George Clooney: A Tale of Bromance
This is Just A What if??
Ok, I don’t really know George Clooney (even though when I sit close enough to the T.V. we make intense eye contact) but I feel that if I did ever run into King George I can personally predict the very few ways our relationship would turn out. I can tell you guys right now that It would be the grandest bromance ever and in about 75 years they would remake "A Princess Bride", but instead of Princess Buttercup and Wesley it would be my main man George and I in the title roles. The other way it could turn out is probably the way it would turn out. We would meet, he would be polite and then I would stalk him. He would put a huge restraining order on my head and I would still find a way to sneak into his home and rearrange his sock drawer, and look for forgotten leg hairs. So, I am not so proud of the latter version of this sweet chance encounter, so lets start with the first one.
We could have awesome shenanigans!
The Optimistic Outcome
Ok, I would be doing something manly like chopping wood or building something with materials with a high sliver rate. I would decide that my thirst is parched, so I would go to a nice upscale cigar bar. I would walk in have the waitress get my drink and I would stroll into the humidor and grab a Davidoff. I would then exit said humidor and see that the waitress placed my beverage in front of a nice overstuffed leather chair. I would sit down on my temporary thrown and light up my stogie. I notice someone has sat down in the chair next to mine, I pay this gentleman no mind as I mind my own business, until he leans over and says, “that’s a nice looking stick you have there” I look over and who else is it than George Clooney. “It is a Davidoff”, I reply casually. We begin speaking of great things and before we know it it is closing time. We exit the bar and as we mount our sweet motorcycles George pulls out his mobile phone and asks for my number. I give it to him in a nonchalant way, but inside I feel the wave of emotion that only a new bromance can emit. We ride our hogs off in different directions I look up at the stars and give thanks to the powers that be.
All I can think about is all the cool things Clooney and I can do. We can give each other manly nicknames, we can play croquet, and we can hunt gazelle with our bare teeth! It is a few days before he calls. When he does, of course I am doing something manly like building a tank or gnawing through a piece of mammoth bone. He asks if I want to go hunt dinner with him, so of course I agree. We meet and begin our hunt it is not long before we spot a couple of deer, we leap into action and take them down with nothing but our hands and then we feast while sitting around the fire exchanging awesome stories of our manliness. We lock eyes and we both know we are going to be life long bros and have many awesome shenanigans.
This is the Song That Would be in my Mind When Thinking About Clooney
Maybe I could catch him like this...
The Likely Outcome
It would be the perfect day, the sun is shining, the sky is a wonderful sky blue and a few tuff of clouds hang gently in the sky. Our casual run in would happen in Tokyo. I would be on leave from my ninja training and I would be at that awesome thai food resturant you know the one... You know what this is turning unrealistic very fast. Let us start again.
It would be the perfect day, the sun is shining, the sky is a wonderful sky blue and a few tuff of clouds hang gently in the sky. I would be at a Starbucks getting a cup of coffee (if they still serve just coffee) and as I pay the nice lady behind the counter I grab my beverage turn towards the exit, at that moment he strolls into the coffee mecca. The world suddenly slows to about a quarter its normal rotation and everything begins to levitate including my heart, stomach, intestines, and ok, I am walking on air. I hear Berry White playing just loud enough to set the mood. It is perfect, until I hear a little girl screaming at the top of her lungs! I think to my self who is this dumb twelve year old girl? When suddenly I realize those are my pipes singing praises to the heavens! “GEORGE CLOOOOONEY!!!!” I shriek with glee. I continue down this terrible road, but I cannot stop myself. “We have so much in common! You were a doctor on T.V.! I go to the doctor and watch T.V.” I cannot stem this terrible tide of junk flowing from my face, as the dam has burst.
George is as usual, cool, calm, and awesome. He even manages to stay calm as I sniff and rub my face on his soft jacket as he kindly tells me thanks and he appreciates all of his fans. He then does something terrible, he purchases his drink and turns to leave, even though I dig in my heals and grab his coat and begin to sob like a child he manages to break away. Thunder clouds roll in off of the horizon and lightning strikes as George Clooney walks out of my now ant like life, forever. Well, until I stalk him and try to convince him of all the cool things we could do together as bros. Things like brunch and shopping a Pier 1 Imports, but he won’t have it. He turns from suave, cool Clooney to suave, cool Clooney with the powers of Zeus and he looks into my soul, as he breaks out that wry Clooney grin and tells me to get lost. I cry and beg him, I tell him this to is a phase that will soon pass, just like when he bought a small mocha vanilla chi tea robust coffee venti latte instead of a low fat small mocha vanilla chi tea robust coffe venti that day we met.
Needless to say I am doing 25 to life, I guess after the sock drawer incident... and the time that I bricked myself into his wall... and the time that I tunneled into his pool and tried to spy on him from below the water line was just too much for the man. So now every day my soccer ball I named George and I get fifteen minutes of T.V. time to watch my hero and ponder the possibilities of the bromance that could have been.
This could be our theme song!
Whichever would happen upon my meeting Mr. George Clooney, whether I would be smuggling smokes into cell block 7C or if we became BFF's, I think meeting this suave godlike fellow would make anyone feel that the tide of fortune had just turned in their favor. If you ever do run into this handsome fellow give me a ring. Until then try to enjoy your meaningless, uneventful life with no George Clooney like the rest of us...
- George Clooney Facts via Fan Letter
My fan letter to George Clooney. He is truly a gift that keeps on giving. No matter what project he gets involved in he gives his all...