How To Train a Cat in 50 Simple Steps
The people who truly love having cats as pets, love them because they are just a bit of mystery to us.
They seem to really enjoy doing things they aren't supposed to do---jumping on the kitchen counters and table, eating a hole in the bag of bread, waking us up to refill an already full food bowl at 5 AM.
Some people foolishly think that they can teach their cat to not engage in these annoying habits. Unfortunately for them, they would be better off getting a dog most of the time.
Here is a humorous look at how to try to train a cat.
50 Simple Steps for Training a Cat
1. Announce to the cat that today you are going to start training him to do _________. (Fill in the blank with anything you would like to train your cat to do--walk on a leash, not jump on the counters, come on command, clean his own litterbox, drive himself to the vet, etc.)
2. Get closer to your cat since he remains completely asleep and oblivious.
3. Gently poke your cat to wake him up and then endure the glare of death.
4. Tell him again that today is cat training day.
5. Attempt to pick up your cat and get scratched.
6. Watch as your cat runs under the bed and falls back asleep.
7. Attempt to coax your cat out from under the bed with treats as it ignores you and continues to sleep.
8. Open canned food or tuna and place by the edge of the bed.
9. Sit on bed and wait for cat to come out.
10. Give up and go out of the room for five minutes.
11. Come back to find an empty can sitting beside the bed.
12. Look under the bed and realize your cat is gone.
13. Search for an hour until you find him curled up in the deepest darkest corner of your closet.
14. After closing off all escape routes, drag your cat out of the closet and begin trying to show him what you want him to do.
15. Watch the cat stare blankly at you as you attempt to show him again and again by demonstrating the behavior on all fours. You even meow to show him you are a cat.
16. Move to another room after you realize that your curtains are open and your nosy neighbor is now watching you try to show your non-responsive cat how to do the trick.
17. Get out a bag of treats and try to get your cat to come to you. You could at least teach him that, right?
18. Realize that your cat is falling asleep sitting up, while you are talking to him.
19. Look up online videos on cat obedience training.
20. Realize that everyone else seems to have a cat that cares.
21. Go back to your cat who has chewed a hole in the treat bag, eaten 3/4 of the bag, and is now asleep on your freshly laundered and folded dress pants.
22. Pick cat up off the clothes and place on the floor.
23. Watch cat glare at you for a full minute before sticking its tail in the air and walking out of the room.
24. Curl up in the fetal position for the rest of the day.
25. The next day decide you are going to try a different method.
26. Look up videos of a cat doing the desired tricks. Make your cat watch the videos.
27. Find yourself on a questionable website because your cat sits on the keyboard, typing in random numbers and letters.
28. Spend an hour running your anti-virus software while your cat cleans himself and then falls asleep.
29. Find the treat bag and then remember your cat chewed a hole in it yesterday and ate the treats.
30. Tape up the hole in the treat bag and add some regular dry cat food.
31. Shake the treat bag to get your cat to come into the room.
32. After cat comes into the room, expecting a treat, attempt to get your cat to do the desired trick. When he sort of looks at you for half a second, praise him!
33. Give him the fake treat/dry food and try to be very enthusiastic about it.
34. Watch as he sniffs it and then refuses to eat it.
35. Pretend to eat the treat yourself and watch while the cat still refuses to acknowledge the food in front of it.
36. Decide that it is perfectly rational to try to talk to your cat about this problem.
37. Watch as your cat decides to clean his private parts while you are explaining the problem and your expected behavior.
38. Decide you may have the dumbest cat in the world but you are going to teach it do something.
39. Attempt to get it to do the bad things that it always does anyway.
40. Pat your pile of clean laundry and suggest that the cat sit on it.
41. Watch as your cat blinks his eyes, once, and refuses to move.
42. Roll around on the laundry and show the cat that you really want him to lay on top of it.
43. Sigh as the cat still refuses to move.
44. Place more fake treats on top and then pretend to eat them.
45. Watch as your cat gets up, stretches, makes a step towards you and then turns in the opposite direction, out of the room.
46. Find him later, continuing to clean his private parts while sitting on your pillow.
47. Make him get off your pillow so you can cry into it.
48. Later, walk into the other room and find him sleeping on your laundry.
49. Once again curl into the fetal position.
50. The next day Google "how to adopt a dog."
I hope this tutorial has truly shown you just how simple it really is to train your cat.
Best of luck!