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Help You Are So NOT A Celebrity

Updated on June 3, 2009


I can’t remember if I watched all of it or not but I do remember watching a couple of the episodes of Help, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here when Melissa Rivers was on so my mate thought it was worthy of putting it on the Tivo for the premier episode. Let me just say that I have never watched the MTV sensation, “The Hills” and now after meeting Heidi and Spencer on the new season of Help I’m A Celebrity I can safely say that not only will I never watch it, I can’t be friends with anyone who watches it either. The cast of Help this season is the least known group of celebrities I’ve ever seen in my life but that’s not the real problem, the real problem is a much larger one that has to do with the idolatry of spoiled rich kids who get their own reality series and feel they are much more important than they really are. Help, you are so NOT a celebrity – Don’t Get Me Started!

So you know the premise, right? Take celebrities and then send them camping into the jungle for three weeks. All the while a host and hostess take you into commercial breaks. The host is the most boring nobody you ever met and per the current Hollywood rulebook, the co-host is a female with breasts who speaks with an accent. I don’t know what it is about every hostess on American television having to have an accent but I’m just hoping that England, New Zealand (or wherever these no talent sluts come from) that these countries are hiring plenty of American girls in their country to host their shows…just for the accent.

If Kathy Griffin is a “D List” celebrities than these people fall somewhere in the “L, M, N, O, P” list of celebrities. To me, the only real celebrities on the show are supermodel Janice Dickinson, John Salley (NBA) and Lou Diamond Phillips. The rest of the cast is comprised of a heavyset black female comedy duo, one of the Baldwins (the one who found Jesus and the right wing so that he could get some publicity and act like he had an acting career), a female wrestler, Sanjaya from American Idol (who can’t keep his shirt on but should), the couple from the Hills and in the least celebrity category, the wife of ousted Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, Patty (her husband was originally slated for the show but the judge wouldn’t let him leave the country for filming).

While Heidi and Spencer have to be the most annoying with their hissy fits, crying, threatening their fellow cast mates and to leave the show their more quiet moments consist of them sleeping while everyone’s working and plotting revenge on everyone. Oh yeah, and when they’re not doing all of the above, they’re praying to Jesus. This last thing is perhaps my favorite thing. Of all the Christians who don’t act anything like Christians, it’s Heidi and Spencer. They are my new poster children for the Born Again Christian movement. And for those of us who aren’t real thrilled with the Born Agains, we should start putting these two on posters immediately. They plot, plan and act like spoiled children then they lock hands, close their blue eyes real tight and pray to Jesus. Trust me when I say, if Jesus is listening to these two at all, he’s doing it while rolling his eyes so much that he’s got to have a headache.

If I were a parent (and we all know I’m not) there would be only one show outlawed in my house and it would be “The Hills” (although I’ve never seen it, I saw enough from this show last night) I would never want my child to think that A) this is something to aspire to, B) that all people with money have no interest for anything but themselves, and C) that being a celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity is more important than anything. As Spencer was throwing his fit on the phone with the producer talking about how he’s more famous than anyone on the planet and the “brand” he’s created of himself I could only hope that a coconut might fall out of a tree and knock some sense into him. He’s the reason kids no longer aspire to be something but instead to be somebody on television with a stylist. “Family” organizations that want to take shows off the air that show sex or violence to protect their children have got it all wrong. I’d be going after shows like The Hills because I think it’s much more damaging. I don’t find it funny that these people are glorified for no reason other than the fact that someone turned a camera on them. In fact, it disgusts me.

I’ve said it before, I look at my Tivo like a hot nightclub, it’s always full so no one gets in until someone leaves. Now with the wrapping up of shows like American Idol (So You Think You Can Dance took its place) and Dancing With The Stars, I have a couple of open spots for new television programming but Help I’m A Celebrity made it into my Tivo club and then was promptly thrown out for not entertaining properly. I don’t have a dress code for my Tivo but you have to at least entertain to get in it! I’m sure there are some who will watch this show (The Hills and Help I’m A Celebrity) but when I think of all that’s wrong with America I’ll think of the fact that as a gay man I don’t have equal rights, that we have people losing their homes and livelihoods, that we don’t have decent universal health care for our citizens and that Spencer and Heidi have two television shows on the air. Help, you are so NOT a celebrity – Don’t Get Me Started!


P.S. I guess that Spencer and Heidi have left the show now…thank you, Jesus!

Read More Scott @


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    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 8 years ago from Southern California

      Well, Scott, if you were a show (and frankly, I think you easily could be), I would unhitch the velvet rope surrounding my Tivo and let you right in. You nailed it again.

      Not sure if you are a Joel McHale of "The Soup" fan, but I am. And I love it when he talks about "Spencer's weird, flesh-colored beard." It makes me giggle.

      I have never seen The Hills, and I am proud of that fact. Ridiculous tomfoolery.