A Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
6 Tips: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse(at least getting past day one)
You wake up one morning after a good nights rest, put on your kitty slippers, and wrap yourself in a soft robe before sluggishly making your way to the kitchen. As you begin to brew your morning cup of joe, the sound of sirens suddenly fill the air. Glancing outside sipping on your warm espresso you see in the gold morning sky an unusual number of planes, but besides that all is well on Smiley Cherry avenue.
"Perhaps there as an accident on the main highway. It does get hectic in the mornings. Dumbasses...oh well. "
Going back to the kitchen scratching your ass to check up on the morning news you notice every channel on television is broadcasting on "emergence alert".
"Hmm...maybe Billy Bob knows what's going on. That guy knows everything...jerk."
Unfortunately trying to call Bob with your iPhone 9g/waffle maker and home phone doesn't work, all the lines are busy. Suddenly you hear a pounding on your door. As you peer through the peep hole of the front door, you see Billy Bob's face.
"What does that jerk want at this hour! Knocking at my door, how rude!"
You open the door and are shocked at what you see. Bob is completely naked wearing only one black sock on his left foot. His arms come flying at you and since you were too busy staring at his junk he grabs you by the throat and bites into your neck.
"Bob! I know I'm not married or have a girlfriend, but I'm not into this sort of stuff, seriously!"
Fortunately for you neither is Bob. As you struggle to get away more people start to flood into the house. The blood from your neck spilling onto the ground causes you to slip resulting in the mob to get a hold of you.
As the mob begins to feast on your body, you have a moment of relief knowing Bob wasn't trying to come onto you, but the reality of the situation hit you like a brick. Zombies!
"Ah crap, someone let the zombies out again..jerks. I hope the blood doesn't stain my carpet."
A few minutes later you wake up all alone with an ache in your back. Only one thought comes to mind- brains. You stagger out into the morning sun and begin you new life as a zombie.
The moral of this story is don't be a dumbass. Had this guy prepared himself with the knowledge and know-how to survive in the zombie apocalypse he would be sitting comfortable in his safe house sipping on his cup of joe. Now he's out with naked zombie Bob feasting on other ill prepared people. Fortunately for you I've complied 6 easy to remember tips to help you survive the zombie apocalypse(or at least make it past day one).
Identify the enemy
It's not too hard to spot your average run-of-the-mill zombie. A missing limb, half a face, intestines spilling out of their stomach, or a random naked hot chick approaching you in the street is usually an indicator. However, the zombification process usually takes an hours for infected victims to turn so those hiding their cuts or scratches are the most dangerous. Just wait until nobody is looking and then blast the would be zombie away, blame it on "faulty" equipment. It wasn't me.
Don't be a sissy girl
It's easy to loose your head when your mom is eating Uncle Joe. The key to surviving in a post zombie apocalyptic world is to keep your wits about you. You can do this by grounding yourself in the situation and coming to terms with reality. So yea, mom is eating Uncle Joe, but he probably deserves it. I'm sure human tastes good, maybe like chicken. Who hasn't thought of eating Uncle Joe.
So Mom is a zombie, and soon Joe will turn, how will I take them out? Well, you're probably think about blasting them away with a shotgun or magnum, but unfortunately this isn't Hollywood and few people have firearms. But any blunt, sharp, or pointy object will do just fine. Check the tool shed for shovels, chainsaws, and hammers. Try the kitchen for a nice butcher knife or a really pointy long fork. Even little Susie's ballet trophy will do just fine, don't worry zombies aren't worried about past achievements.
We all know everyone can't be an expert zombie survivalist and it's likely 99.99% of the worlds population will be zombified. If we've learned one thing about zombie movies it's that everyone died because they decided to go looking for a safer location and ended up getting overwhelmed by mobs of zombies, as if a mall full of free clothing, games, electronics and food wasn't good enough, pshh! Finding a good location fully stocked with enough food to last you for a few months should be at the top of your "To-Live list". Going to a mall, grocery store, or surplus outlet will do just find. Hiding in the bathroom, under a bed, or pretending to be a zombie won't last you very long( some zombies communicate through echolocation, like dolphins). Make sure to barricade all the entrances from a possible horde attack. Once you know everything is tightly sealed, just sit back, relax and breath in the sweet smell of freedom...and death and decay.
Don't be a hero
We all have dreams of being the guy who ends up saving the hot chick, rescuing the drowning boy, or saving the kitten from the tree. But the reality of it is that there are too many zombies to fight. There is only one of you and about 6 billion zombies out there and fighting them all isn't possible. If Aunt Patty went back to get her cat Muffins and ended up getting trapped by zombies, too bad! Don't risk your life because she was too dumb to realize that saving the cat wasn't worth her life, and besides you would had ended up eating Muffins anyways. Don't risk your life for dumbasses, which leads me to my last point.
Don't be a dumbass
If you see someone rip open a mans face, eat his brains, and then that de-brained man starts to walk towards you, he isn't alright- he's a freaking zombie. Don't try to see if a person is dead, because he's either dead dead, which he doesn't need any help, or he's about to turn into a zombie. And if you remember anything from zombie movies it's when the guy goes over to the "dead" guy to see if he's alright and then gets his face ripped opened for being curious. If you know you're not the smartest guy in your group don't talk, just handle the guns and wait for someone else to suggest what to do. If you're all dumb well then becoming a zombie isn't too much of an IQ drop for you.
Hopefully you will remember these tips when the zombie apocalypse comes. If you don't take anything from this at least remember you have a choice, you can be human or a zombie. If you choose to be human you can still live a somewhat normal life, as long as your neighbor zombies allow it. However if you choose to be a zombie at least you won't be alone. If you can't beat them, join them!