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I'm going to Hell!

Updated on June 30, 2013

A little taste of Hell

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Seriously, I'm pretty excited about it.

I went to church today. I had never been to a real church before and thought it was about time. I’d been to a fish fry once, and they said a prayer… but I don’t think that counts.

It was an odd experience to say the least. First, there was a lot of talk about this fellow, Jesus. I’m not sure who he was, but I felt pretty bad for him. First off, his real dad wasn’t around to raise him. His step dad seemed pretty cool, though, so that was good. When he was born, no one brought him rattlers and binkies and soft stuffed animals, they gave him frankincense, myrrh and some friggin’ gold bars. You can’t play with that stuff. As a matter of fact, if the bars were small enough, and they probably were (gold bars can be heavy to cart around ) it was actually a choking hazard. Poor baby Jesus.

Then they talked about Jesus after he was all grown up. They said something about him healing people and giving them food and wine and then the people turning around and killing him. I’m thinking the wine may have been a bad idea.

It was OK, though, because after a few days of rest, the killing didn’t take, and so he was good to go. I’m not sure where he went but it must be like a great resort or something because everyone else wanted to go there too.


After reading this article, I realize I was wrong about the "more is better"... oops.
After reading this article, I realize I was wrong about the "more is better"... oops. | Source

Intermission

Then we had intermission. Intermission is when they give you stuff to eat and drink. I had no idea church people could be so thoughtful. It does make you hungry and thirsty to sit there so long doing nothing but listen to some guy talk about some other guy. Anyway, these nice men came around and handed me a plate of crackers. They were broken, but I was real nice and didn’t comment on that fact. I grabbed a handful and passed the plate on. The guy next to me looked at me funny, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he was surprised I didn’t say anything about the crackers being in pieces. He followed my lead and didn’t say anything either. What a nice guy!

Then, about the time the crackers were starting to make me really thirsty, here came the same guys with some grape juice. They were so thoughtful! Wow! When I picked up one of those little cups, I realized it wasn’t grape juice it was wine. SCORE!! I’m thinking this makes all kinds of sense. Jesus made wine, now they want to know if we like wine, and how much we can drink. I figured the more you drink, the more you’re showing your appreciation. Well, I appreciate wine very much, so I downed all 15 of those shots in no time.

The guy holding the plate looked mad. I probably beat his record. No guy likes to get shown up by a girl. I smiled and gave him the thumbs up sign. He walked away. Some people are just sore losers.

After intermission the same guy, known as “preacher” got back up, only this time he was waving his arms around and holding a book. He was getting really worked up about something. I couldn’t make out everything he said, (I’m not good at translating from Thee’s and Thou’s to proper English ) but I did make out the word hell.


My Vacation in Hell... See... I wasn't the only one!
My Vacation in Hell... See... I wasn't the only one! | Source

Hell, a great place to visit... but you might not want to live there.

Off to Hell we go!

Now, I’m not exactly sure what hell is since they didn’t mention it at the fish fry, but apparently it is some place that this preacher man gets really excited about. Oh, and from what I could tell, it’s really warm there too.

It must be a vacation spot, kind of like the resort where Jesus went. I guess the people were a little split over where to go for their church trip. The preacher kept asking if the people in the church wanted to go to Hell. The people kept yelling, “NO!”… but that didn’t stop the man from asking over and over. Hell must be an awesome place if he wouldn't give up after being out voted!

After the preacher man finally accepted the majority vote on the vacation spot, a lady got up. She had everyone pick up these books, then she smiled and said something about making a joyful noise. Another lady sat at a piano and began to play music and sing. Then everyone around me began smiling and singing too. I couldn’t help but think I was glad they were happy about it because the noise I heard was just painful.

I started to sing “Zip It Dee Doo Dah” since the theme was joyful stuff, and as far as I could tell no one was singing the same thing, so it must not matter. People looked, but they didn’t stop singing their own thing, so I knew I made the right choice. I will say, that was totally fun!

After church was over we all filed out of the church real orderly like. There was a line of people saying goodbye to us. I couldn’t believe how thoughtful that was. There was preacher man at the end of the line, telling everyone he hoped to see them again soon. When I got up there, however, preacher man grabbed my hand and pulled me in real close like he was going to hug me… but he didn’t. Instead he whispered in my ear “If I ever see you back here you’re going to hell”.

