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How to Lose Weight and Not Gain it Back

Updated on July 15, 2013
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The best way to lose weight and keep it off is to....


Die.

Seriously. Once you’re dead your body will rapidly begin to throw off fat. I challenge you to find an obese corpse. Since your appetite is pretty much non-existent at this point, I feel extremely confident in saying your fat will not be coming back.

If this is too drastic a step for you, then perhaps you’d like to take up smoking heavily. 6 packs a day should do it. NO?

Toxic waste. Swim in toxic waste. Being seriously ill will usually knock off a few pounds. The down side is that often you end up dead. This would be OK, except there’s that whole, “I’m too dead to go shopping for new, prettier clothes” thing. Maybe we should skip the toxic waste and/or chain smoking.

Are you sure you really want to lose weight and keep it off? Are you sure you don’t just want to buy bigger clothes that fit loosely and feel better about yourself? No? Ok, then on we go….

The next thing you should try if the above two ideas aren’t your cup of tea, is the potato diet. All potatoes all the time. You may plop butter, sour cream, cheese, chives, guacamole, chocolate candies, etc. on top. Pile them high with ice-cream for all I care, just make sure to eat a baked potato every time you are hungry. You may not eat anything else. Everything you eat must be in or on the baked potato. Within weeks, if not days, you’ll be so sick of the baked potato that you’ll find your appetite dwindling. Do not give in to the temptation to begin drinking heavily as this may offset the progress you’ve been making with the baked potatoes.

If baked potatoes aren’t your thing, you could always exercise, but that would just make you hungry. I don’t recommend going that route. Exercise could also make you feel good about yourself. Everyone knows that fat people are jolly… it’s a short road from exercise to obesity.

If potatoes, chain smoking, exercising and dying are all options you’d rather not try, there is one option left.

Surgery.

The surgeon will suck out your fat and cut off most of your stomach. You can eat, but it will be torturous. You may even wish you were dead. At that point, I’ll say I told you so. If you’d just gone with option one in the first place you could have saved yourself all of this torment. As it is, the surgeon is happy, he can now vacation in the Bahamas with his genetically thin wife. You will never be genetically thin. You will never vacation in the Bahamas.

Now that you realize this, you may be ready for some serious dieting. Can we at least go back to option two. If you smoke enough, you can drink as well and still lose weight. Just don’t eat, unless it’s toxic waste. By now you’re probably too depressed to eat anyway.

There. Now you can’t eat. See what I’ve done. Bookmark this page and read it every day.

You will lose weight and never gain it back.

You are so welcome.


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    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Ha! You really are too nice:). Tomorrow maybe I will even go up the stairs a few times. I might even carry something to add a little weight, but I don't wanna get too crazy now.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RealHo- Stairs TOTALLY count! Ho, Ho's are awesome... especially for REAL Ho's!

      It's amazing the things we'll do for our kids. You are definitely a REAL MO HO!!! Impressive!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Coffee! I think my running up flights of stairs with laundry and what now counts don't you? Ha! I am actually very health conscious, I just don't have a work out plan. Laurel had very high cholesterol - diagnosed when she was 8! It forced me to change my eating habits for the kid! I love to cook though so it all works out:)

      I love HO HO's tho!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I'm about to disappoint you ......I was totally kidding. I actually enjoy exercise, I just haven't had the time...OK, I just haven't MADE the time in the past few years. I agree, that it's what's on the inside that counts, but I'm mostly made up of donuts and coffee at this point! :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I am just glad to report to you that I heaved a sigh of relief when you said you wouldn't go the exercise route! That sounds bad! Me either! RealHo says - it's what's on the inside that counts!

      Very funny though, you never disappoint!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      rosefall- I love it when people stop by and leave a nice comment! Thank you so much!

    • Rosefall profile image

      Rosefall 6 years ago from Ohio!

      You are hilarious! Love it!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Pollyanna- how I wish I had been wise enough to replace smoking with sherbet! I used the donut method. Eat a donut. Eat another donut. Eat the whole box of donuts. Buy another box of donuts to replace the empty box. Gain 20 pounds and scratch your head wondering how THAT happened. Then eat another donut while you're contemplating!

