 6 years ago from France

      Lester and shoni: Glad you liked this, like George Bernard Shaw said "I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation." :)

    • profile image

      shoni 6 years ago

      i love love these quotes. they are great! :)

    • profile image

      lester G 6 years ago

      guys more sexeh comments please...

    • profile image

      lester 6 years ago

      haha! uses all this here in my facebook like everybody likes it!

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 7 years ago from France

      samboiam:Talking about stinking funny... You know? thank God for the Inland Revenue. If it weren't for them, I'd be stinkin Rich!

    • samboiam profile image

      samboiam 7 years ago from Texas

      Too stinkin funny. I laughed a few times while reading this hub. I have linked it to my latest hub Let's Talk Sex. Good job, keep it coming.

    • profile image

      Pram 7 years ago

      Reallyyyy

      Like Itzzzz

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 7 years ago from France

      Thanks for your comments and quotes guys, you rock :)

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 8 years ago from North Carolina

      That quote for the objection was hilliarious!

      The wife was a sex object. Every time he asked for sex, she objects!

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Oh Princessa, I love these quotes and do have to say I was laughing hard as some of these are hysterical I am so glad that you wrote about this, thanks for the laughs. :)

    • Mr Nice profile image

      Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

      Hola princess!

      No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln

      Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

    • ahmadrad profile image

      ahmadrad 8 years ago from beavertron oregon

      This is a pretty amazing collection of quotes, from all across the board. I enjoyed it, thanks for posting.

    • barit profile image

      barit 8 years ago from Russia

      In our country not live without humor, it's a fact. Moreover, if you want to live with a woman. We say - a woman - this is the suitcase without a handle, hard to bear, and throw a pity ...

    • mattferry profile image

      mattferry 8 years ago from California

      had no idea robert deniro had a quote like that... And why can't the eye test start backwards? it should start with the no dress and then gets dressed on the tiny part. lol

    • profile image

      Derek H 8 years ago

      Gutted was trying to get in the rec books for the biggest pancake but had to give up we could'nt find a big enough tosser haha

    • compu-smart profile image

      compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

      lmao! I loved Wody Allens "If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast." soo funny!

    • Mezo profile image

      Motaz 8 years ago from Egypt

      That was so funny :)

      good quotes

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      real32586: beautiful? Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. (Ambrose Bierce)

    • profile image

      real32586 8 years ago

      call me blue_tiger32@hotmail.com u are really sooooooo beautiful.....

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      shipsuperstore: like Muhammad Ali said "When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble." LOL

    • shipsuperstore profile image

      Robert Winfrey 8 years ago from NC,USA

      Great Hub

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      MXMan: " Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men." (Joseph Conrad) ;-)

    • profile image

      MXMan 8 years ago

      Come on! What's not to get? "The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." Get a boy friend and ask or just think about it!

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Benson: "You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." (Mark Twain)

    • Benson Yeung profile image

      Benson Yeung 8 years ago from Hong Kong

      I couldn't see any girl with clothes on. Have I passed the eye sight test?

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      jennydasinga: Like Bernard Shaw said “My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world”

    • jennydasinga profile image

      jennydasinga 8 years ago

      Hi Princessa, I liked a number of quotes here, but the words in the picture below are the best I have read....keep the quotes and jokes coming...

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Ananta65: talking about direction... "Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles." (Roseanne Barr)

      Just Rodney: maybe she was thinking that she didn't fight her way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

      betherickson: thanks, I never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!

    • betherickson profile image

      betherickson 8 years ago from Minnesota

      :) I really had fun reading your hub. I love it. Thumb's up for you!

    • Just_Rodney profile image

      Rodney Fagan 8 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

      Too true Princessa I think you are right, all that rich Whitehouse food!

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      I yes, our sense of direction, our dowsing rod is located below the waist :)

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Reagu: "If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex". (Kate Beckinsale)... Thankfully, no one told me ;-)

      Ananta65: so maybe Mae west was right after all when she said: "When women go wrong, men go right after them" ;-)

      Karlyn: Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered - and I still do - which is more important.

    • Karlyn profile image

      Karlyn 8 years ago from www.voiceboks.com

      I love these quotes. Very very funny! Thanks!

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/7794

      For some reason I was thinking about you too, Princessa ;)

    • reagu profile image

      reagu 8 years ago from Los Angeles

      Truly enjoyable and funny.

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Ananta65: You see... I was thinking about you :)

    • profile image

      Ananta65 8 years ago

      A great hub, Princessa! And of course I was pleased to see two Dutch videos :)

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      funride: “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein

      Shadesbreath: I like your quote and if needed we can change "women" for "men" ;-)

      Just_Rodney: Talking about truisms, I couldn't resist quoting Monica Lewinsky: "I voted Republican this year; the Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth. "

    • Just_Rodney profile image

      Rodney Fagan 8 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

      Excellent, an sbsolute laugh. Barbara Bush's statement on Clinton is still my favourite truism.

    • funride profile image

      Ricardo Nunes 8 years ago from Portugal

      LOL again... in fact I haven´t really saw her but I did imagine her in my mind :D . And you know what they say "A good imagination it´s also critical!" :P

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Misha: at least you are in luck "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think." Big hug :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      LOL That's a nice one Wendy. :)

      Well, at least I can tell the women if I see one :P

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Ashwinspga: Thanks for the kiss and hug. “A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.” .

      Isabella: Nice to "see" you again. Here is another Robin Williams quote I like: “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”

      Misha: Did you hear the one about the man who went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

      Funride: Did you see the naked girl?

      Violet: That reminds me that "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"

      Fishskinfreak: glad to put a smile on your face :)

    • fishskinfreak2008 profile image

      fishskinfreak2008 8 years ago from Fremont CA

      Very interesting and funny

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      This was one of my favorite ones:

      "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"

      Entertaining hub!  

    • funride profile image

      Ricardo Nunes 8 years ago from Portugal

      Great hub Princessa, you made me laugh from top to bottom.

      Misha, uma boa visão é fundamental! (transl. - a good vision is critical!) :p

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      I can't see the naked girl. :(

      Even with my glasses. ;)

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 8 years ago

      I love those Robin Williams quotes! Great hub!

    • ASHWINSPGA profile image

      ASHWINSPGA 8 years ago from Lion City ( Singapore)

      I totally enjoyed every single bits and pieces of this hub Ms Princessa till i went up again and gave it another read. Just could not get enough of it. The quotes i mean... really!!! My favourite is "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

      and my fav video was the CSI Miami ad which was in the tube of the Funny and sexy paper video  among the other videos. Its 7.30am in Singapore and you totally brightened my morning. A big (((hug))) and a big :=@kiss for you. Thank you so much. Here is one from me.

      A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.:=)

    • Princessa profile image
      Author

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Christoph: thanks for the tip on Groucho, I'll update the author ASAP. Come back if you remember any other funny-sexy quote ;-)

      Dubai? Is that an "Indecent proposal"?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Yea! I love quotes! Very funny! Often, the ones that ring of truth are the funniest. Just a note, I love Groucho quotes. The one "I had a wonderful evening, this wasn't it," was Groucho Marx to a hostess upon leaving her party.

      "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

      Thanks for the great hub, Princessa. Should I move to Dubai?

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