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Humorous TV Quotes

Updated on March 16, 2008

"I reek, therefore I am."

-Diane Chambers- Cheers


"Love makes you do funny things. It made me get married."

-Buddy Sorrel- The Dick Van Dyke Show


Frank: "Don't you understand? The man is not normal."

Hawkeye: "Whats's normal Frank?"

Frank: "Normal is everybody doing the same thing."

Trapper: "What about individuality?"

Frank: "Well, individuality is fine. As long as we do it together."



99: "Oh, Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction."

Max: "Yes. You know, China, Russia, and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it."

99: "What if they won't?"

Max: "Then we may have to blast them. That's the only way to keep peace in the world."

-Get Smart


Jack: "She's pure and wholesome and virtuous. Whatever happened to girls like that?"

Janice: "They all go out with guys like you."

-Three's Company


"There are two things I won't do for money. I won't kill for it and I won't marry for it. Other than that, I'm open to about anything."

-Jim- The Rockford Files


Edith: "Do you like bein' alone with me?"

Archie: "Certainly I like being alone with you. What's on television?"

-All in the Family


"Son, stay clear of weddings because one of them is liable to be your own."

-Pappy Maverick- Maverick


"Well Beaver, this may hard for you to believe, but life isn't exactly like television."

-Ward Cleaver- Leave it to Beaver


Groucho: "Are you married Georgette?"

Georgette: "Yes, I've been married to the same man for 31 years."

Groucho: "Well if he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man."

-You Bet your Life


George: "Gracie, what do you think of Television?"

Gracie: "I think it's wonderful, I hardly ever watch radio anymore."

-Burns and Allen


John: "I try to eat only natural things."

Louie: "How'd you like a sack of dirt?"

- Taxi


Coach Ernie: "How's life Norm?"

Norm: "It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."



Clerk: "You know what the fastest way to a man's heart is?"

Roseanne: "Yeah. Through his chest!"



"Why can't they invent something for us to marry instead of women?"

-Fred Flintstone


"I havent had much experience saying 'No' to a women. The closest I've ever come is 'Not now, we're landing.' "

-Sam -Cheers


"This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger."

-David Letterman


"Men are such idiots, and I married their King."

-Peg- Married with Children


"It's been proven through hostory that wimmin's a mystery."



"There's a time to be Daniel Boone, and there's a time to be a plumber."



"You know, if Michelangelo had used me as a model, theres' no telling how far he could have gone."

- Herman- The Munsters


"Wanna do something courageous? Come to my house and say to my mother-in-law, 'You're wrong fatso!' "

-Buddy - The Dick Van Dyke Show


"City women is spoiled rotten. All they think about is smearin' themselves with beauty grease. Fancy smellin' renderin's. Why, if you was to hug one of'em, she'd squirt out of yore arms like a prune pit!"

-Granny- The Beverly Hillbillies


Fred: "Didn't you learn anything being my son? Who do you think I'm doing this all for?"

Lamont: "Yourself."

Fred: Yeah, you learned something."

-Sanford and Son


"Death is just natures way of telling you, 'Hey you're not alive anymore.' "

-Bull -Night Court


"I've never felt closer to a group of people. Not even in the portable johns of Woodstock."

-Rev. Jim- Taxi


"Abracadabra, the guy's a cadaver."

-David- Moonlighting


"Culture is like spinach. Once you forget it's good for you, you can relax and enjoy it."

-Uncle Martin- My Favorite Martian


"I am your Father. I brought you into this world and I can take you out/"

-Cliff- The Cosby Show


"Virgins don't lie."

-Fonzie- Happy Days


"Another outburst like this and I'm gonna handcuff your lips together."

-Sgt. Wojohowicz- Barney Miller


"I love my blubber. It keeps me warm, it keeps me company, it keeps my pants up."

- Oscar- The Odd Couple


"I'm an experienced women; I've been around......Well, all right, I might not have been around, but I've been......nearby."

-Mary- The Mary Tyler Moore Show


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