      By the way, ewww. that loose skin thing sounds more gross than my donut binge!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RichERich- I love your name! That was one of my favorite comics growing up. OK, I still like it a LOT! :)

      Thank you for stopping by and for wanting to peruse! Thank you also for leaving a comment letting me know you were here. It's always nice to get visitors, it's even nicer when they take a minute to "chat". It's especially nice when a visitor says such nice things! Thank you!

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

      I gave up the smoking and replaced it with no fat sherbet so that was pretty good but still had a few pounds sneak on, maybe even fat free you can't have every 15 minutes like a cigarette you guess? As for having fat sucked out, forget that, I have seen it done, I'd rather starve and exercise. My sister had the staple done and all that loose skin is kinda looking a little better after five years,maybe one day it will shrink.

    • RichERich1175 profile image

      RichERich1175 6 years ago

      As someone who was had weight issues for most of their life, I can totally empathize with your words. I am glad to I found your profile and blogs! Excellent work. I look forward perusing through the other hubs.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      ahhh, dental surgery. I completely missed that one!

      For those of us with good teeth, we can always get into a really good bar fight and get our jaw wired shut!!

      I'm thinking someone should probably write a book on weight loss, there seems to be so many great ways to lose unwanted fattage!

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

      I am very happy to have discovered you, sueroy. If my comments help, I am pleased.

      Another thought - my little sister lost a huge amount of weight (too much, I think) by having extensive dental surgery. She cannot chew solid food...better than death, but not very pleasant.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Thanks, mysterylady! I love their comments too. If you went to my hubs and read only their comments, you would find that it would be time well spent!

      I have been very lucky to have excellent writers who help me hone my skills by posting awesome comments! I include you in that mix. :O)

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

      Sueroy, I loved this hub! I also loved the comments made by Chris and drbj. I am blessed (?) with skinny arms and legs. While I struggled to be skinny my whole life, now I have discovered that if I wear shorts and a loose-fitting top, people don't notice my middle and think I am a survivor of a concentration camp.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Pixienot- Glad I could be of help. Thanks for the votes.. accidental and otherwise!!

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Well, Little One, you got me laughing - a lot. This was excellent! Your humor must come from somewhere! Where ever it is, keep a good supply in. I loved it. I truly did. I'm laughing while writing this.

      I wondered what approach you'd take... good job. After reading this, I've decided I do not want to lose weight and keep it off. I'll just forget it is there!

      Voted up and funny and by accident - useful!

      :)

      Miles of smiles coming your way, kiddo!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Drbj- The "do not swallow" diet plan. You are a genius.

      My husband was a musician in his younger years. He's told me about a lot of skinny girls on this plan. Wait, I think that may have been something completely different....

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      I have the answer, Sue, for how to lose weight

      without the serious options you postulate.

      With my secret plan you can eat as much as you want as often as you want. Anything. Ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, candy, pie, cake, doughnuts, healthy food, too, if you are so inclined. All you want whenever you want. You can eat, eat, eat and not gain weight.

      Want to know the secret?

      Just do not swallow!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- I believe California should be an island unto itself for exactly that reason. The midwest is tons less body conscious, hell, we only shave our legs to the knee, and we only do that during the summer!

      I'm 4 sizes bigger than I'd like to be, but in the midwest... I'm just "healthy".

      When it comes to clothing, we've got you covered.. if it doesn't fit, cut slits and add duct tape!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Sorry about the random twenty, I believe there may be some geographical limitations to my scheme. which totally makes sense. I'm surrounded by a million size negative one women, so I collect their cast off adipose - I think I need to move to the midwest or something.

      I believe that my cooking with butter may play a part. (A delicious part BTW)

      And that one size fits all - utter crap. Won't fit me...

      C

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- I feel your pain. I used to be able to drop weight like it was a sack of potatoes. "Ohh, I feel fat" BAM! 10 pounds gone. I hate people like me. You know the type, they sit down and squish their belly so they can pinch something, then thy're all like "ohh, look, see, I'm so fat!" It just makes me want to kick my former size 0 self! Oops, lookie there, I just did!

      I'm now in a "one t-shirt fits all". I feel ya! Every time I look in the mirror I tell that fat person that ate me that I would appreciate it if she would just please barf me back up.. or fart me out..either way would be fine!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- It's taken me several minutes to comment on your comment because I had to pick myself up off of the floor.( Rofl) The imagery is too much!

