How to Insult People Without Them Realizing It
Insults Today are Vulgar and Unoriginal
You ever watch these talk shows today? Take shows like Jerry Springer. If you don't watch the show, just humor me for a bit. If you do watch the show...please don't admit to it.
I don't understand how shows like these are on the air, let alone so popular when you can't even understand what they are saying. Every other word is bleeped out or silenced. You ever try to watch a few seconds of shows like that? Where all you get is absolute dead air because everyone is cursing so much?
That's because the same vulgar insults are being slung back and forth. This lack of originality has become so unbearable I can't even take it. Wouldn't it be nicer to hear insults that don't have to be censored?
- Insults that are unique and seldom heard.
- Insults that haven't been used in so long that people don't even realize they're insults.
Where Do We Find These Insults?
Just imagine it: You're furious with someone. Becky has been flirting with your crush again when she knows all too well how much he means to you. In a fit of rage, you exclaim, "Pelican!" and storm out of the room, leaving Becky confused as to why you called her a large sea bird.
Thanks to a little book I stumbled upon in the free bookshelf in the English department, I have an entire arsenal of insults ready to use at any given moment, and I am willing to share a few with you. These are some of the most innocent sounding and/or unique words I have come across without being too insulting and vulgar.
These are all insults that were terribly offensive hundreds of years ago, but if used now will be more confusing than anything else. That's OK. What matters is that you know what they mean, and you can feel superior and smug when doling them out.
Things are seldom what they seem,
Skim milk masquerades as cream.
High-lows pose as patent leathers,
Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers."— 'H.M.S. Pinafore' (1878), W. S. Gilbert
Old-Fashioned Insults B - H
backbiter: One who spreads rumors of another, usually going behind their back or stabbing them in the back.
bilk: A cheat. Formally an extremely degrading epithet.
boondoggle: Something or someone that is a waste or impracticable.
dippy: To be crazy or foolish.
flannelmouth: A smooth talker, or one who talks with a thick accent or takes too long to speak
flibbertigibbit: A silly, talkative person. Usually used to describe a woman.
That gaffer is absolutely dippy!
gaffer: Formally a term of respect, now an insulting way to address an older person. Similar to the term geezer.
gink: A poor, unfortunate man. Similar to a jerk or a goon.
goth - Formally known as a rude and uncultured individual. An obvious change to that word has been made over the years.
hokum: Pure and utter nonsense, told in an insincere manner.
hoyden: Originally used to describe a rude and arrogant man, it eventually turned into an insult against woman, similar to being called saucy or a hussy.
Old Fashioned Insults J - M
jackanapes: One who is conceited and impertinent. A mischievous child.
jackdaw: Someone who talks or boasts too much, or struts around without right. Formally called a 'jack the daw'.
Janus: Someone who is two-faced. A liar and deceiver.
jay: Someone who talks too much and can be easily tricked. Also known as a dolt or a hick.
jazz: Rather than a genre of music, jazz formally meant intercourse and was associated with the lowest of low. A term heard more in brothels
Go jazz a moose, you jackdaw!
Jonah: One who brings bad luck to others. Unfortunate.
lickspittle: An overly zealous flatterer. A yes man.
lumpenproletariat: The poorest of the poor.
meatball: One who is stupid and obnoxious. A meathead.
mollycoddle: One who is pampered, spoiled, or weak. Or a mixture of the three.
moose: A prostitute or mistress.
How to make modern day insults seem classy
Old Fashioned Insults O-W
ostrich: A stupid person who ignores reality and facts, like ostriches burying their head in the sand.
pelican: Can be used to describe a glutton, a tough woman, or even a prostitute.
popinjay: A fop, a person who is stuck up and conceited without reason. The original name for what we now call a parrot, it was meant to represent someone who repeats words without knowing what they meant.
quail: A timid person, a prostitute, or "jailbait."
I've never seen a more swellheaded popinjay!
ribbon clerk: An amateur. Sometimes a put down used in high stakes games to press other players.
swellhead: One who is vain or has a big head.
tweeb: One who spends all their time studying. Similar to dweeb or dork.
white feather: A coward in the face of danger. Like waving a white flag..
Now Go Out in the World and Use Your Knowledge
Try calling someone a few of these insults with a smile on your face. See if they're not just a little bit confused. And if you're convincing enough, they may even take it as a compliment! But you'll know the truth.
Let me know if you want more insults and put downs and feel free to add a few yourself if you know any.