Hubbing Addiction: Introducing Candyman Hubberpants and a Quick Fix
There have been many hubs written about people being addicted to hubbing. It’s a condition that is now widely recognized and all that’s left is for a psychiatrist to give it a name and for a pharmaceutical company to make a pill. The problem is that true hub addicts don’t want a cure, we need a fix. That’s right, and don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about.
Hub addicts begin experiencing withdrawal from the very moment they step away from the computer, and this causes a wide range of very nasty symptoms. However, I’m not going to spend time detailing the symptoms of addiction and withdrawal, I’ve linked those hubs for you to read when you’re willing to acknowledge you have issues with hubbing. What I’m going to focus on is the quick fix for times when you’re unable to hub and you need to hub.
The holidays are a difficult time for a person addicted to hubbing. There are constant demands placed on us to not be at the computer so that we can participate in festive things. But this can be true all year round. My family is becoming increasingly concerned over my haggard appearance and mental stability. I’m often forced to pry my fingers away from the keyboard so that I can pretend to be normal again. Pretending to be normal is very difficult when your fingers are shaped like claws from nonstop typing, your eyes are bugging out of your head, and your hair looks like caveman hair.
These are times when what I really need is a fix - a quick fix to keep those nasty withdrawal symptoms under control. Luckily, I found the answer during one of my late night trips to the corner store to buy energy drinks so that I could continue my ritual of staying up all night to hub in secret. Evidently, I’m not alone in my hub addiction and reliance on energy drinks, because on this particular night, I noticed a shady but rather attractive man standing by the drink coolers.
He was leaning casually against the end cooler with a red fedora tipped downwards nearly covering one eye. His zebra print coat was open exposing lots of bling, and I noticed a very flashy pimp cane in his hand. As I opened the cooler that contains the Red Bull, yes I’m into the heavy stuff, I heard him whispering, “Psst, hey lady…psst, lady…you lookin’ to score some hubs?”
He immediately had my attention. My body was in full withdrawal mode. I was shaking and on the verge of a near seizure when he motioned with his head for me to follow him out the back door. Once we were out in the alley behind the trash dumpster littered with snoozing winos, he opened his plush zebra coat where a plethora of hubs bulged from the pockets in the lining. My hand impulsively reached out to grab one, and he swiftly smacked it away with his pimp cane. I regained my senses enough to ask him who he was, “Are you like a hub dealer?” His answer was swift, “I’m a dealer and a pimp…I pimp writers and I push hubs.” He told me his writer hoes and clients call him: Candyman Hubberpants.
My dreams had come true. This angel in a zebra coat capable of wielding a pimp cane like a ninja sword was willing to sell hubs to help me during all those times when my family has me tied up in the closet. We got right down to business as he pointed out each piece of hub candy and described the content and price:
Ragweed - $10.00: This type of hub will only satisfy your need to click the ‘publish’ button, and the current available subjects are multiple variations of “Hot Indian Chicks.” You won’t get any attention or respect from fellow hubbers, but you will get a quick fix by being able to publish something.
Homegrown - $20.00: Garden variety hubs with 2 to 3 paragraphs, a few random pics, and maybe a video. Again, this is a quick fix that might also generate a little traffic.
Homegrown Gold - $30.00: This is the same as homegrown, but each hub is laced with a catchy title to draw in a few curious people.
Black Beauty - $50.00: These hubs are mass generated for the sole purpose of creating controversy leading to zillions of comments and page views. It’ll create an adrenaline rush that’ll keep you speeding for days on end as comments from angry readers come pouring in for you to respond to. Anti-Christ hubs are really hot.
Crystal Skull - $100.00: Very entertaining hubs that can be serious or funny, and we take extra effort to include relevant pictures and videos to add credibility and interest. These are designed to allow you to pick up a few fans, get googled at least 25 times a day, and each one provides a good buzz of quality comments.
White Dragon - $250.00: Guaranteed to be Hot! Best! hubs for at least a week. This is the ultimate hub high you can buy. Your hub score will skyrocket, your fans will swoon, and you’ll be busy for weeks answering comments. Fellow hubbers will love you, strangers will want to love you, women will weep with joy, men will scratch their balls with satisfied elation, and teenagers will say, “OMG! WTF?”
*All hubs are available on CD or as typed paper copies.
My choice was easy. I didn't have enough cash for a Crystal Skull or a White Dragon, and I didn't think I could pull those off anyway. I'm allergic to Ragweed, so I scored several Homegrown Golds and shuffled back home. Hopefully these will tide me over through the holidays.
Another solution if you're too shy to score hubs from the Candyman.
I originally got the idea for this hub after reading Shirley Anderson’s hub about hubaholics, but I ditched the notion quickly because I wasn’t sure about the direction I would take the subject. However, Rockinjoe recently published a hot hub and the idea was sparked again. After days and days of seeing his hub dominating hubtivity and drawing me in every day to read comments, I found myself wanting to leave a comment saying, “Hey Joe, psst, Joe…can I score a hub from you?” From there Candyman Hubberpants was born.
Links About Hub Addiction
- Are You a Problem Hubber?
How is HubPages like Cheers? When you become a regular, everybody knows your (user) name. Like Cheers visitors, HubPage participants experience a heady sense of camaraderie and fulfillment. But there's no...
- House Cleaning, Errands, etc. and Hubpages
I would like to share with you the conflict I find between cleaning my house or interacting on HubPages. I had a conversation with my besf friend this morning, and part of our conversation touched on 'other...
- Hubbers Anonymous
Are you suffering from hub addiction? Learn to spot the warning signs that your hubbing life is out of control and how you and your family can cope with your depillitating obsession with HubPages. Hubaholics unite!