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How to Ruin Any Relationship with Facebook in 5 Easy Steps!
Shut People Out of Your Life in No Time!
In this step-by-step tutorial, I am happy to teach you how to alienate, ridicule, and upset all of the most important people in your life. Has Grandma been annoying you too much lately? She just needs so much attention expecting a birthday card on her birthday! What about your best friends? Have they been nagging you about spending time with them? Wow, they sure are needy. Don't forget your boyfriend or girlfriend! Has your boyfriend offered to come by and make you dinner when you are sick? Geez, who needs that? You know how to use the microwave! Obviously, you have some really obnoxious people in your life.
So I know what you are thinking, "Jeannie, how can I ruin my relationships with everyone in my life? Is it possible to ditch my pesky friends and loved ones?" Why, yes. It is so simple. I will be happy to show you how to hurt everyone you know while using Facebook.
Step 1: Have a Facebook account and become friends with everyone in your life.
The first and most important step is to actually have a Facebook account. If you don't have one, you should totally sign up right away. You don't want to be left out on all the fun! Hey, everyone has an account, so you should have one, too. I mean, if everyone was jumping off a bridge, you would surely do so as well, right?
So now that you are on Facebook, "friend" all your friends, relatives, significant other(s), and co-workers. Once you've got everyone on board with you, this is when the fun begins. It is kind of like a big soup pot and it is time to stir in the excitement!
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Step 2: Start posting passive aggressive status updates.
For your next step, it is going to be totally fun to be subtle about the torture you are about to subject to everyone on your friend list. Make a statement aimed at some of your friends that will surely anger them. However, don't call them out by name and then deny you were ever talking about them if they confront you.
Here is a good example: "When you talk trash about me at Applebee's, it is going to come back to me. Some people need to watch their mouth."
What is so much fun about this is plenty of your friends have probably been to Applebee's lately. This status update could apply to many people. You have just pissed off a whole bunch of people and perhaps you just simply made up the entire scenario. Fun times! Make sure to post vague, rude status updates all week. You are bound to lose friends in no time!
Step 3: Make sure to insult everyone's photos and opinions.
When your friends or loved ones post comments, photos, links, etc., make sure to insult them. It doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree with their posts; just pretend you disagree with everything anyone posts. You can't just sit there and be nice, can you? You are not going to get rid of any of those pesky friends on your friend list without being a total jerk. So amp up the insults, especially for the most sensitive people in your life.
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Step 4: Foursquare is your friend.
If you are still reading this, obviously there are some people that really care about you and those people are willing to stick with you no matter what. It is going to take more work to get rid of them. If you are going to really anger the people closest to you, an awesome way to do it is to sign up with Foursquare and then link it to Facebook.
Foursquare is basically a way for people to stalk you. Every time you walk into an establishment, you check in with Foursquare. People can track you no matter where you go now. Hope you don't have a restraining order on a stalker or anything; it will be pretty impossible to ever hide from that person again.
At any rate, once you've got your Foursquare account going, make sure to let your friends and loved ones know you are just staying in for the night and can't see them. This works especially well with pesky girlfriends or boyfriends that geniunely want to spend time with you. After using the, "I'm too tired to go out" excuse, make sure to then go for an awesome night on the town! Check in with Foursquare everywhere you go so the person you just lied to can see all the fun you are having without him or her. You are bound to get a phone call soon, so make sure you just set the phone to vibrate. You are too busy checking in with Foursquare to answer your phone anyway!
Step 5: Make sure to post some photos.
Now that you are on a roll, make sure to posts photo as proof of all the great times you are enjoying. If at all possible, pose with some friends in the photos that your boyfriend or girlfriend never liked anyway. Oh, that is right... you don't have any friends left anymore, so that is cool. Just pose with a bartender. Make sure to cuddle right up to the bartender if he or she is really attractive, too. Bonus points if you make your girlfriend or boyfriend cry!
While you are at it, you don't want to have those annoying relatives stay in your life either, so make sure to find some old, embarrassing photos to post on Facebook. Scan them into your computer if need be. After you've posted the photos, do make sure to tag each one. If you have old wedding photos for friends and family members, but the divorce occurred long ago, these are perfect photos to post, too. You phone must be ringing off the hook right now from angry friends and loved ones.
Enjoy the Silence
Oh, the solitude you must be experiencing right now. Friends and relatives - who needs them anyway? I can only imagine all the good times you are having playing solitaire, eating alone, and sleeping by yourself. You didn't need all those people in your life anyway!
Now is the time to take a nice long look in the mirror at the amazing person that managed to ruin every relationship just by using one website. You are awesome... alone, but totally awesome. Thanks, Facebook! Oh, and let's give a shout out to Foursquare, too. Privacy is totally overrated anyway!
Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle
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