ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Crap! I Smell Like An Onion!

Updated on March 20, 2011

Okay girls, don't be so prissy!  We all sweat.  Yes we do.  So we roll on, spray on, slather on, and frolic around in deodorants, antiperspirants, perfume, cologne, body spray...  Even vanilla extract while we're cooking.  (Well it has happened). 

And yet, we sweat.  No matter how hard we try, good ol' Mother Nature comes along, sometimes with really bad timing, to remind us of our animal aspects. 

No we don't have musk glands!  But we have, each of us, our unique body chemistry that produces unique body smells.  And I'm sorry to say, not even Channel # 5 can mask what we really are 100% of the time!

Oh the nose... that delicate honker protruding off the front of our faces!  With two holes, not one, to render us shamed, tightly gripping our arms closer to our bodies than they have been since we were in the womb!  It twitches at first, as we think, "Is someone cooking?  Here at the P.T.A. meeting"?

Or we recoil from what we believe to be our friend's breath, until she asks, "Did you have onions in your salad"? 

Oh know!  Realization sets in!  The sknuck in the group is me!! 

I shaved my hairy pits!  I fumagated the area!  What IS the deal?

So thoughts like "If I leave early and the smell leaves with me, everyone will know I stink"!  Then going to the restroom to "freshen up" becomes iffy.  Because even that short break could point to you as the rotten apple.  What to do, what to do?

Well first, go ahead and plan your letter to the company who produces your antiperspirant!  That's a given.  Get ready to give them a piece of your mind!  Plan on promising you will NEVER buy their product again, and stear all your friends away from them too! 

No.... wait!  You can't bring this up to your friends.  How could you possibly say, "Well... I noticed how bad I stank the other evening...."  That would never do!

Oh gosh, I may be forever known as "Onion Pit"! 

Good greif!  Here comes ol' busy body So-n-So.  She's like the local private eye on everyone's tail, and looking for juicy gossip!  Slip on the sweater.  A different kind of layer of protection. 

Man!  It's hot in here!  Is my make-up melting?  I feel sweat running down my sides.  Great! 

Okay, this little meeting is starting to break up.  Be the next to the last one out the door.  Remain calm and graceful.  Smile, and don't wipe the beads of sweat from your forehead.  Stay calm.  Wave bye-bye.

Crap, I need another shower! 



    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Just Life 6 years ago

      Carlon Michelle, I'm so glad you got a laugh out of this!

      Thanks so much for coming by!

    • Carlon Michelle profile image

      Carlon Michelle 6 years ago from USA

      I'd write something but I can't stop laughing.

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

      This as hilarious, because it happens to most of us. Loved it. You had a wonderful knack of using the right words to make something , embarrassing ----funny.

      Thank you.

    • meow48 profile image

      meow48 6 years ago from usa

      garsh, only menopausal women seem to know this, and the truth is until then, sweat takes on a whole nother meaning.... i had one in front of one of the gyn mds at work and was used as a learning tool for the med students... yeah, that was special. thankyou for this hub, it was soooooo true. and thanks for following me.

    • agaglia profile image

      agaglia 7 years ago

      You did it. You wrote a hub about something people are not willing to talk about.

      good job. Oh Yes. I agree with Poohgranma - wait until menopause!

    • Poohgranma profile image

      Poohgranma 7 years ago from On the edge

      Oh hun, wait till you hit menopause ... you haven't seen anything yet. Hair plastered to your head and sweat dripping off your nose, in the freezer section at the grocery store, yet.

      Very cute and maybe not so funny to some write. I laughed a lot though!