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Harper's Island ep 3

Updated on October 1, 2014
Hunter from Harpers Island
Hunter from Harpers Island | Source

Creepy Eyes

Kelly on Harpers Island
Kelly on Harpers Island | Source
 

The opening scene with Abby floating in the pool made me wonder aloud, "does she have fake tee-tahs?" Oddly, that was the only time they looked enhanced. That's a mystery within a mystery!

Richard the Ginger Man was brought to the forefront this episode. He works for Thomas Wellington, he's the father of the demon child, and has a penchant for rough bedroom antics (involving belts-the weapon in Kelly's death). He also taunted Henry about having what it takes to be a Wellington-the dumbest scene in Harper's Island history. (Does he realize the men don't change their last names when they get married?) Anyway, so they're setting him up as a suspect. Maybe he's a hit man hired by Thomas Wellington. Did he set up the gun that killed Hunter? I'm going to guess not. I think the killer is still hiding in the background, or is right in our faces--Henry.

Ok, so they think that Kelly killed herself. What do the crazy red eyes mean? We tried to use our best medical knowledge (from ER and Grey's Anatomy) to figure it out. We drank to the needle in the eyeball, even though it didn't exactly fit into a rule. It just felt right. Kelly killed herself the same way John Wakefield killed all those other people, which I would have never picked up on if they hadn't pointed it out. Necks again! This show is seriously making me dumber. Kelly's tattoo was the creepiest thing in this episode. Congrats, dead lady!

Speaking of unnerving, the conversation between Henry and the Bride (I still don't care to learn her name) about who she would choose between him and her father was gross. Is she Jessica Simpson or something? On a semi-related topic, there is great debate among my viewer friends who the Bride looks like. I say Jessica Biel (when she turns her head at certain angles) and my associates say Megan Fox. Thoughts?

The quest to set up JD continues. He responded to news of Kelly's death with "weird." You know he cried himself to sleep that night. He's not as tough as he looks-and he looks like a poser. Do the math.

If they kill off Zack Morris, does that make Charlie (Cal) a suspect? Is he smart enough to step in a trap he set in order to look innocent? Sneaky Brits!

Was Henry in Hunter's closet an homage to Halloween? Henry isn't as sweet and innocent as he looks with his big Will Smith ears!

There are a lot of mysterious notes in this episode, so we added to the drinking game. We also added underwear, since that's also a favorite. Two more staples of cheesy soap operas.

The scene that made it seem like Abby or the Bride was about to be killed was ridiculous. It's way too early to off either of them. Instead, Abby discovers JD tied up in Shane's garage and plays hostage negotiator. Meanwhile, the Bride decides to stick with Henry after she is blinded by her blingtastic ring while reaching for Hunter's bedroom door. What kind of job does Henry have? I thought he was supposed to be poor, but that ring says otherwise. Did she pull a Britney Spears and buy it herself? After she dies, I'll marry him if he gets me a nice shiny rock like that. Yes, I realize he's a fictional character. He's also a murder suspect. I never said I had high standards!

Is the speech by Shane supposed to clear him as a suspect? He hit JD with his truck, tied him up, and waved a knife around in his face. If he was the killer, JD wouldn't have lived that long. This murderer is swift with his victims. I still say Shane's personal doomsday is approaching.

There's another power struggle brewing that is setting up two possible suspects: Thomas and Henry. If one of them dies, the other becomes a suspect. Hunter's death is supposed to point us in Thomas's direction, but Henry also has a motive there. On the topic of Hunter's demise, where did he get that boat? Did he rent it from the hotel? That part went over my head, but maybe I was a few beers deep by that point...

Someone put ink in Kelly's eyes, which is just odd (yes, that's all the analysis I'm doing on that one). Tyna thinks the handwriting was the same as the second mystery note. The middle lines of the "M" cross. Tyna's just like Mariska Hargitay on SVU, dontcha think? Now, where was her little boyfriend Hot Fisherman this episode?

I didn't change my suspects this week because I'm still convinced these people are secretly shady. Shane and Zack Morris are also asking for their eyes to be colored in with a red sharpie.

Suspects

Henry (the groom)

The Bride

The guy with the Seth Rogen glasses

Jimmy (Hot Fisherman)

People to Die

Shane

Zack Morris

Casualties

Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister

Kelly

Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5

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