I thought it was really nice of him to offer to send me where he really wanted to go, and I told him so. When you think something good about someone you really should tell them.

I’m not sure why, but preacher man did not appreciate my thoughtfulness. He got really red in the face and started spluttering. I’ve never seen someone splutter…another first for me! Finally this nice, quiet-type woman next to him guided me forward out of the church door and said, “We have church once a year, we’ll see you next time, honey.”

I told her I was looking forward to it as they had great wine. And you know what… I meant it! From now on you can just call me “Sue the churchgoer who’s saving up to go to hell.” Nice. I like that.

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    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 5 years ago from Indiana

      lol!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      The sleeper doesn't have a flap in the back, either. Drats! Shoulda known I was getting a raw deal when I called the number in the TV ad that said: "Call in the next 30 seconds and get another sleeper FREE!"... lol!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 5 years ago from Indiana

      You're from the North and don't have the portable pee-bottle for zipper-sleeper? I'm shocked.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Sue, I was only kidding about the sleeper. Too hard to get out of when one has to pee! But I do have one particular blanket I'm really fond of and only put away in the hottest part of summer. ;D

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 5 years ago from Indiana

      I lived in Caribou, Maine for a couple of years... you have a valid point. Hell CAN be cold! :)

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      You must be from SOUTHERN Indiana, not from anywhere near the Michigan border...or Western Kansas. Seriously now, I don't go anywhere that's not cool enough at night to sleep all zipped up in my adult-size fuzzy, footed sleeper. ;D

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 5 years ago from Indiana

      LOL!I don't know, is it still Hell if it's cold?

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Ours rooms will have A/C, right? lol!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 5 years ago from Indiana

      Thank you so much! This was the most fun to write so far. I was a little worried at first about the feedback, but it seems as though I'm not the only one going to Hell. As a matter of fact, there's such a large group of us that we're getting discounted hotel pricing. I can hook you up if you like.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Bravo, Sue! Kelly Umphenour pimped this on Facebook, so here I am. ROTFLMAO!!!!! Can't imagine how I wasn't aware of this hub before now. I LOVE poking fun at the "fire and brimstone" crowd, as I'm sure that Jesus guy would too if he ever attended one of their services. They take themselves wayyyyyyyyyyy too seriously!

      Voted up, awesome and funny (only because HP has never seen fit to have a "hysterical!" or "falling down laughing" category)! ;D

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      James- It's true. There's so much yukky stuff out there, humor makes life (to me) a little more palatable.

      Thank you for seeing the humor and laughing with me!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Pixienot- Thanks. I don't think I'll have to wait. There are a lot of things happening in the world right now that I've heard would only happen when hell froze over, so I'm thinking it must be pretty cool right now!

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

      Very funny. It helps to laugh at the human condition. We just can't be serious all the time. :)

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Laughing so hard! Kiddo you were so right, this was funny. This is a great hub! Your best ever! Proud of you!

      I suggest you look more carefully at the trip to Hell. Might just be you want to take it at a later time. When the temp cools down. LOL LOL LOL

      Voted up, awesome and funny!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Attempted(and always achieved)humor-Yes, a lot of people want to try out that vacation spot. I'm kind of excited! You should totally come, I think everyone we know is going to be there.. except secularist, he got a free ticket to where all the people in church were going, I'm trying to talk him into changing the destination, but no word as of yet!

      "So well done for pulling it off in style"... I don't think I've ever had such a great compliment. Thank you!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chouji-Von-Lycan- thank you for reading this and commenting. Thank you also for the follow!

      I checked out your hubs and am following you as well... your avatar is intriguing!

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Hell, oops i meant well. You are a brave, or naive soul but i think the amount of comments means you will have a lot of company on the way down. You have to take risks with humour, it's part of the script. So well done for pulling it off in style.

    • Chouji-Von-Lycan profile image

      Chouji-Von-Lycan 6 years ago

      lmao, that was awesome, thank you for writing this :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      ShortStory- I'm so glad it was only "slightly overdone", I've been known to burn stuff!

      Thank you so much for stopping by, and thank you for the "clever". I'm not all that bright, so a "clever" from someone is kind of a big deal!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      secularist- Tequila instead of wine?? Point me in the general direction, I want to show my dedication!

