Guest Blog by President Rodney, Our First Zombie President
Hi, how ya doin'? It's me, your president.
Your brain is safe with me
My fellow Americans: I come before you tonight to address the latest in a long, long line of scandals to plague my administration.
But first, I want to thank you all once again for electing me. I know we have all had a rough time, what with the zombie apocalypse and all, and humans having to hide in their basements for 6 months, in many cases eating dirt and weeds. And then of course, there were those minor skirmishes between humans and zombies, resulting in massive casualties and what looked like possible extinction of the human race, followed by the human race rallying and tricking us into zombie internment camps, where many of us were placed in giant hamster wheels, where we were forced to run all day every day in an effort to generate electricity. But I believe that as a country we have emerged stronger for this.
I know there are some that say I was only elected as some sort of an odd trade-off, because of human guilt over the way we zombies were treated—however, I am OK with this.
Anyway, let's talk scandal, shall we? To begin with, there have been some allegations about brain eating in the White House. Now I know that when I was running for president I made a promise not to eat your brains. And, I would argue, that if you are listening to this and using your cognitive abilities to process what I am saying, then I have kept my promise—I have, in fact, not eaten your brains. Yes, I may have snacked on some White-House-tourist-brains, on some random-homeless-guy brains, maybe even on Secret-Service-guard brains. But I have not eaten your brains—an important distinction that my critics seem to ignore, and a fulfillment of my campaign promise.
There has been some talk of impeachment. However, after a close, two-to-three minute perusal of the Constitution, my zombie lawyers and I can find nothing in there that prohibits the eating of brains. Therefore, I reject this talk of impeachment, and warn my critics that my insatiable taste for brains might extend to Congress one of these days. Ha! I am kidding…I really, really am. As president I can assure you that I will not be waiting in the deep dark depths of the Congressional coat closet, waiting to pounce on anyone who has criticized me, especially not the distinguished gentleman from North Dakota, who can safely go in there to hang up his coat on Monday morning.
In conclusion, thank you for your concern, and I love all of this attention, but you can rest assured that your brain is safe with me, Rodney, the First Zombie President.