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Funny Want Ads

Updated on August 8, 2013
Looking for a laugh? Try the want ads!
Looking for a laugh? Try the want ads! | Source

The Voice Of The People

For years, I have collected snippets from newspapers and fliers. Ads, birthday messages, police reports, personals, names, letters to editors, obituaries...anything that is weird, interesting, or funny.

If you want some insight into human nature and personality, you don't have to go much further than the nearest newspaper.

Some of these treasures are audacious (personals especially). Some serve to remind us as writers why we should be careful to avoid awkward sentences, typos and grammatical errors. The rest are just amusing.

These are real ads harvested from a variety of small, local newspapers over several years. I am omitting names, phone numbers, and addresses for the sake of privacy. The rest is all genuine. Even the bad spelling.

Help Wanted

  • Need someone skilled in self castration to help widow for two weeks on farm. Pay negotiable.

Help Wanted and Help Offered

Been flipping through the job ads lately in hopes of finding the perfect employment opportunity? Or maybe you want to hire an extra employee who isn't too picky.

Here are some ads that are sure to grab your attention:

  • Help Wanted--Companion needed for elderly gentleman with dementia who sometimes bites.
  • Wanted! Someone to fill temp position as bus driver. Must be old enough to drive.
  • Trustworthy young man needs easy job. Nothing gross like cleaning. Will mow yards if you have riding mower.
  • Car lot seeking motivated salesperson. Must be well groomed, friendly, and have salsa experience. (???)
  • Cashier needed. Show up and the job is yours.
  • Help Wanted: Expanded metal seeking honest, hard-working employees to work in local warehouse. High school diploma or equivalent required. Must pass physical and drug test. Must be able to lift and carry 750 pounds for fifty feet or more. Apply in person. (apply in person, because they want to see the person who can tote that load!)
  • Services Offered--I have no computer skills, no diploma, no social skills, and can't type. have no car at the moment. I can do anything else. I need job paying at least $15 p/hour

Lost

Missing since last week: child's stuffed bear. Last seen in yard. Brown with red bow, has a tag with a heart. Answers to name "Bebby". May or may not bite.

Lost and Found

When we lose something of value, or when we find something we don't want to keep, we turn to the lost and found section of the paper:

  • Found--gray kitten. Has long white whiskers. Doesn't like tuna. Is he yours?
  • Lost--Favorite baseball cap. Brown with John Deere logo. $50 reward.(Hang on...I will find one somewhere!)
  • Lost-Have you seen Pips? He is a tamed sparrow. Very gentle, escaped last night. (a sparrow! There are...millions!)
  • Found--Red and brown purse laying on McDonald's parking lot. No money or id inside. has broken strap, two zippers, lipstick, hairbrush, some other stuff. Think it belongs to some woman.
  • Found--very mean Chihuahua. Bites. Has red collar.
  • Missing--street sign from corner of Oak St. and Main.

Beware of dating someone who posts in the personal ads!
Beware of dating someone who posts in the personal ads! | Source

Looking For Love?

If you are lonely and desperate, the personals ads may be the right place for you. Here you will find everything. And I do mean everything. It isn't hard to see why many of these people are having to hunt so hard for their soul-mates.

Some lonely people place great priority on appearances:

  • 1. SM seeking career oriented woman, age 22-25. Must be smart, attractive, talented, independent, college education, and single. No felonies. (Doesn't ask for much, does he?)


  • 2. Shy, easy SWF looking for anyone. Looks not important. Must be fun, tall, blond, love books, blue eyes, and not bald. ( good thing she isn't into looks...)


  • 3. SF wants boyfriend who is tall and sexy. don't really like urban style. would go for cowboy or someone who looks like a country boy. Good grooming. no exes. don't like nerds.


There are plenty of moral people in the singles ads though:

  • 1. Christian woman wants a man to have fun with on weekends. I'm tall, athletic and have black hair. Looking for someone with similar interests including mudding, dancing, swinging, clubbing, and animals. No atheists, please.


  • 2. Christian widower needs company of older women. Must be fun and lonely. Interested in long term relationship. ( I hope that was a typo...surely he only needs ONE fun, lonely woman, right?)


  • 3. This is your big chance! great looking woman age 22 with blond hair wants someone who will snuggle only until marriage.

Other people are more concerned with health....I think:

  • 1. Interesting, smart, have unusual health condition. Not contagious. Need an understanding partner who doesn't judge on appearances.


  • 2. WWM seeking live-in nurse. Not a kinky thing. Need someone caring, patient, skilled. Must be willing to get married.


  • 3. Super-smart over-acheiver wants partner who likes golf and no STD's.

At least these people are forthright about their self-centeredness:

  • 1. Where is girl that likes to watch a buff guy work out and fix cars. Muscle, man needs a hot girl to spend time. I enjoy lifting waits, working on cars, and kick-boxing. Must be a quiet girl who likes watch me do stuff and not want to go out all the time.


  • 2. Wanted; woman who doesn't want forever. Just good times. No ugly women, no brunettes, no married women.


