Dieting my way
don't look like this.
Dieting my way, It might be the right way for you too.
Ok, let me start off by letting you know that I am not an expert on dieting, fitness, getting into shape, and exercise. I am an expert on procrastiantion though. I am in shape, it's oval to round. I diet, by eating whatever I want to. I exercise by typing on here, reaching for the remote control, or by getting off the couch for a drink.
I have bought many exercise dvd's and tapes, everyone of them has been put into the player one time and forgot about. I have bought many exercise machines and equipment, so if you are in the market to buy any of this stuff, I have plenty to choose from.
Now,I know that I should try to loose a few pounds, or twenty. I should be more concerned with my overall health and well being. I should diet and exercise, but that probably is not going to happen. Actually I'm sure it isn't going to happen. So In this hub I will share my excuses for not dieting, excercising or becoming a healthier person. I will also share tips on how to hide that pudge.
Here's a few excuse and that you should feel free to use.
1. Kids overseas are starving, so I have to clean my plate.
2. If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, then it doesn't count as being eaten. (this is a popular choice of an excuse for cheating spouses.)
3. If you drink a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the diet soda will cancel out the calories of the candy bar. (this applies to all food eaten with a diet soda.)
4. Make sure to feed your friends plenty of high fat foods as they will become fatter and thus make you look thinner.
5. Never weigh yourself with wet hair, as the weight from the wet hair could add extra poundage.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut.
7. Eat foods high in preservatives as preservatives help you look younger.
8. Tell yourself daily that you are not overweight, you are just undertall.
9. It's really expensive to buy new clothes, so stay the weight you are.
10. French fries are a vegetable!
A Diet Prayer
Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be sated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.
And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe--size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
Author: Victor Buono
Don't let this happen to you.
My tips for hiding pudge
- Wear two pairs of control top pantyhose.
- Wear spandex at every opportunity. Spandex is your friend.
- Wear oversized clothing.
- Dump your skinny friends. You don't need them, you have food!
If you feel that you must diet after all the help that I have given you in your quest to not join the dieting masses then may I suggest this diet to you.