Green Lantern - Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review
(waits for hacky and overused reply of “HI DOCTOR NICK!!!”)
……Anyway, welcome back to the SAD Movie review! Where each week I watch a bad movie and review it, so you don’t have to. You might think that’s the last of the overused catchphrases, right? BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! …. Sorry.
I didn’t get a chance to see Green Lantern over the summer, but I heard some reviews since then. I had heard anywhere from halfway decent, to completely disappointing. So, I decided to wait, and rent it on Amazon Instant Watch. This is the first movie that I have actually paid for, not just watched on Netflix. Will that change my judgement on this movie? Probably.
What Is This Movie About?
Green Lantern is the story of Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds), and how he became the protector of Sector 2814. He has to juggle his job as a test pilot, his ex-girlfriend / boss Carol (lifelike mannequin of Blake Lively), and AN ALIEN FORCE THAT WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING HE EVER LOVED. And a dude with a big head.
Honestly, how much setup do you need? This section could just say "SPACE-COP!" and you would say "Oh, okay, I am totally caught up with this movie's plot. Thanks Owen." You're welcome, good sir or madame (but let's face it: It's mostly madame's)
Oh God, Why?
§ In the scene where Carol and Hal are going up against the other two fighter pilots in a dogfight, Hal flies so low to the desert floor that sand blows up. There was an ALIEN talking to a HOLOGRAM of ANOTHER ALIEN in the previous scene, but at this I said “That would NEVER happen!”
§ Hal’s call-sign is Highball, which is right, but he calls Carol Sapphire. I can’t find what her call-sign used to be in the comic, but this has obviously been changed, because she is now in charge of the Star Sapphire’s (Violet Lanterns) in the comics. Oh, by the way, I will be nitpicking things like that through the ENTIRE movie. Fair warning.
§ So he stalls his plane, and crashes it, to win the simulated dogfight. Seems reasonable. While he is being reprimanded, they do the whole “You’re fired. No I quit first” thing, then Carol says “No you’re not. You’re GROUNDED, pending an investigation!” I know she meant he’s not allowed to fly, but she’s so whiny and terrible, it sounds like he’s eight, and he is being sent to her room.
§ In case you didn’t get it, Blake Lively is terrible.
§ So instead of Hal finding Abin Sur, and getting the ring passed in to him, Abin sends a green sphere to ABDUCT Hal, and bring him to Abin. Oh, and the sphere drops him in a big mud puddle. ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS!?!?!
§ Why is it when someone says their name to someone, it’s always like “It’s Hal. Hal Jordan” ? Bond does it correctly with the last, first last, format. And NO ONE ELSE should do it.
§ Hector Hammond is abducted form his home, and is brought to a compound where Amanda Waller is waiting for him! If you don’t know what that means, then you’re probably.... cool.
§ When Hector is examining Abin’s body, something (presumably a piece of Parallax) jumps into his finger. Thaaaaat can’t be good...
§ So Abin told him to hold the ring up to the lantern, then recite the oath. Then he dies, without telling him the oath. So this is what Hal tries.
§ “I, Hal Jordan, do solemnly swear to pledge allegiance. To a lantern. That I got from a dying purple alien.”
§ “To Infinity And Beyond”
§ “By the power of Greyskull WHAT THE HELL!!”
§ He gets zapped, and magically knows The Oath. Alright, IguessI can buy that.
§ Hal apologizes to Carol, and she says “Whoa, really? What, were you replaced by an alien or something?”, which causes Hal to look at her in terror. ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS!?!?!
§ He asks Carol to dance, and she says no like six times. It cuts to them dancing. Which is believable. I know I wouldn’t be able to say no to Ryan Reynolds....
§ Sorry, lost my train of thought.
§ A couple of ex Ferris Air employees jump him in the parking lot. He grabs a bunch of bolts from a container, to throw at them, I guess? When he throws them, a GIANT GREEN FIST HITS ALL THREE OF THEM, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY! Alright, maybe not, but one gets thrown through a BRICK WALL. He’s gotta be dead, right?
§ Hal gets taken to Oa (Green Lantern HQ), and we finally see him in costume. It’s probably the worst costume I have ever seen. WAY worse than nipple suit Batman.
§ Bzzd is on Oa! Awesome! Again, don’t worry about it.
§ Alright, I have to say, the combat training scene with Kilowog was pretty entertaining. It was really well done and funny.... until Hal kicks him in the Spaceballs (tm). Way to go guys, you ruined a perfectly good scene.
§ Sinestro starts fighting Hal now, and when Hal constructs a minigun, Sinestro constructs a shield. More specifically, CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SHIELD. It was green, and didn’t have the star, but it totally was.
§ So The Guardians first tried to harness the power of fear instead of willpower. They realized it was a bad idea, except for one, who went to the Lost Sector, and tried to harness it himself. He became Parallax. That..... is so wrong..... I can’t even.... ugh.
§ OH GOD. Hector Hammond just went up to Carol at this party and smelled her hair, SO CREEPILY. Man that was bad.
