Funny Want Ads

For years, I have collected snippets from newspapers and fliers. Ads, birthday messages, police reports, personals, names, letters to editors, obituaries...anything that is weird, interesting, or funny.

If you want some insight into human nature and personality, you don't have to go much further than the nearest newspaper.

Some of these treasures are audacious (personals especially). Some serve to remind us as writers why we should be careful to avoid awkward sentences, typos and grammatical errors. The rest are just amusing.

These are real ads harvested from a variety of small, local newspapers over several years. I am omitting names, phone numbers, and addresses for the sake of privacy. The rest is all genuine. Even the bad spelling.

• Need someone skilled in self castration to help widow for two weeks on farm. Pay negotiable.

Been flipping through the job ads lately in hopes of finding the perfect employment opportunity? Or maybe you want to hire an extra employee who isn't too picky.

Here are some ads that are sure to grab your attention:

• Help Wanted--Companion needed for elderly gentleman with dementia who sometimes bites.

• Wanted! Someone to fill temp position as bus driver. Must be old enough to drive.

• Trustworthy young man needs easy job. Nothing gross like cleaning. Will mow yards if you have riding mower.

• Car lot seeking motivated salesperson. Must be well groomed, friendly, and have salsa experience. (???)

• Cashier needed. Show up and the job is yours.

• Help Wanted: Expanded metal seeking honest, hard-working employees to work in local warehouse. High school diploma or equivalent required. Must pass physical and drug test. Must be able to lift and carry 750 pounds for fifty feet or more. Apply in person. (apply in person, because they want to see the person who can tote that load!)

• Services Offered--I have no computer skills, no diploma, no social skills, and can't type. have no car at the moment. I can do anything else. I need job paying at least $15 p/hour

Missing since last week: child's stuffed bear. Last seen in yard. Brown with red bow, has a tag with a heart. Answers to name "Bebby". May or may not bite.

When we lose something of value, or when we find something we don't want to keep, we turn to the lost and found section of the paper:

• Found--gray kitten. Has long white whiskers. Doesn't like tuna. Is he yours?

• Lost--Favorite baseball cap. Brown with John Deere logo. $50 reward.(Hang on...I will find one somewhere!)

• Lost-Have you seen Pips? He is a tamed sparrow. Very gentle, escaped last night. (a sparrow! There are...millions!)

• Found--Red and brown purse laying on McDonald's parking lot. No money or id inside. has broken strap, two zippers, lipstick, hairbrush, some other stuff. Think it belongs to some woman.

• Found--very mean Chihuahua. Bites. Has red collar.

• Missing--street sign from corner of Oak St. and Main.

If you are lonely and desperate, the personals ads may be the right place for you. Here you will find everything. And I do mean everything. It isn't hard to see why many of these people are having to hunt so hard for their soul-mates.

Some lonely people place great priority on appearances:

• 1. SM seeking career oriented woman, age 22-25. Must be smart, attractive, talented, independent, college education, and single. No felonies. (Doesn't ask for much, does he?)

• 2. Shy, easy SWF looking for anyone. Looks not important. Must be fun, tall, blond, love books, blue eyes, and not bald. ( good thing she isn't into looks...)

• 3. SF wants boyfriend who is tall and sexy. don't really like urban style. would go for cowboy or someone who looks like a country boy. Good grooming. no exes. don't like nerds.

There are plenty of moral people in the singles ads though:

• 1. Christian woman wants a man to have fun with on weekends. I'm tall, athletic and have black hair. Looking for someone with similar interests including mudding, dancing, swinging, clubbing, and animals. No atheists, please.

• 2. Christian widower needs company of older women. Must be fun and lonely. Interested in long term relationship. ( I hope that was a typo...surely he only needs ONE fun, lonely woman, right?)

• 3. This is your big chance! great looking woman age 22 with blond hair wants someone who will snuggle only until marriage.

Other people are more concerned with health....I think:

• 1. Interesting, smart, have unusual health condition. Not contagious. Need an understanding partner who doesn't judge on appearances.

• 2. WWM seeking live-in nurse. Not a kinky thing. Need someone caring, patient, skilled. Must be willing to get married.

• 3. Super-smart over-acheiver wants partner who likes golf and no STD's.

At least these people are forthright about their self-centeredness:

• 1. Where is girl that likes to watch a buff guy work out and fix cars. Muscle, man needs a hot girl to spend time. I enjoy lifting waits, working on cars, and kick-boxing. Must be a quiet girl who likes watch me do stuff and not want to go out all the time.

