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Harper's Island ep 6

Updated on September 30, 2014

Happier Times

Harpers Island
Harpers Island | Source

Just Hanging Out

Uncle Marty Harpers Island
Uncle Marty Harpers Island | Source

The first two minutes of this episode was devoted to replaying Thomas Wellington being split in two. Just a little splash of gore to go with your Saturday night cocktail. It was crazy suspicious that Sheriff Dad came rushing in right after the axe fell-was he just passing by? He seemed like he knew what was happening, and was a bit too calm while asking questions. Skanky Step-Mom played the role of the shocked widow for a good minute before being escorted out. I wanted to yell, "Don't pretend you're sad, go get a spanking from Ginger," but I contained myself. What I find interesting about that is they never really explained (or I blinked) her motivation for the affair. Ginger wanted to humiliate Papa Tom for being a bad boss (grow up), but Skanky Step-Mom only said she loved T-Well.

Speaking of fair-haired disciplinarians, Ginger was set up as a major suspect in the first 50 minutes or so, only to meet his demise (another badass one, by the way). He was the first one to cover up Tommy Boy which "disturbed the crime scene" as if he did it for that reason. I don't know about you, but I have better things to do than stand around staring at a split-faced dude. Sherriff Dad called him in immediately as his #1 suspect since Ginger had been diddling the dead man's wife. It was also no secret that Ginger wasn't president of Tom's fan club. There's your motive. He also got his daughter, Demon Child, to lie about his whereabouts at the time the blade was being set in place. Shady behavior, but that just led to him becoming a human skewer. It was bound to happen, since the big mouth Bride decided to tell anyone listening about Ginger's extra curriculars with Skank Step-Mom. Since he disappeared, the people in the wedding party will probably continue to suspect him for a while until his rotting body is revealed in a way that points the finger elsewhere. I look forward to seeing who the spinning bottle lands on when that happens.

JD was hiding out in the bushes when all of this went down, as innocent men often do. They keep trying to set him up, but that generally means he's going to die soon. Then Henry will be sad-or at least pretend to be since he's still at the top of my suspect list.

Zack Morris was the only one making any sense. If I witnessed some dude get chopped up in a church, I'd be on the first boat out! Who says they should wait for the morning? Put down the booze and get outta there. Doggy paddle if you have to.

It really annoyed me that this is such a small island, but no one at the bar knew that there were murders going on. No one called the bimbo bartender and gave her the 411? That's all people do on little islands like that, trust me. An axe falling from the chandelier at a church would get around a big city, let alone a small town.

Demon Child sure was chipper after seeing her grandfather chopped to bits. Plus, she acts like she knows everything that's going on but then has no qualms about hanging out with JD, who happens to be everyone's top suspect. Her evil laugh was ridiculously annoying and cheesy. I know they won't kill her off, but can someone put her on a boat or something?

There are entirely too many characters still remaining on this show. I completely forgot about Chloe and Cal until the ring resurfaced. He should be glad that he hasn't given it to her yet because that's the episode that at least one of them will die. Also, Jimmy the Fisherman disappeared for an entire episode again. They need to kill more than one character each week, so there's time for all of their storylines! It's not like these clueless fools will notice anyway.

On a positive note, they're finding bodies at a more rapid rate. They finally discovered Uncle Marty! I was afraid he'd be out there rotting until the finale. He must have smelled terrible. If finding a sawed-in-half man hanging from a tree is not a sign to get off the island, then I don't know what is. People are dying left and right, time to get with the program. Also, they finally noticed that the wannabe Paris Hilton is missing. The way that Chops convinced Bridesmaid that Paris is fine makes him seem like he's in on it. I'm still holding onto my theory about Seth Rogen, but Chops is a shady clown.

I refuse to believe that Wakefield is still alive. That is just dumb. Sheriff Dad lied about killing him to cover for someone? That's the only thing I got from the "liar" postcards. It's similar to Seth Rogen, who may resurface as Wakefield's son seeking revenge on those who wrongfully accused and killed his father. I should seriously be a soap opera writer.

The best part of this episode was definitely Ginger getting harpoon and dragged stage right. I'm glad they're being creative with these death sequences. I'd like to point out that it wasn't JD, since he wasn't covered in blood when he showed up at the man-without-a-face's house. Human skewers tend to get a bit messy.

Suspects

Henry (the groom) and the guy with the Seth Rogen glasses TOGETHER

Maybe Maggie is in on it?

People To Die

The Psychic

Katherine Wellington

That random bridesmaid who is still alive

Harpers Island Cast
Harpers Island Cast | Source

Casualties

Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister

Kelly

Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Seth Rogen (or so they want us to think!)

Thomas Wellington

Ginger (AKA Richard)

What Is Creepier?

See results

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5

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