ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Get a Hot Job in Hell !

Updated on January 25, 2014

Dead and Not Loving It

So... maybe you having been thinking about death lately, (and who hasn't?) and are wondering--'hey, if I go to "the other place"..what will I do there? How will I support myself?...I don't want to live on the street ( if they have any) begging passersby for spare change...if I have to be there I want to make it as pleasant an experience as possible.

Well, the fact is, I happen to have the inside-line on Hell and all the great job opportunities you will find there, so worry no more. Nothing could be easier than getting a great gig in the Land of the Dead and new caves,grottoes,pits and pendulums are being added every day to accommodate all new-comers.



How can I talk with such authority--I know you are asking yourself that question right now.

Basically I've read the source material--Dante's Divine Comedy (why they call it a 'comedy' is beyond me) so I consider myself an expert.

While the population figures are yet to be revealed for this year,last year Heaven's newest residents has dropped considerably....


Meanwhile Hell has shown a real population explosion in recent times with many new arrivals from groups of middle-eastern terrorists, suicide bombers and 'adult-entertainment entrepreneurs.'



Department of Gluttony

Are you a gastronomic gourmand?

Do you enjoy guzzling,overgorging,overeating and stuffing yourself to the point of swinish vulgarity?

Have you ever been called a corpulent crammer? Do you keep doughnuts under the bed or sausages in your pocket?

Then you might be interested in a position as a Glutton-trainee. We are looking for fat people with a flair for eating people out of house and home. The successful applicant will be willing to eat non-stop for eternity, engorging and feasting to the point of epicurean carnality.

Please bring your own fork.




Department of Pride

Calling all peacocks!

Do you consider yourself comely,radiant,gorgeous,magnificent,charming,well-formed,well-proportioned--an Apollo or Aphrodite amongst the weed-garden of commonality?

Would you describe yourself as replendent,dapper,dazzling and picturesque?

In short, can you pass by a mirror, or even a shop window that shows your handsome reflection, without taking a sneak peak at your own incredible, spotless,countenance?

Then you may just be too proud for your pants and just the kind we are looking for in the Department of Pride.

And if you think you are too good for us, you are just the sort we want!



Sloth

The Department of Sloth has openings for applicants who show no ambition whatsoever. We are eager to find persons who have considerable experience in slacking-off, inactivity, and those having high-level torpidity.

If you are unreactive, inert and excel in being slow and lifeless you may have a career with the Department of Sloth. Apply at some point, but not until you have procrastinated for a sufficient interval.




Anger

We presently need those who combust easily and fly into a rage over nothing. If you can loose your cool on a moment's notice or get your hackles up at the gall of other people, then maybe there is a place for you in the Department of Anger.

In particular, we are looking for employees who can 'see red' easily and can be miffed into madness over the slightest of trifles.

Apply with umbrage and outrage to the Dept. of Anger




Lust

Presently the Department of Lust is over-whelmed with applicants here in Hell, but there are always spaces open to those who can show unrivalled abilities in sordid craving, lecherous appetites,malodorous sexual desires and libidinous passions of an unhealthy degree.

Nymphomaniacs,fetish-obsessed individuals and those having advanced degrees in erotic immorality are encouraged to apply in person, nude, and aroused, to the Department of Lust at their convenience.




How to Apply for Jobs in Hell

Employment Opportunities in Hades


The future looks bright for those seeking long-term (forever) employment in what is surely 'the hottest place to work' so if you are :

  • a self-starter
  • ambitious
  • ethical
  • moral
  • and virtuous

do NOT apply.

All others please consider contacting

Lucifer

Department of Bad Choices

Basement Level

Hell

000000


Please Note: All Souls taken are non-refundable.


Comments

Submit a Comment

  • Woody Marx profile imageAUTHOR

    Woody Marx 

    8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Betsy: Glad you included me in your reading time! :)

    Kelly: O yes it's real alright....

  • profile image

    kelly 

    9 years ago

    hehehehehehehehe

    could this be real ?its just crazy for me

  • BetsyIckes profile image

    BetsyIckes 

    9 years ago from Pennsylvania

    Great hub! I'm glad you included the deadly sins!

  • Woody Marx profile imageAUTHOR

    Woody Marx 

    9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Zsuzsy: I think we have something in common! I wouldn't mind a job in the Sloth Dept. myself...imagine competing with others to see who could be the least ambitious? That's the ticket! Thanks for reading. :)

  • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

    Zsuzsy Bee 

    9 years ago from Ontario/Canada

    Another good one! How hot is hot, did you say? After always being busy busy I think I will try for a job in the department of sloths. I think I could do with some rest. On that thought I wonder, can one change carreers in hell? I think we will need Patty to write us a hub about how to change an established job choice in hell.

    Great hub!

    regards Zsuzsy

  • Woody Marx profile imageAUTHOR

    Woody Marx 

    9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    E: I'm certain from what you say that you have a 'bright' future in Hell. ;)

  • profile image

    E Cigarette 

    9 years ago

    It's nice to know that my lifetime of training can be put to good use once I arrive. I know there are those with more experience, but I'm a fast learner and eager to succeed. I also have experience in Greed and Envy. I wonder if these departments will be hiring in the near future. Great Hub.

  • Woody Marx profile imageAUTHOR

    Woody Marx 

    9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Patty: Well since we are speaking of Hell, maybe you should have said 'thumbs down'. Way down. ;) Thanks for reading.

    B.T. : I thought that was you I saw on my visit! I'll lower you a rope. Don't worry. ;)

  • B.T. Evilpants profile image

    B.T. Evilpants 

    9 years ago from Hell, MI

    Being a permanent resident of Hell, I can attest that these professions are in demand here! Personally, I work part time in both the Gluttony and Anger sectors. I happen to be an angry eater with a pocket full of sausages! Great coverage of the job situation in my home town! Thanks!

  • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

    Patty Inglish 

    9 years ago from USA. Member of Asgardia, the first space nation, since October 2016

    Thumbs up! Some say all jobs are in Hell anyway. lol

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)