I'm going to Hell!
A little taste of Hell
Seriously, I'm pretty excited about it.
I went to church today. I had never been to a real church before and thought it was about time. I’d been to a fish fry once, and they said a prayer… but I don’t think that counts.
It was an odd experience to say the least. First, there was a lot of talk about this fellow, Jesus. I’m not sure who he was, but I felt pretty bad for him. First off, his real dad wasn’t around to raise him. His step dad seemed pretty cool, though, so that was good. When he was born, no one brought him rattlers and binkies and soft stuffed animals, they gave him frankincense, myrrh and some friggin’ gold bars. You can’t play with that stuff. As a matter of fact, if the bars were small enough, and they probably were (gold bars can be heavy to cart around ) it was actually a choking hazard. Poor baby Jesus.
Then they talked about Jesus after he was all grown up. They said something about him healing people and giving them food and wine and then the people turning around and killing him. I’m thinking the wine may have been a bad idea.
It was OK, though, because after a few days of rest, the killing didn’t take, and so he was good to go. I’m not sure where he went but it must be like a great resort or something because everyone else wanted to go there too.
Then we had intermission. Intermission is when they give you stuff to eat and drink. I had no idea church people could be so thoughtful. It does make you hungry and thirsty to sit there so long doing nothing but listen to some guy talk about some other guy. Anyway, these nice men came around and handed me a plate of crackers. They were broken, but I was real nice and didn’t comment on that fact. I grabbed a handful and passed the plate on. The guy next to me looked at me funny, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he was surprised I didn’t say anything about the crackers being in pieces. He followed my lead and didn’t say anything either. What a nice guy!
Then, about the time the crackers were starting to make me really thirsty, here came the same guys with some grape juice. They were so thoughtful! Wow! When I picked up one of those little cups, I realized it wasn’t grape juice it was wine. SCORE!! I’m thinking this makes all kinds of sense. Jesus made wine, now they want to know if we like wine, and how much we can drink. I figured the more you drink, the more you’re showing your appreciation. Well, I appreciate wine very much, so I downed all 15 of those shots in no time.
The guy holding the plate looked mad. I probably beat his record. No guy likes to get shown up by a girl. I smiled and gave him the thumbs up sign. He walked away. Some people are just sore losers.
After intermission the same guy, known as “preacher” got back up, only this time he was waving his arms around and holding a book. He was getting really worked up about something. I couldn’t make out everything he said, (I’m not good at translating from Thee’s and Thou’s to proper English ) but I did make out the word hell.
Hell, a great place to visit... but you might not want to live there.
Off to Hell we go!
Now, I’m not exactly sure what hell is since they didn’t mention it at the fish fry, but apparently it is some place that this preacher man gets really excited about. Oh, and from what I could tell, it’s really warm there too.
It must be a vacation spot, kind of like the resort where Jesus went. I guess the people were a little split over where to go for their church trip. The preacher kept asking if the people in the church wanted to go to Hell. The people kept yelling, “NO!”… but that didn’t stop the man from asking over and over. Hell must be an awesome place if he wouldn't give up after being out voted!
After the preacher man finally accepted the majority vote on the vacation spot, a lady got up. She had everyone pick up these books, then she smiled and said something about making a joyful noise. Another lady sat at a piano and began to play music and sing. Then everyone around me began smiling and singing too. I couldn’t help but think I was glad they were happy about it because the noise I heard was just painful.
I started to sing “Zip It Dee Doo Dah” since the theme was joyful stuff, and as far as I could tell no one was singing the same thing, so it must not matter. People looked, but they didn’t stop singing their own thing, so I knew I made the right choice. I will say, that was totally fun!
After church was over we all filed out of the church real orderly like. There was a line of people saying goodbye to us. I couldn’t believe how thoughtful that was. There was preacher man at the end of the line, telling everyone he hoped to see them again soon. When I got up there, however, preacher man grabbed my hand and pulled me in real close like he was going to hug me… but he didn’t. Instead he whispered in my ear “If I ever see you back here you’re going to hell”.
I thought it was really nice of him to offer to send me where he really wanted to go, and I told him so. When you think something good about someone you really should tell them.
I’m not sure why, but preacher man did not appreciate my thoughtfulness. He got really red in the face and started spluttering. I’ve never seen someone splutter…another first for me! Finally this nice, quiet-type woman next to him guided me forward out of the church door and said, “We have church once a year, we’ll see you next time, honey.”
I told her I was looking forward to it as they had great wine. And you know what… I meant it! From now on you can just call me “Sue the churchgoer who’s saving up to go to hell.” Nice. I like that.