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How to Fart as Loudly as Possible
The Joys of Flatus
There are no bodily functions more rampantly amusing than a rampaging release of rump-thunder! Be it a sleepover fart competition or a very quiet funeral, nothing incites humor quite as well as a well-punctuated reverberating elephant roar that comes flapping out of the seat of your pants.
Unfortunately not all farts are created equal. It is such a depressing tragedy when a flatulent event is anticipated by announcement or finger-pulling only to be nothing but a sad deflating hiss.
We'd all like to fart louder. It is a message of confidence and mischievousness that demands to be experienced ...whether neighboring parties are willing or nay.
Also. Farts are sexy!! This is a true fact, known by anyone who agrees with it. Huh.
Farting loudly is a function of several key factors: size, force against a resistance, amplification, and moisture. Harness these aspects to achieve flatulence of impressive decibels.
Size Does Matter
First you must consider the creation of bodily gas, for it is the ammunition to your cannon: without it your butt is just an impotent empty threat.
Flatus can be gained by swallowing air, digesting food, or anal inhalation.
Once you get yourself good n' gassy, the next step is to fill the chamber. This stage is critical. Mess this part up too badly and all is lost. You must relax as much as possible so that your rectum can fill with air without leaking any out just yet. This requires a delicate balance of not releasing air prematurely while not forcing the air back into the large intestines. Relaxing to allow the natural process will ensure a sizable return; the kind which, once expelled, gives that relieving feeling as if your organs have now fallen back into their rightful place. Godzilla would be proud!
Use The Force, Luke
Farting. As with any musical instrument, fart volume is a function of force and amplification.
We will get to amplification later. Butt for now a word about force.
The volume of your fart is ultimately a factor of creating a force of pressure against a resistance!
Firstly a warning: be sure that what you are dealing with is just air!
The last thing you probably want is an unfriendly walnut poo (or worse, a pudding pie) in the pants. Most people learn how to tell the difference early in life. Just be aware. Know what you are dealing with before you go at it full force.
Creating the force first comes from the same muscles used in the process of defecating. What you want to do is not simply to let it loose. You want to harness the power of a ferocious dog bark and shout the fart out with all of your might!
The force can be further enhanced by flexing the abdominal muscles in one fast motion from top to bottom, as would a spastic belly-dancer being hit by lightning. This takes practice to flex the right muscles but soon you'll be butt-yelling clamorous explosions in no time.
If all this is too much to think about, simply concentrate on pressing the fart out as forcefully as possible. Experiment, eventually you'll get the hang of it.
Vive La Résistance!
Once you have a significant force, the next aspect is to create a resistance to that force that is just less than the force applied. In the violent clash where the force meets the resistance... that is truly where the magic happens.
Essentially, you want to make it as difficult as possible for the air to escape, while still achieving its release.
Consider your posture. If you want to lift your leg or bend over in some theatrical gesture, be mindful not to lift your leg too high or bend over too far which would spread your butt and make your rectal liberation all too easy.
The best position is standing with the hips neutral or sitting with one cheek slightly raised. Don't bother clenching your buttocks: the sound primarily resonates from the sphincter. Just let your butt cheeks relax but keep some tension in the muscles of your anus.
Once the gas starts escaping, you should make it even more difficult for it to continue trumpeting. Quickly add more restrictive tension. Keep or even enhance the force pressing out, but squeeze your anus as if you are trying to stop it. Even push your hips slightly forward, but be sure the force behind it doesn't falter to a level less than the resistance. Otherwise you'll cut off your cutting of the cheese.
Too much resistance and the fart won't come out. Not enough force and the sound will be of meager volume. Practice. Practice. Pbpbpbpractice.
Additionally you can amplify your fart sounds. The most obvious way is by microphone. But realistically few of us will often have the opportunity to pin a megaphone firmly between our buttocks when the time is ripe. Fear not! There are other ways of getting the most bang for your buck. The secret is the following:
As with any sound, fart noise will bounce off of hard flat surfaces!
This means that sitting or lying butt-down on a hard surface is far better as compared to something soft that would muffle the glory. You would do well to take advantage of seating such as a hard wooden pew in a church, or a metal public bus bench, or even just on a hardwood floor. The possibilities are endless!
Additionally walls that are flat and bare will have the sound rebounding off of them. A room with such surrounding walls will cause the sound the hang around a bit longer. Places like bathrooms, empty rooms of any kind, auditoriums, and opera halls are some great examples. But even just a concrete wall in public will help control the direction of the sound.
Combining the above such as sitting in a bathtub surrounded by tiled walls, or on the hardwood floor of an empty room will make the resulting sound a bombastic trumpeting delight.
Surround yourself with hard flat surfaces and your butt-yodeling solo will echo, unleashing a fully-blown heavenly choir that startles your neighbor's dog.
A moist environment is conducive to excellent farts. Humidity in the air or, more locally, just a good old-fashioned sweaty butt crack, makes for a better seal. If done correctly, your hiney will rapidly release and reseal in quick successive bursts serving you with that satisfying *brapbrapbrap* quality.
Dry environments have their unique joy as well; you might manage a high pitched squeak, like a succulent violin note or a pinched balloon. But in overly dry environments, it is unlikely to achieve the sort of intimidating loud lion roar that you can muster with at least some level of moisture while generating your underwear mustard.
In a pinch you can wipe your butt with wet toilet paper, or discretely pour some nearby pickle juice down your cavern. Cooking oil also works. Be creative, use your environment to your advantage.