      I'll see what I can do to help you regain your former svelteness. I gained 20 pounds in the last year and a half... did that help you any, or was it someone else's random fat that flew to my hips?

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Mentalist- that is so true.

      Most people, however, who end up with eating disorders do so from lack of control issues more so than body image issues.

      It won't stop me from making fun, but it is sad. I've been there myself. Balance, and being mentally and physically healthy are the keys. I lose the keys sometimes, but I've got one of those beeper thingys now, so it's way easier to find them.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Susan-I believe you're the only one who's gotten it right! I like your DIET. I want to go to there!

      Thanks for the great comment!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Tip-haha, my dad always used to say he was on the "Seefood" diet. I've been trying to blindfold myself for several years now. I think I might prefer drinking my calories, though, the elliptical machine works for that too!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Breakfastpop- with recipes like the ones you dish out every morning, how can you do anything else BUT eat? Well, OK, we could drink too. :)

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      I don't understand how some people can lose 100+ pounds. I haven't even been able to lose 20. Whenever I lose one pound, two return to take its place. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

      Exercise works, but who has time? You have to exercise 25 hours a day to lose weight!

      Who needs clothes anyway? Just get a one size fits all housedress and live in the damm thing.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      I am so damn jolly, none of my pants fit. The stores don't sell the pants that do (they're like the clown shoe version of pants - and they're pretty damn jolly too.)

      The jollyness continues as your cuddly bits acquire cuddly bits and you look like a kid bundled up for snow play when naked, arms sticking out to the side uselessly. Strangely the arms still manage to shovel diet food into the mouth, which tastes like toxic waste but strangely enough isn't. (toxic or food)

      So I exercised. Broke things, didn't like it, and stopped.

      Found out that diet and exercise kill the jolly.

      What a quandary.

      Big mystery of the universe is solved though. When people say "I lost five pounds", I know exactly where it is. Yup. I have it.

      So...

      If everyone else would stop dieting and loosing weight, I would no longer find it, and I would return to former svelteness.

      That would make me truly jolly!

      C

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      The problem is some people do die losing weight as dieting has become a whole "Way Of Life Industry"???.;)

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Here I thought when someone told me to go on a diet that they were actually paying me a compliment

      Diverse

      Intelligent

      Excellent

      Tallented

      Did I ever get that wrong.....

      Sue Really liked this hub! I am opting for the larger clothes.

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 6 years ago from USA

      I love it!!

      I am on the see food diet...I eat all the food I see. I come from a family of large people. We love our rich food and our family time evolves around food. I have no hope for going on a diet. My cousin once told me, she would rather eat her calories than drink them. I guess I will have to go eat the candy bar while walking the eliptical. That way I can enjoy both.

      Great hub! Voted up!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      I say..Let's eat!!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Feline Prophet- I KNOW! It's actually my frustration at my sorry attempt at dieting that drove me to write this hub. I'm hoping what I learned can be useful to others attempting to diet.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 6 years ago

      Sigh...why is everything such hard work?

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      You topped me from the beginning. I was just trying to keep up! :O)

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      OK, so I can't top you!

      So what!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Will- interestingly enough, I'm on the "watch people who are on the potato chip diet and take notes" diet. Please, do let me know how it goes.

      (And yes, I'm sure there are waders outside your door for visitors!) haha!

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I'll bet you do! My family does the same around me!

      BTW, I'm on the potato chip diet...I'll update you as the pounds melt away.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Will- why, I do declare, I believe I may blush. :)

      I'm not surprised to see, however, that you understood my meaning. I put on rubber knee boots everyday.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Sorry sweetie, but I could never upstage the master.

      And yes, you are deep. Very deep

      Like hip-wader deep.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Will- I think a flea on the back of a dog could upstage me. Your comment is better than my entire hub. Dang you and your parachute... :)

      PS. I'm glad to see you appreciated the serious side of me as well. I'm deep. Very deep.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Finally, a serious Hub from you.

      My own guaranteed weight loss plan involves a parachute and the Sahara Desert, but I wouldn't want to upstage you.