• 2. Wanted; woman who doesn't want forever. Just good times. No ugly women, no brunettes, no married women.

• 3. Handsome straight man seeking woman (25-32) who is attractive, sensuous, and not jealous.

• 4. Intelligent woman seeking man on same intellectual plane. Must have at least a masters degree and proof of IQ. Looking for man who supports the feminist ideal and believes in equality. Seeking man not afraid of taking over the domestic role.Must be willing to move from job/family to support my career and respect my privacy. (equality?)

• 5. DW with four children seeking widower or man who needs a family. Must love animals. (loving children is totally optional.)

De-cluttering is all the rage, and the newspaper is the place to list all of those unwanted items. Once you have sold the contents of the attic, you have all that spare cash in your pocket.

Might as well open up the classifieds and see if you there is anything for sale that you desperately need or want:

• For Sale--Size 24 wedding dress. Worn once, blood stain on sleeve. $30 OBO. (I want to ask...)

• Wanted: Free scrap metal

• For Sale: Pet mouse tank, toys, wheel, and supplies. Everything you need to raise a mouse. Also, free to a good home, 2 year old male tabby cat, neutered. Excellent mouser.

• 2002 Ford pick-up. Wrecked twice. Looks awful, runs good. Make offer.

• For sale--Living room suite. Puke colored plush. Couch, loveseat, 2 chairs.

• Want to buy breeding steers for starter farm. (are you sure you want steers?)

• Sexed chicks for sale: Hens $2 ea. Cockles $1.35 ea. (what? no mussels?)

• For Sale: FREE palm reading! Discounts for referrals!

• Estate Sale: China hutch $150, Cherry dinette set $400, Brass bed $150, Rocking chair $50, Quilts $200 ea., creepy dolls $1 ea.

Nothing sells a houses faster than some purple prose and cleverly concealed lies:

• (Picture showing small,rickety row house)--"For Sale: 1200 sq ft starter home on uniquely landscaped lot. Living room has four picture windows overlooking an impressive civic view of city expansion. 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, comfortable kitchen. Great home for couple with new baby.(beautiful way of saying the house overlooks some ugly construction)

• Looking for a home with antique charm? Come and see this authentic Victorian dollhouse. Built in 1951, it is a masterpiece of grace and elegance.

Sometimes the numbers are what draws in the potential buyer:

• Country Home For Sale--This 2000 sq ft sprawling, miniature mansion rests on 3 acres of land, surrounded by trees and mountain views. 1 1/2 bedrooms, 4 baths. Open floor plan designed for entertaining and family togetherness. (those 1 1/2 bedrooms help togetherness too.)

• Single owner home for sale: 3500 sq ft living room, dining room, kitchen with pantry, 5 bedrooms 2 baths. 2 acres of land. (Wow! How big are the bedrooms?)

Honesty can work too:

• FSBO--Small house. No closet space. Cold floors. All new appliances and wiring.

• FSBO--1300 sq foot rural home. New roof, new plumbing, recent remodeling by professional. Sits on 1 acre. The land next door has oil wells that stink. $28,000, or trade outright for similar house in town.

As a supporter of small local charity runs and events, I am constantly reading and collecting fliers.

Here we have not only bad wording and other blunders, but a little intentional humor. Or at least I hope it was intentional:

• Charity luncheon for family of "Jane Doe". Proceeds go toward heart transplant. Salad, sandwiches and soft drink for $15. Those who have donated their organs get a free meal. ( I hope they mean registered organ donors get to eat free?)

• Local tattoo parlor--half-priced tattoo sale this weekend. Choose from thousands of designs. First few minutes of tattoo guaranteed not to hurt.

• Local beauty salon--Get ready for summer! Special on waxing and perms for bikini line. (did I miss a new trend?)

• Blood Drive at High School--Giving Life is easy! Donate just 11 pint of blood on February 19th and receive a free tee-shirt! (make it a nice shirt, so I can be buried in it, please? I think they mean 1 pint.)

• Poker Run--Bikers! Join us May 16 for a 200 mile poker run and hamburger dinner. $1500 per rider, extra $5 for passenger. (damn inflation.)

Humor is a great way to relax and unwind. We easily get distracted by news, schedules, events and other subjects that can be stressful. When this happens, we forget to enjoy the little things.

Although you aren't going to find a big belly-laugh each time you open the newspaper, take the time to browse through sections you might not normally read. You might just find a smile to go along with your morning cup of coffee.