      Thank you for thinking I have a shot at keeping anyone entertained. That was so nice of you. I'd love to see you in hell, but a little birdie told me someone's already booked your passage elsewhere... I think it was the Bahamas.

    • profile image

      ShortStory 6 years ago

      Slightly overdone, but clever.

    • secularist10 profile image

      secularist10 6 years ago from New York City

      I'm glad there will be people as funny as you to keep me entertained in hell.

      I think I heard of a Mexican church where they use tequila instead of wine. I can only imagine what those Russian orthodox services are like! SCORE!!

      I'll see you in hell, sueroy...

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Bill yon- Everyone needs to watch someone else seal their fate every now and then.

      I seal mine twice a day. You're always welcome to come watch me crash and burn! :)

      Thank you so much for stopping by. Thanks for saying it was funny too, that always makes my day!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- Thank you. :)

    • bill yon profile image

      bill yon 6 years ago from sourcewall

      This was really funny thanx because I really needed this today!!!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Sue - I really meant it and so it is deserved. No if's, ands or butts:) lol!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- You are too kind. I know I don't deserve that kind of praise, but I'm grateful for it just the same. :O)

      Thank you!!

      P.S. The bonus I can understand! :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Sue - I am a loyal fan AND follower:) lol! I can't help it with the likes of you! Then there is your little bonus - Chelsea. I loved being entertained by you witty women:)!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- thank you for being such a patient and prolific stalker!

      Bugslady- Thank you so much!

    • bugslady8949 profile image

      bugslady8949 6 years ago from The Bahamas

      you did a great job on this hub, keep up the good work!!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Yup,I can wait for good surprises!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Mercredi- They water down the rum??? I may have to rethink this whole thing.

    • Mercredi profile image

      Mercredi 6 years ago

      Your not serious! Hell is a terrible place full of all kinds of agonizing torture. It's like a resort in Cuba. Instead of real Coca-Cola, they give you this cheap Mexican stuff. And the rum is watered down. And they put too much chlorine in the pool!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Sagbee- Thanks... and thank you for stopping by! I checked out your hubs, and see that you know what SEO is... congratulations! SEO is a weird and elusive thing that makes MY brain hurt!

      I look forward to learning from YOU!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I hope so!

    • sagbee profile image

      sagbee 6 years ago from Delhi

      It is hilarious. I am looking forward to learn more from you.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      You know you'll be laughing when you are writing it! Ha! Take your time, I'm a patient stalker;)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- Thanks, no pressure... :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Oh sueroy I am smiling with excitement - I can't wait to see what you have cooked up for us next! I know you'll have me in complete stitches. And with a mind like yours - I just can't guess where it's going - I like that!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- you do have a good point. I had some doozies ready for you! :O)

      Glad you're going to stick around here instead!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      LOL sueroy - it sounds like so much fun! I almost want to take you up on that! But then - knowing you, I would be doing penance for a long, long time! They make you say the whole darn Rosary, Hail Mary's and Our Fathers - I know you know this! Lol! I would never have time to read hubs. RealHo would miss you all too much:)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Stclairjack- ROFL! I LOVE the thought of causing sadistic giggling (a first), and of Martha Stewart hanging around Hell. I hope they have her working in the (well organized) soup kitchen. (I don't want to have to hang out with her.)

      I was going to get Letters from the Earth from our local library... but they don't have it. I'm not sure, but I think that means they're also going to hell. Or maybe I just want them to because Hell would be no fun without free access to books. :O)

      I did find the full text on the internet (which I also want with me in Hell).... and am getting ready to read it... thanks for the reminder!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I believe it's your DUTY to entertain the priest. If you go back to confession, make stuff up.... I can send you a list of ideas if you need help!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Lady- I do NOT want to know what the people are doing with the Chalise in those churches!!

      Ewww.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      It's nice to meet you, Q. I want to thank you for recommending a church that has demons in attendance. You are so nice.

      I think I'll enjoy vacationing in Hell with you. :)

    • stclairjack profile image

      stclairjack 6 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

      fantastic!,.... gigled sadisticaly the whole time i read it!

      glad some one else though of mark twains letters from the earth, i thought of it instantly.

      i personaly have to wonder if hell wont be the more interesting place to be,.... you know all the fascinating people will be there,... hitler, kennedy, hoffa,.... martha stewart,... the guest list will be exclusive, the guys and dolls will be hot, the kitchen and dock workers will be organized,.... and it will be tastefully decorated.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Eww - grat point Sueroy! Yeah, I opted out of this practice - If you haven't been to confession for a while then you shouldn't accept the sacrament. Whew hoo! Guess who stopped going to confession?! Besides, I would probably have to make some stuff up that I did because I wouldn't want to bore the poor priest! Lol!

