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Top 10 Things Crime Shows and Movies Have Taught Me

Updated on November 5, 2017

I enjoy watching crime shows a lot. True ones, fake ones, whatever, if I'm in the mood, do 'er up. I've learned a lot from them. Like how to dispose of a body without getting caught, or how to protect yourself from being stalked. Joking, I'd be screwed. Anyway, I wouldn't think I was a doctor after I watched a season of Grey's Anatomy, however, the tips criminals learn on these shows must be tremendous. Here are the top 10 things I have learned from watching crime shows:

10. The Spouse Did It

It feels as though, ninety percent of the time, the spouse did it. Whether they did it themselves, paid someone, locked down an air tight alibi, or whatever, it was them. Lock 'em up. The other 10 percent is split between the mistress, and some random killer; thief, petty criminal, or regular Joe that just flat out snapped. YOU WILL THINK IT'S THIS PERSON THE ENTIRE TIME, BUT THE ENTIRE SHOW WILL MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF. YOU WILL BE RIGHT. It is highly unlikely the spouse will get away with killing their clearly better half. Local detectives will solve it, no problem. A random kill however, will require the big boys, like the FBI or Marshalls.

9. It's More Often Than Not, About Money OR Love

Most of the time it's about MONEY. MONEY. MONEY. MONEY. A large inheritance, a job position, property, owed debts, are all apparently, valid reasons to kill someone. If there is money involved, follow the freaking money. If it's not about money, it's about love, or both. Though the outcome didn't pan out for either of them, Piper and Alex, in "Orange Is The New Black", had each of one of these two motives. Let's face it, most episodes on any crime show involving murder include either love or money.

9. NEVER Trust Your New Neighbours

Don't ever trust your new neighbours. They are crazy psychopaths, who definitely have something hidden in their basement. We've all seen, "The Burbs". Neighbours can go one of two ways, too friendly, or too suspicious; there's no in-between. Oddly enough, the very considerate, nosy, polite, ones-you-would-least-expect, are often the craziest. They are usually very helpful, and sometimes even bring you cookies or house-warming gifts. No matter how normal they seem, these people are freaks. It's science. You WILL sense something fishy about them, but it will be camouflaged by their extreme charm and charismatic nature.

7. Leave Your Phone At Home

It's probably best if criminals don't bring their phone with them if they're about to commit a crime. They may as well video tape the crime and post it on Facebook under their own name. With technology increasing rapidly, you can pretty much track life forms from other planets with those things. Text messages, phone calls, video taping, and photos are best not to be kept as evidence, as it Often winds up getting the criminal caught. Also, they shouldn't write emails in the first place, they're not Hillary Clinton. They will not get away with it.

6. Someone Will Crack

Someone will crack. There is a definite reason why cops use the 'good cop, bad cop' method. People cannot keep secrets and will break under pressure. It's probably best they continue to take their medication after you commit the crime. Consider staying with your psychiatrist as well. Often they get themselves caught, just out of sheer stupidity. The tell someone. Just because they can handle it, doesn't mean other people can. Lie detector tests are often legit, but it seems that if the criminal believes it's the truth, so will the test. A strong alibi usually seems to assist in keeping the criminal out of jail, whether it's true or not, but if they were at the crime this can be difficult for criminals to attain. However, if they get a published book, stating how they are going to kill, it apparently will work once, as Sharon Stone taught us in "Basic Instinct". Being good-looking is also a good advantage for criminals. It tends to give them a little edge in the vunerability-I'm-just-a-victim-here-too category.

5. Case Closed By Odd Fiber

Small pieces of evidence will solve the case. "Forensic Files" suggests, if you're planning on killing someone, just breathing poses a threat to you getting caught. Just when you think someone is going to get away with murder, a cat hair is found at the scene from a specific breed, that are only imported from a small country in the Caribbean; likely the rarest type of cat on the planet. The ones that get away with it use a vacuum, like Kevin Costner's character in "Mr. Brooks" did, or wear, at the very least, a hair net.

4. Luminol Is Brilliant

Luminol is magic and I'm pretty sure it's collected by fairies. This chemical compound is brilliant. "Crime Scene Investigation" taught most of us that. Before that show, you probably never even heard of it. It will light up the room like a Chinese firework display. Nothing like semen everywhere. Apparently, bleach will cover up bodily fluid. Luminol will find the facts, and the detectives will know the criminal did it, but the use of bleach will destroy it and they'll have to go about finding new evidence. "Gone Girl" took this to the max, when plotting out her disappearance. Also, thanks to this handy little liquid, we've learned never to sleep in a hotel room again. Ever.

3. Destroying the Evidence

Cutting the body up in pieces and throwing it in the ocean is probably the best option criminals have, when discarding remains. Ask serial killer, blood-splatter expert, Dexter Morgan, from the crime show "Dexter". The dogs will most likely find evidence that will lead them to where the body was buried. We learn digging a shallow grave gets the criminals caught, but lime will assist in decomposing evidence. Hydrofluoric Acid is definitely a fantastic way to break down a body, but as we learned from Jesse's mistake in "Breaking Bad", criminals must use plastic, as the acid will burn through glass, metal and ceramic bathtubs apparently. Burning the evidence can work, but more often than not, as.most criminals do not accomplish this successfully, and leave behind 'trace' evidence. However, shreading papers has caught many criminals, but we learn burning them is this they manage to get away with it. As for the weapon, it seems to work out for the bad guys when they use something they can dispose of easily. Many seem to attempt to hide the gun in a vent in their house; it will be found. Anthony Hopkins' character did it right in "Fracture", but lets face it, most criminals are not that smart. Often throwing it in a body of water produces witnesses, as seen in "Shawshank Redemption", when Andy Dufresne gets life for this mistake. An undetectable poison is definitely another option, one the lady criminals like to use, but we've learned it does leave a paper trail while buying it, amd often the criminals are nailed for it. Probably best if they use their own two hands, but even that can pose a problem. However, we do learn in tip #2, how criminals protect their hands during these heinous acts they commit.

2. Gloves

Criminals who always wear gloves, don't get caught as easily. The most psycho of killers find a way to just remove their fingerprints altogether. Some just alter them in some way or disguise them. Burning them off is apparently an option, as it's highly likely criminals will screw these other methods up, and still maintain a way the police can identify them. Heck, criminals may as well go all out and just buy something that covers their entire body from head-to-toe, like a giant condom. But even condoms are only 99 percent effective. It's difficult for criminals not leave behind some of themselves at the crime scene.

1. No Rest For The Wicked

No one either committing or solving a crime sleeps. They all seem to drink coffee during the day, hard alcohol at night. Sleeping will be attempted, but it's highly unlikely anybody will get any until day 10, just before they die of lack there of. That detective, like Al Pacino in "Insomnia", or Matthew McConaughey in "True Crime" always seem to catch the criminal. They wear an invisible cape, and drink 15 cups of coffee a day; the one detective who knows exactly going on but nobody listens to until they've solved the case on their own. Criminals can't sleep, because detectives don't, so it's probably best not to kill anyone or commit any crime.

Period.

Anyway, there you have it. Things I learned from watching crime shows. There's a million more. Silly stuff. In all seriousness, it's kind of crazy what television and movies can teach you. Whether or not it can be executed, well, that's a different story.

© 2017 Joanne Kristin

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