Hobbs and Shaw (2019) Movie Review
Chris Morgan and Drew Pearce
Perhaps August is not too early for the movie gods to be releasing a prime piece of Oscar bait like Hobbes and Shaw.
You may ask yourself in the afterbirth and serenity of Hobbs and Shaw after you wipe the tears from your hair, “What did we as a people do to deserve the gift that is Hobbs and Shaw? What with everything happening in the world today, with so much division, derision, and scorn, how did we as a human race pool our considerable resources together to make something so pristine and perfect as Hobbs and Shaw? In olden cultures people used to sacrifice their children in order to be this close to the source of all things. Now that Hobbs and Shaw has been bestowed on us by the gods and goddesses above, does this mean I’ll have to sacrifice my children? Because I’ll do it!!!”
Slow down, average viewer reading this review. I can understand why you feel the need to make a sacrifice to a higher power, but you won’t need to do so just yet. Just know we have been blessed with Hobbs and Shaw. We might not deserve it, but we will be forever beholden it exists.
The moon landing. Who shot JR? Nutella.
There are great moments in history. There are great moments in film history. Hobbs and Shaw is that rarity the encompasses both. You’re going to tell the children you haven’t sacrificed where you were the first time you saw Hobbs and Shaw.
They will look upon you with awe.
Few movies, nay few events, change your world view like Hobbs and Shaw.
Can you look at the sun without being blinded?
Can you describe the color of a perfect day?
You don’t just watch Hobbs and Shaw. You imbibe it with every fiber of your being. You may feel the need to disrobe in the theater while you view the seismic occurrence that is Hobbs and Shaw, and I can’t say I blame you. You want nothing between you and the transcendent experience that is Hobbs and Shaw.
Doctor’s note- Please don’t take your clothes off while you watch Hobbs and Shaw. It’s illegal and it’s weird and you don’t know who sat in those chairs previously. Just leave your pants on and enjoy the movie.
Fine. I’ll just do the synopsis then. Though words will never do this film justice. I’ll try though. I owe it to all of you. I just hope I can make it through the synopsis without weeping.
Hobbs and Shaw opens in war torn Rwanda in 1994.
There are shots of numerous hands grazing endless fields of wheat.
We meet our villain Brixton (Idris Elba). He’s a blackguard of the most nefarious sort. He’s on a mission to—
Just so we’re clear. I’m saying he’s a blackguard because he’s super evil, not because he’s black.
He’s on a mission to activate a deadly virus. One that will wipe out civilization as we know it.
Fortunately for us, there’s a British Intelligence team ready to intercept him. Ready to vanquish that blackest of blackguards from decimating all life.
What’s with the “blackest of blackguards”?
I’m just saying he’s super malevolent. It has nothing to do with him being black. Anyway, Brixton easily defeats the British agents. It looks like he has superhuman powers or maybe he’s been upgraded.
Luckily for the world, MI6 agent Hattie Shaw (Vanessa Kirby, from Mission Impossible: Fallout) has the wherewithal to inject the virus into herself and barely escape the black clutches of Brixton.
I’m not even going to touch that one.
Hattie and the audience know that in 72 hours the virus will detonate inside her. If she doesn’t get the virus out of her and neutralized, the world will be deleted from existence.
And yes, one of the cast members of Mission Impossible 6 just stole a plot thread from Mission Impossible 2.
Oh, no. What are we going to do? I don’t think I can take the suspense. If you don’t tell us what happens next you are a most vile blackguard.
Not to worry, because Hattie Shaw just happens to be siblings with Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), and nothing is going to stand in his way from saving his sister. Except maybe—
Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson- Jumanji, Jumanji 2, Jumanji 5). He’s the DSS agent who can find anybody or anything and he’s been summoned to find the mysterious MI6 agent with a tummy full of genocidal germs.
Unfortunately, Hobbs and Shaw (hey, that’s the title of the movie!) have history together. They haven’t always gotten along.
But they’re going to have to set aside their differences, maybe learn from each other, appreciate each other’s contribution to the team, and work together in order to save the planet from a notorious blackguard hell-bent on destroying the very fabric of humanity.
I really hope it happens, for all our sakes.
I do too. We all do.
What Works With Hobbs and Shaw
- Me and my fellow moviegoers went through the entire movie without someone opening fire and killing us all. Considering how the past couple of weeks have been, I think it’s a win for everybody.
- Deadpool 2 and Atomic Blonde director David Leitch now puts himself on the shortlist of best new action directors. That syntax was a little odd but you get my meaning. Because you’re a fan of the Fast and Furious franchise, you know how ridiculous (in a good way), the action can get. For the most part Leitch keeps everything relatively grounded without ever feeling too cartoonish.
- You already expect it from the Rock and Jason Statham considering one or the both of them have starred in 95% of every mediocre action movie from this century, but Vanessa Kirby more than holds her own on the action front. You saw hints of it in Fallout, but there are times when the Shaw in Hobbes and Shaw really means Hattie.
- One of the worst parts of any Fast and Furious movie is when Vin Diesel drones on about “family”. Fortunately, there’s not a lot of that here. And what little of it there is barely registers on the eyeroll scale.
What Doesn't Work With Hobbs and Shaw
- A tacked on climax set in Samoa borders on Michael Bay overkill. It adds 30 minutes to a running time that doesn’t really need it. It’s during this part of the movie that you start to realize the empty calories you’ve been watching. You didn’t notice it before because you were having so much fun. You notice it now.
You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your family. You owe it to the world. See Hobbs and Shaw. I am late on this review because after seeing it on Friday I spent the past couple of days fasting in the desert contemplating if I had the proper words to write it. Also, I had to extract a bunch of cactus needles from various parts of my body.
Who is in more mediocre movies?
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© 2019 Noel Penaflor