  • 3. Handsome straight man seeking woman (25-32) who is attractive, sensuous, and not jealous.


  • 4. Intelligent woman seeking man on same intellectual plane. Must have at least a masters degree and proof of IQ. Looking for man who supports the feminist ideal and believes in equality. Seeking man not afraid of taking over the domestic role.Must be willing to move from job/family to support my career and respect my privacy. (equality?)


  • 5. DW with four children seeking widower or man who needs a family. Must love animals. (loving children is totally optional.)

For Sale and Looking To Buy

De-cluttering is all the rage, and the newspaper is the place to list all of those unwanted items. Once you have sold the contents of the attic, you have all that spare cash in your pocket.

Might as well open up the classifieds and see if you there is anything for sale that you desperately need or want:

  • For Sale--Size 24 wedding dress. Worn once, blood stain on sleeve. $30 OBO. (I want to ask...)
  • Wanted: Free scrap metal
  • For Sale: Pet mouse tank, toys, wheel, and supplies. Everything you need to raise a mouse. Also, free to a good home, 2 year old male tabby cat, neutered. Excellent mouser.
  • 2002 Ford pick-up. Wrecked twice. Looks awful, runs good. Make offer.
  • For sale--Living room suite. Puke colored plush. Couch, loveseat, 2 chairs.
  • Want to buy breeding steers for starter farm. (are you sure you want steers?)
  • Sexed chicks for sale: Hens $2 ea. Cockles $1.35 ea. (what? no mussels?)
  • For Sale: FREE palm reading! Discounts for referrals!
  • Estate Sale: China hutch $150, Cherry dinette set $400, Brass bed $150, Rocking chair $50, Quilts $200 ea., creepy dolls $1 ea.

Charming rural home, needs TLC.
Charming rural home, needs TLC. | Source

Real Estate Ads That Pop

Nothing sells a houses faster than some purple prose and cleverly concealed lies:


  • (Picture showing small,rickety row house)--"For Sale: 1200 sq ft starter home on uniquely landscaped lot. Living room has four picture windows overlooking an impressive civic view of city expansion. 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, comfortable kitchen. Great home for couple with new baby.(beautiful way of saying the house overlooks some ugly construction)
  • Looking for a home with antique charm? Come and see this authentic Victorian dollhouse. Built in 1951, it is a masterpiece of grace and elegance.

Sometimes the numbers are what draws in the potential buyer:

  • Country Home For Sale--This 2000 sq ft sprawling, miniature mansion rests on 3 acres of land, surrounded by trees and mountain views. 1 1/2 bedrooms, 4 baths. Open floor plan designed for entertaining and family togetherness. (those 1 1/2 bedrooms help togetherness too.)


  • Single owner home for sale: 3500 sq ft living room, dining room, kitchen with pantry, 5 bedrooms 2 baths. 2 acres of land. (Wow! How big are the bedrooms?)

Honesty can work too:

  • FSBO--Small house. No closet space. Cold floors. All new appliances and wiring.


  • FSBO--1300 sq foot rural home. New roof, new plumbing, recent remodeling by professional. Sits on 1 acre. The land next door has oil wells that stink. $28,000, or trade outright for similar house in town.


Answering The Classifieds

Have you ever placed or answered a personals ad?

See results

Fliers For Local Events

As a supporter of small local charity runs and events, I am constantly reading and collecting fliers.

Here we have not only bad wording and other blunders, but a little intentional humor. Or at least I hope it was intentional:

  • Charity luncheon for family of "Jane Doe". Proceeds go toward heart transplant. Salad, sandwiches and soft drink for $15. Those who have donated their organs get a free meal. ( I hope they mean registered organ donors get to eat free?)
  • Local tattoo parlor--half-priced tattoo sale this weekend. Choose from thousands of designs. First few minutes of tattoo guaranteed not to hurt.
  • Local beauty salon--Get ready for summer! Special on waxing and perms for bikini line. (did I miss a new trend?)
  • Blood Drive at High School--Giving Life is easy! Donate just 11 pint of blood on February 19th and receive a free tee-shirt! (make it a nice shirt, so I can be buried in it, please? I think they mean 1 pint.)
  • Poker Run--Bikers! Join us May 16 for a 200 mile poker run and hamburger dinner. $1500 per rider, extra $5 for passenger. (damn inflation.)

Finding Humor In Everyday Life

Humor is a great way to relax and unwind. We easily get distracted by news, schedules, events and other subjects that can be stressful. When this happens, we forget to enjoy the little things.

Although you aren't going to find a big belly-laugh each time you open the newspaper, take the time to browse through sections you might not normally read. You might just find a smile to go along with your morning cup of coffee.

© 2013 Jayme Kinsey

Comments

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    • Thief12 profile image

      Thief12 

      4 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Hilarious! Made me laugh XD

    • Jordan Hake profile image

      Jordan Hake 

      5 years ago from Southwest Missouri, USA

      People are weird!

