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Harper's Island ep 4

Updated on October 1, 2014

Never trust a Ginger!

Harpers Island
Harpers Island | Source
 

Poor Harper's Island. It has been sent to Saturday night to die. Hopefully it will last long enough for us to find out that the Seth Rogen dude is the killer--I'll get to that. It's intriguing that the deliciously horrible show, Passions, lasted almost 10 years while Harper's Island might not even make it an entire season. Sigh. It's all about how desperate your network is, I suppose.

Last week, Henry was my numero uno suspect. Don't worry; he's still on my short list. Obviously, he won't die until the end, so I consider him a perma-suspect. At least until he has been decapitated and gutted. Meanwhile, Seth Rogen has vaulted his way to the top of my list for a few reasons. First of all, he over-reacted to every little cheap scare. Nobody is that big of a weenie, not even geeks on a nighttime mystery soap opera.

Second of all, his death was crazy suspicious. Even Chops (who is probably going to die soon too) was confused by how much blood was coming out of Seth's leg. My genius colleagues claimed there is an artery in the thigh that he must have hit. I'm betting that the Harper's Island writers aren't exactly anatomy prodigies, so I've ruled that out. I think Seth faked his death and won't resurface for many weeks. Just as we forget about him, BOOM he'll jump out with a huge knife and deliver some overly-dramatic speech about how he was picked on as a kid.

On a final note, Seth and Henry were the only two who wanted to report finding the dead body on the boat. In almost all movies with such scenarios, the good guys end up being the biggest psychos. The only thing I can't pin-point now is Seth's motive. Maybe he and the Bride had a sweaty one-night stand three years ago, but she rejected him for not having perfect vision? Or maybe he's Thomas Wellington's bastard child who is angry he never received his half of the trust fund. What if the Bride and Henry are secretly brother and sister and Thomas Wellington hired Seth to stop the wedding so he doesn't end up with three-eyed grandchildren? This show is part soap, after all.

Now, let's discuss this crazy nose-bleeding psychic. She's obviously marked for death, since she's not a real character and no one would notice if she disappeared. However, if we are to believe she is actually psychic then the killer is a man. She kept repeating "he won't stop until you're dead" to Abby. We all know it's not Wakefield, so her nonsensical babble supports my current theories.

On other cliché fronts, the Bride receives her mother's tea set which is mysteriously destroyed. They suspect the Demon Child, but she proclaims her innocence. I'm sure her imaginary friend (you know, the one who's been telling her about all the deaths that everyone else seems to be ignoring) did it. Yawn. I don't want to be insensitive, but could that kid maybe fall into a well or something?

There were a lot of lame-ass cheap scares on the bachelor party boat ride (not to mention a boat-full of clichés!). The discovery of a body alongside a large amount of cash and the obligatory cop-calling dilemma has been done at least a million times before. For a better version of this, check out the movie Very Bad Things with Christian Slater. Classic. The only thing I gained from this scenario was that whoever set up the gun trap that killed Hunter must have been some kind of physics/geometry genius-or gotten really lucky. How else would his face have been shot off from such a weird angle?

Harpers Island
Harpers Island | Source

Later, the Ginger dude was caught doing naughty things with his step-mother-in-law. That's a lot of hyphens. The question remains, was it a coincidence that he was passing by the pool as the Bride became trapped under its tarp? Or was he attempting to drown her, but realized he was about to get caught so he pulled her out to look like her savior? This guy could end up as the hero of the entire show (sorry, Abby!) or dead within the next 3 episodes. I'm just hypothesizing out loud.

Speaking of pure insanity, why was the Bride wandering around by herself when she's wasted? The bridal party's job is to make sure she gets home safely after feeding her girlie drinks while some sweaty stripper rubs junk all over her. If she would have drowned, it would have been the dumb bridesmaids' fault, not the killer's. The thing that really irked me is that she's having her bachelorette party, but still hasn't noticed that one of her bridesmaids-Idiot Blonde with Little Dog-is missing. Their obliviousness is starting to agitate me.

On a last indulgent side note, the stripper was awful. Of course Henry knew her from childhood-that's actually pretty commonplace in my hometown. That's no reason to put her in an outfit that made no sense and give her terrible dialogue. To top it all off, she smacked her own butt which was just embarrassing. Oh Harper's Island, why can't I quit you?

Suspects

Henry (the groom)

The guy with the Seth Rogen glasses

People to Die

Zack Morris

Chops

Casualties

Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister

Kelly

Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Seth Rogen (or so they want us to think!)

Beer
Beer | Source
 

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5

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