- Entertainment and Media
History Channel Actually Played a History Documentary: Viewers Confused
Fans Very Confused
A documentary about Jamestown played this Monday morning, leaving fans of the History Channel scratching their heads. For years, the cable station has been the place to go for redneck reality shows about pawning family heirlooms for pennies on the dollar.
Radio star and redneck historian, Brian Hagen, talked about the strange anomaly on his show Friday night:
“I was up on an all-night cheese bender, and I just turned on the devil’s lookity-box, and saw the documentary. It caught me so off guard I choked on my cheesy poofs, and coughed up orange cheese powder all over my cat. I flipped through the channels and double-checked the guide. It was true; they were actually playing something about history on the History Channel. I picked up my phone and called my friends to tell them, but then remembered everyone I know has blocked my number.”
He went on to say, “History Channel really helps me hone my redneck skills. I have learned how to drive to random people’s houses, dig through their trash in their barn, and haggle them down for a box of vintage, warped Tupperware lids. I've also improved my alligator hunting and wrestling skills, which has been very useful in the Missouri backwoods, or when my girlfriend drinks too much. After watching 'Ice Road Truckers,' we decided to drive the ATV over our frozen above-ground pool. I won $7 and half a jar of bacon -flavored mayonnaise pulling that off. I get all the schooling I need from the History Channel. I don’t know why they got to be messing it up showing real history and stuff.”
The History Channel Can Help You Defend Your Home
Johnson Bryce posted over at Reddit, “Did anyone else see the Jamestown documentary on the History Channel at 4:00 this morning? I never sleep because I live on coffee, trucker pills, and chocolate. This combination lets me stay up late for hours and tell other people they are wrong on the Internet. I learn most everything about America from watching ‘Made in America’ by Larry the Cable Guy. Redneck comedians who refuse to wear sleeves are who I go to to learn my history.
I also know how to hunt with a catapult and ballista, thanks to their show ‘Top Shot.’ I built a small trebuchet in my bedroom after watching a special episode. If anyone ever tries to break into my house to steal my Commodore 64 game collection, or my stack of dad’s old girly magazines, I will be ready to defend them. I have the History Channel to thank for my homemade security system."
Social Media Circles Outraged
Social media circles were up in arms over the screw up, and were lighting up with comments of disapproval. Another fan of the station posted her feelings about the show on Facebook.
Audrey Scott stated, “I was writing a research report on Ancient Aliens and how they helped win the battle of Gettysburg when I saw that documentary. I watched it for about twenty minutes, and was waiting for them to tie space creatures to Jamestown in some way.
After about thirty minutes, I lost my cool and actually started cussing at the television. It woke all twenty of my cats up. How am I going to finish my sociology paper for my community college if I can’t learn more details about how aliens really settled Jamestown? Nobody in class will ever believe that explorers just sailed over and magically made a town. This better not become a trend for History Channel or I’ll never graduate and will have to keep dancing at ‘Bump and Grinders.’”
Rumors of The History Channel Changing Its Name
History buffs from all over the world were upset at the History Channel’s careless mistake.
Beer historian, Mike Sandstone, went on to say, “I could have forgiven them if they had at least played a Hitler documentary, but to actually show something that educational is really reckless. I noticed it played at four in the morning, so I assume they just used it for filler because they lost an infomercial advertiser. Whatever the reason, I bet somebody over there got fired for screwing this up so royally.”
The History Channel is fully aware of their slip-up. Rumors are circulating that they are considering renaming their channel “The Redneck Hunting Pawn Aliens Channel” to help avoid future confusion. Stay tuned