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Harper's Island ep 5

Updated on October 1, 2014

Don't Judge Me Just Because I Don't Have A Face

Cole Harkin
Cole Harkin | Source

I have come up with a new theory: there must be two killers. One of them has to be familiar with the island since the majority of the murders take place out in the woods, which would require some knowledge of the area. Also, we are either dealing with an Eagle Scout, or someone who has seen The Goonies at least 100 times. The number of booby traps plaguing these good people is staggering.

However, I don't think it's the burned-face guy with the dog. Just like Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face, he just wants to be left alone. I believe he's the one responsible for the huge log that threw the Bride and Papa Dukes from their bicycles, and maybe some of the other traps that the killer has taken advantage of, but that's it. I'm sure Mel wouldn't approve of Tommy Boy killing that dog with the broken bottle. That's just disrespectful.

When are they going to discover the dead girl in the pit? My hopes were high when the Bride spotted the annoying little dog. Unfortunately, they got sidetracked by a twisted ankle and all of my hopes were dashed.

Part of my two-killer theory involves Henry and the "dead" Seth Rogen. Henry knows the island well enough to set all these crazy traps, or at least he can point little Seth in the right direction. With a so-called deceased partner, Henry can continue to put on an innocent face while Seth does all the dirty work undetected. My other thought is that Seth and the one-and-only non-white guy, Danny, are working together. I have very little basis for this theory, except Danny wasn't really all that concerned about Seth's sketchy disappearance. He also remains in the background enough that he's not an obvious suspect. Plus, somebody is setting Chops up to feel guilty about leaving Seth out in the woods with a mere flesh wound in his leg. Henry or Danny could be behind the haunted shower antics.

While we're on the topic of our friend, Chops, can I just point out what a raging idiot he is? Why wouldn't he tell anyone that Seth shot himself in the leg? What a nutjob. Hasn't he heard of ballistics and forensics? SOMEONE needs to catch up on a little NCIS.

What's up with Demon Child hanging out with Henry's reject brother, JD? Her character is so inconsistent. Last week the voices told her she wasn't going to be the flower girl. This week, she was telling JD that she was nervous about her part in the big day. She's gotta be bipolar. Unless she's the killer, in which case, I'm giving up TV forever. While we're here, JD has come back as a suspect. The firecracker and dead raccoon in the church was put there to set him up (in my opinion). He mentioned that he had a "surprise" for Henry, which was followed by the tasty demise of Thomas Wellington-more on that later. It could be Henry and JD working together to get revenge on all the snobby Islanders for treating them like peasants in the past. So many suspects have been ushered in by my new theory!

Sheriff Dad is a creepster with all the autopsy-type photos of his wife in his attic. Does that make him a suspect? I don't think so. (Unless he's working with Jimmy-the-hot-fisherman...) Nah. Remember, he found Kelly and the article with the red eyes a few weeks back. For me, flags went up when he told Abby that he might not see her again before she leaves. Because he's gonna bite it soon, perhaps?

The demise of Thomas Wellington was actually creative. Bravo, Harper's Island! A sword (?) attached to a chandelier doesn't happen very often, and I'm impressed. It also raises the question: Was it meant for him? Who cares? It was badass.

Top Two Chuckles of the Episode:

Henry said "I miss your face" on his lady's voicemail. People say that when they're being genuine?

Thomas Wellington using the phrase, "classic cuckold." Do these writers think they're scribing Hamlet or something?

Harpers Island
Harpers Island | Source


Henry (the groom) and the guy with the Seth Rogen glasses TOGETHER

People to Die

The Psychic


Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister


Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Seth Rogen (or so they want us to think!)

Thomas Wellington

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5


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