      Then again, stinky oil wells are a big plus. ;)

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      Thanks, nanderson! Sometimes you have to read for several weeks before you snag a good one. Or you can just go to craigslist if you want to instantly appalled! Glad you liked it!

    • nanderson500 profile image

      nanderson500 

      5 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Wow, these are hilarious! I need to start reading the personals! Great job.

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @Vellur--Thank you! So glad you liked it!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @CrisSp--I'm not sure! Maybe they meant "puce"? Or maybe they really meant puke...I was curious, but not THAT curious! Lol! Thanks for reading, and I am glad you had a good laugh!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @Imogen French--it is worth reading every word in the newspaper to find these gems, for sure. I'm not sure who makes the mistake, but the paper should edit better! Thanks for reading, and I am so glad you had a laugh!

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 

      5 years ago from Dubai

      Enjoyed! Great hub, Voted way up!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @ Nicole S--thanks! Glad you liked it!

      @janetwrites--thanks! It is amazing!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @mperrottet--So glad you enjoyed a good laugh! Thanks for reading! :)

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @jpmc--Salsa dancing car salesmen are so hard to find. I can only tapdance, so I suppose my dreams of being a pushy salesperson are over! Thanks for reading! Glad you enjoyed!

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 

      5 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Bwahahahh! So funny! I wonder what's a "puke colored plush"? Lol! These ads are crazy.

      Had a good laugh reading. Thanks.

    • Imogen French profile image

      Imogen French 

      5 years ago from Southwest England

      Some very funny snippets here, it's amazing what innocent blunders people make in adverts, isn't it. I was in need of a good laugh this evening, so thank you for this!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @barbat--Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed and had a good chuckle!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @mycookbook--Thank you for reading! I am really glad you enjoyed!

    • janetwrites profile image

      Janet Giessl 

      5 years ago from Georgia country

      This made me really laugh. It's unbelievable what people are advertising.

    • Nicole S profile image

      Nicole S Hanson 

      5 years ago from Minnesota

      Too funny!!! I love the collection you've gathered here!

    • mperrottet profile image

      Margaret Perrottet 

      5 years ago from San Antonio, FL

      Very funny - I needed a good laugh this morning. Voted up and funny.

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 

      5 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      Great collection! I love the salsa dancing car salesperson. They're looking for someone really talented. LOL

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @Theophanes--oh my! That's hilarious! A cockatiel for guns? Not a very even trade! Love how people try to sell items that really belong in a dumpster--even the best crafter can't repurpose some items!

      I just recently started browsing craigslist. Some of those are unbelievable! I can't wait to do a hub based on some of those!

    • barbat79 profile image

      B A Tobin 

      5 years ago from Connnecticut

      Truly Hilarious!!! Thank you so much!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @cantuhearmescream--Lol! personally I NEVER would buy a car from someone without salsa experience. Thanks for reading and I am glad you enjoyed!

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @Georgie Lowery--Oh wow! That is very creepy! I'm glad you kept your kitten though! When I was a teen we bought some goats for our farm one year, and the previous owner would drive 50 miles once a week to stand in the yard and sing to his "special" goat." There are definitely some weirdos in the world!

    • Theophanes profile image

      Theophanes Avery 

      5 years ago from New England

      Oh, how I love reading the classified ad trophies of other persistent lurkers. To think I could buy some creepy dolls if only I were employed taking care of an older biting gentleman. Hilarious.

      I love reading the classifieds. One of my favorites was, "Have cockatiel, will trade for guns." And another describing a plastic reindeer that'd been left to the elements for god knows how many years. Wish I still remember the wording to that one!

      Keep on browsing - and try some male Craigslist personals for Maine - they're wonderfully brain popping most of the time. Apparently having teeth is a big plus.

    • My Cook Book profile image

      Dil Vil 

      5 years ago from India

      Great hub, really a very good read!

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 

      5 years ago from New York

      Sharkye11,

      ... and we wonder what's wrong with the world today? Lol.

      Well, you know what they say, don't ever trust a Car Salesman... without Salsa experience.

      Voted up and funny

    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      GH Price 

      5 years ago from North Florida

      I'm glad pointing wasn't a typo. I imagined a guy standing there doing the dog thing with his nose and foot up!

      This is a great Hub, I think I laughed all the way through it.

      The oddest thing I've ever seen in a newspaper actually had to do with me.

      I'd gotten a kitten from a crazy lady, as in "everybody told me she was crazy" crazy. Right? About a week later, I started seeing "Georgie, please give me the kitten back" in the classifides. The next week, it was "Georgie, I will give you $100 for the kitten back." She eventually figured out what apartment complex I lived in and tacked a sign to one of the trees near the entrance. Yep. Definitely crazy! I kept the kitten. :)

    • Sharkye11 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jayme Kinsey 

      5 years ago from Oklahoma

      @aviannovice--oops! Okay, thought that was a typo. Will take that one out. I have plenty more to replace it! Glad you enjoyed!

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 

      5 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      Pointing has to do with brickwork regarding the handyman. The rest of the material was great!

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