§ To disguise his voice, he pulls a Christian Bale, and has a really deep voice. Man, that was bad, too.
§ Carol sees through his dumb domino mask in FIFTEEN SECONDS! Which would totally happen! So there’s one thing they got right...
§ “I’ve known you my whole life, you don’t think I wouldn’t notice you because I can’t see your cheekbones!?!” Yes, Carol Ferris, yes. You are totally right.
§ Alright, so maybe Blake Lively isn’t COMPLETELY terrible...
§ He keeps the suit on when they’re all alone, talking, which seems weird. Do you think he would keep the suit on if they............
§ Sorry, lost my train of thought.
§ Hector Hammond says “I’ve never felt better in my life.” with what looks like a second head growing out of his forehead...
§ Hal saves a falling Amanda Waller by making construct water for her to fall into. But... how can that.... it doesn’t even.....WHAT!?!
§ Hector touches Hal, and knows his memories. Which brings the people that know Hal’s identity to three (the third we all saw in that preview, where he shows the suit off). Less people know who Iron Man is. And he said it on National television...
§ PARALLAX KILLED HECTOR HAMMOND!! Wait, really? That would be like the Green Goblin helping kill Venom.... wait.
§ Hal takes the fight with Parallax in space, where he throws a satellite at it. Why? You can make ANYTHING with the ring, and you destroy government property to fight? You suck, Hal.
§ When the Green Lanterns are in space, they are supposed to have this thin green glow around them, that acts like a bubble, so they can breathe. In this, Hal does not have that. Hal should be dead. The fact that he’s alive is COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE.
§ HAL JORDAN PUNCHES PARALLAX INTO THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
§ Then the movie....ends? Well, I guess that’s true, not a lot has to happen after the villain gets PUNCHED INTO THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
§ Wait, the after credits scene shows Sinestro. Putting on the yellow ring. And changing into the Sinestro Corps uniform. Ooooooooohhh man, that’s sweeet.
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
Hector Hammonds telekinetic powers are just starting to develop during the Ferris Air party. He can hear what everybody thinks about him, except for Carol, who he apparently chooses to ignore as he BLATANTLY SMELLS HER HAIR. Like the kind of sniff where you can hear the inhale… He drunkenly tells Carol that he was called in to do an alien autopsy, when his senator father (Tim Robbins) interrupts, to keep the secret. Hector is not happy. Tim Robbins leaves the party from a helicopter that’s sitting JUST TO THE LEFT of the party for some reason, and when he takes off, Hector makes a beer tap from the bar blow off, and into the rotor of the helicopter, causing it to spin out of control.
Hal sees this, and knows that he has to help. So he leaves and goes somewhere that no one will see him, change into his Green Lantern costume with that stupid domino mask, and comes back to help. All the while, the helicopter is STILL FALLING, AND SKITTERING ON THE GROUND! It is headed straight towards Carol, and she is brutally decapitated. Sorry, that’s what I was hoping for. Hal puts her in this amorphous blob of green light, before stuff falls on her. He then creates a construct that is SO STUPID, I can’t even….. just…. Picture lookage.
So. Instead of making a cushion for the helicopter to land on, or a pool of water (WHICH HE USES LATER, by the way), he creates a CARAROUNDTHE HELICOPTER! Then it STARTS DRIVING! I know that all these capital letters are ANNOYING, but that’s how RIDICULOUS this is. He then creates a RA- sorry, I’ll stop. He creates a racetrack (like Hot Wheels), and loops it around the crowd, and up out of the way. Hal’s attention slips for some reason, and the track disappears. But not the car. Or the amorphous Carol blob (I would totally watch that movie, Amorphous Carol Blob). He catches it JUST in time, and then he brings it to a stop.
WHY COULDN’T HE DO THAT TO START WITH!?!
He then looks around awkwardly,doesn’t say anything,and flies away.
It's Not All Bad...
Mark Strong is fantastic in this movie. Even though his character is completely CG, he plays a fantastic Sinestro. The entire performance is perfect, except for the completely unwarranted switcheroo at the end of the movie. Blake Lively wasn’ttoobad in all; especially the scene where she saw right through the stupid mask (GOD it was so bad!).
Also, most of the CGI was pretty good. From all the aliens, to the constructs, almost everything looked pretty good. Except for the suit. Why can’t I get over it?
We have had some fantastic comic book movies in the past 5 years, and this had the potential to be among them. However, there was a lot happening in this movie, way too much to get a great, concise movie out of. Do you remember the scene with his family? Yeah, me either, because it was a minute and a half.
After this summer with Thor, Captain America, and X-Men First Class, Green Lantern pales in comparison. Which is ironic, since it is so aggressively glowy-green. It's not terrible, but it's also not great. The sequel was green-lit (HA! GREEN-lit? Man I'm funny!) fairly quickly after the movie opened, and I am excited to see what they do with that.
The character that I want to see more of in the sequel? Ryan Reynold's Abs....
Three Head-Sized Protrusions out of Five
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