Get a Hot Job in Hell !
Dead and Not Loving It
So... maybe you having been thinking about death lately, (and who hasn't?) and are wondering--'hey, if I go to "the other place"..what will I do there? How will I support myself?...I don't want to live on the street ( if they have any) begging passersby for spare change...if I have to be there I want to make it as pleasant an experience as possible.
Well, the fact is, I happen to have the inside-line on Hell and all the great job opportunities you will find there, so worry no more. Nothing could be easier than getting a great gig in the Land of the Dead and new caves,grottoes,pits and pendulums are being added every day to accommodate all new-comers.
How can I talk with such authority--I know you are asking yourself that question right now.
Basically I've read the source material--Dante's Divine Comedy (why they call it a 'comedy' is beyond me) so I consider myself an expert.
While the population figures are yet to be revealed for this year,last year Heaven's newest residents has dropped considerably....
Meanwhile Hell has shown a real population explosion in recent times with many new arrivals from groups of middle-eastern terrorists, suicide bombers and 'adult-entertainment entrepreneurs.'
Department of Gluttony
Are you a gastronomic gourmand?
Do you enjoy guzzling,overgorging,overeating and stuffing yourself to the point of swinish vulgarity?
Have you ever been called a corpulent crammer? Do you keep doughnuts under the bed or sausages in your pocket?
Then you might be interested in a position as a Glutton-trainee. We are looking for fat people with a flair for eating people out of house and home. The successful applicant will be willing to eat non-stop for eternity, engorging and feasting to the point of epicurean carnality.
Please bring your own fork.
Department of Pride
Calling all peacocks!
Do you consider yourself comely,radiant,gorgeous,magnificent,charming,well-formed,well-proportioned--an Apollo or Aphrodite amongst the weed-garden of commonality?
Would you describe yourself as replendent,dapper,dazzling and picturesque?
In short, can you pass by a mirror, or even a shop window that shows your handsome reflection, without taking a sneak peak at your own incredible, spotless,countenance?
Then you may just be too proud for your pants and just the kind we are looking for in the Department of Pride.
And if you think you are too good for us, you are just the sort we want!
The Department of Sloth has openings for applicants who show no ambition whatsoever. We are eager to find persons who have considerable experience in slacking-off, inactivity, and those having high-level torpidity.
If you are unreactive, inert and excel in being slow and lifeless you may have a career with the Department of Sloth. Apply at some point, but not until you have procrastinated for a sufficient interval.
We presently need those who combust easily and fly into a rage over nothing. If you can loose your cool on a moment's notice or get your hackles up at the gall of other people, then maybe there is a place for you in the Department of Anger.
In particular, we are looking for employees who can 'see red' easily and can be miffed into madness over the slightest of trifles.
Apply with umbrage and outrage to the Dept. of Anger
Presently the Department of Lust is over-whelmed with applicants here in Hell, but there are always spaces open to those who can show unrivalled abilities in sordid craving, lecherous appetites,malodorous sexual desires and libidinous passions of an unhealthy degree.
Nymphomaniacs,fetish-obsessed individuals and those having advanced degrees in erotic immorality are encouraged to apply in person, nude, and aroused, to the Department of Lust at their convenience.
How to Apply for Jobs in Hell
Employment Opportunities in Hades
The future looks bright for those seeking long-term (forever) employment in what is surely 'the hottest place to work' so if you are :
- a self-starter
- and virtuous
do NOT apply.
All others please consider contacting
Department of Bad Choices
Please Note: All Souls taken are non-refundable.