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Genuine Hilarious / Funny Questions from Tourists Going to Australia.

Updated on August 17, 2014

This hub features genuine questions asked by potential tourists going to visit Australia, and the hilarious answers they received from the Australian Tourism website, where the officials obviously have a great sense of humour.

I take no credit for this work, as it is already available on the Internet, but for those of you who haven't read these before it is worth duplicating for the laughter content.

Apparently these were first published in 'Toxic Custard' so credit goes to them.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA).

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British Politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden).

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA).

A: Face South and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

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Q: Will I be able to see Kangaroos in the street? (USA).

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden).

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK).

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France).

A: No, WE don't stink.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France).

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA).

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA).

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy).

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA).

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA.

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA).

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA).

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Comments

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  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thanks Mara, this cracked me up laughing when I first ever got the info, which is one of the reasons I shared it here:D

  • profile image

    Mara 6 years ago

    LOVE. I'm Australian and these made me giggle. It reminded me of this story I heard on the radio. This man was walking around Circular Quay and overheard two Americans talking about people climbing the Harbour Bridge. One told the other - in all seriousness - that these people are convicts, being made to paint the bridge as punishment. LOL. Also 'mos def not a kangaroo', I think you mean 'quite' not 'quiet'.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    They certainly have an excellent sense of humour Chouji-Von-Lycan :)

  • Chouji-Von-Lycan profile image

    Chouji-Von-Lycan 7 years ago

    This has got to be the best Hub I've read so far, if i move to Australia now it's because i now know that they have a sense of humour :)

  • profile image

    mos def not a kangaroo 8 years ago

    ummm guys u do realise that a lot of australians can be quiet thick as well dont u>

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    LOL, I just loved your answer "No my first language is Saturnese, and my kangaroo is in jail for beating up an American hillbilly."

    Thanks :)

  • Suiiki profile image

    Suiiki 8 years ago from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead

    *Raises hand* I was born in Australia, but raised in the US. In college I was still getting asked if English was my first language, and do I have a kangaroo as a pet? My answer was usually "No my first language is Saturnese, and my kangaroo is in jail for beating up an American hillbilly."

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    There are some crazy people out there for sure :)

  • countrywomen profile image

    countrywomen 9 years ago from Washington, USA

    I just remembered that incident when I read that hippo joke here and felt how ignorant some people can be about other places (we were travelling to Mount Rushmore on the way in Sioux city restaurent was asked this question)...hehe

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thanks countrywomen, so glad you enjoyed them as much as I did. The hippo racing one was already in the list, but thanks for posting it anyway. Love the idea of you being asked if girls marry snakes in India, I cannot people are so ignorant :)

  • countrywomen profile image

    countrywomen 9 years ago from Washington, USA

    Cindy- You have compiled awesome jokes. This really reminded me of a similar joke

    "Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA).

    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked."

    I once had an old lady ask me do girls marry snakes in India?

    Yes they do. I told her all the thin slimmy heroines you see in Bollywood are the offsprings (ofcourse I am little on the generously endowed side hence an exception)...LOL

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Misha, errrrmmmm... I am glad I can entertain you even in the middle of the night, but what about the hub?? LOL

    Mighty Mom, It's not just the Americans though, many of the UK ones were just as bad.

    Rodney, You mean you don't have lions and tigers?? LOL

    Tottie, I just love the Aussie sense of humour, always have done. Didn't know about the advert, but I would love to see it if you can find it on Youtube and post a link here :)

  • Tottie profile image

    Tottie 9 years ago from Australia , or China, or South Korea.

    I love them. As an Aussie I get a real kick out of the sense of humour in the answers. For those that do not know - the drop bears feature in a television advertisement in Oz and it is pretty hilarious.

  • Just_Rodney profile image

    Rodney Fagan 9 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

    Don't worry, in South Africa, we are still asked if there are lions and TIGERS? walking around in the streets. By the way, the drop bear is way to hysterical, I have tears in my eyes.

  • Mighty Mom profile image

    Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

    Is it true that water goes down the drain backward in Australia? LOL. Fun, light and I'm with starkissed. Ashamed to be an Amur-i-cun.

  • Misha profile image

    Misha 9 years ago from DC Area

    ROFLMAO! You keep entertating me in the middle of the night, thank you! :)

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    LOL starrkissed, I am certain you have a lot more brains than the people who asked these questions, and not all of them were American :)

  • starrkissed profile image

    starrkissed 9 years ago from Arizona

    wow... seriously, some people just need their hands held no matter what they do, don't they? lol

    talk about some common sense questions.. i'm ashamed to be an american. o.o

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thanks Patty and Rochelle for commenting. It is scary to think there are such numb nuts loose unsupervised in the wrold :)

  • Rochelle Frank profile image

    Rochelle Frank 9 years ago from California Gold Country

    Beautiful!

    Australia (or is it Austria?) is so misunderstood-- and obviously they don't need anymore bewildered tourists.

  • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

    Patty Inglish 9 years ago from USA. Member of Asgardia, the first space nation, since October 2016

    These are delightfully brainless. Some people get all disorented when thinking about another country and lose their senses...

    By the way, is it dark during the day and bright at night in Australia? :) LOL

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