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 6 years ago from West By God

      AIDS is passed around by body fluids and so is Mononeuclosis, the flu and colds and many other diseases.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I don't blame you for not wanting to drink after other people...esp. since they just ate crackers; that backwash can be nasty!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I've actually gone to one of those! And it was a bit traumatizing for me cuz I thought the person needed some medical treatment but no one was doing anything! They didn't even notice! Of course, I was about 8 or so.......I just wasn't expecting that! Whew no body died in church!

      When they said "demons in the church" I snuck out cuz I knew it was me:)!

    • What Is Q profile image

      Adam 6 years ago from Tennessee

      You should go to this church I went to a few times. People get up and start speaking in tongues. It's fun to watch, but a little scary. And then the preacher gets up and says that there's demons in the church, at which point I left, because I don't want to go to the same church that demons go to. That's the kind of church I wouldn't recommend for someone's first experience. At least they weren't passing around snakes and stuff. No wine, either, sadly. Yeah, I'm probably going to hell, too. :(

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      No, I was always trying to conceal my badness:)! I also was grossed out by the chalice, I mean, I didn't want to drink after strangers!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RealHo- I think you're OK as long as you don't spit it back onto the plate.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Lady- :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Those wafers are bland and stale! I always wondered what would happen if I spit it back out;). Yeah, I'm going to hell!

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 6 years ago from West By God

      hahahahaha!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Lady Guinevere- I completely forgot about the wafers... I guess the wine was just way more memorable. (The wafers, to be honest, were just a little bland)

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 6 years ago from West By God

      LOL oh and the wafers too! LOL

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Stan- I got some flack for my "shy bladder" hub, so I expect someone, somewhere will take offense at this too. Of course, if you can get away with a hub talking about your hurt weenis,.....

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Lady Guinevere- Thank you!

      I AM a "holier than thou" person though... couldn't you tell by the way I downed all 15 wine shots? That's holier than anybody else I know!

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Sue - this was a real good 'un, but I'm with Chris and Gus. I think you'll eventually get pulverized for this one. But I could be wrong.

      Rated up......

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 6 years ago from West By God

      I laughed all the way through this! Here I was thinking your were one of those holier than thous and you are just a great person. I will rate your hub up and funny too! Thank goodness another person can think for themselves.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RealHo- I LOVE comments! I always think no one likes my stuff if I only get a few comments. Comments surprise gifts!

      $2? No way... you're comments are worth at least $2.50 each!- hey, you could make a living just commenting if you only got paid what you're worth!!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Yes people like it here! You can see why I fit in so well! Yes and here is the stalker method I use: Each night when I would normally read a novel or some such trash, I read educational hubs such as yours. I like them so much that I will visit them each night just because I can't stand feeling like, "what did I miss?". Don't worry, I try not to comment on each one because I know your time is limited:). But I have a big mouth so I usually can't help getting my $2 in:) lol!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RealHo- I have a realho stalker!! This is a red letter day!!!

      I've always wanted a stalker!

      You're so nice.

      How did you know??? :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Haha! Seriously, writing a funny article is the hardest to do (I swear I read that somewhere important!). You do it so well it's amazing. I'm hooked on your hubs and stalking you now too:-)

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I am glad I can help you learn... what NOT to do! That's so important.

      I can be the BEFORE! :)

      Thanks RealHo... You're a real... pleasure. :)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      The pleasure is always all mine Sue! I greatly admire the skill and talent you have! I laugh every single time I read yours and I only hope some day I will be that good. I am so glad I have you and some others to learn from. I have learned so much already - and this is way cheaper than any classes I have taken!

      THANK YOU!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Drbj- Thank you, for the "hilariously funny" but I don't know about the brave. "Too dumb to know better" may be more along the proper lines.

      I think it's neat that you share my admiration for two amazing authors! I watched a documentary on Mark Twain the other day and there was so much that blew me away. I didn't realize that he did "stand up comedy". He would read to a group of people that rivaled the crowds of Jeff Foxworthy!

      As far as letting anyone know where I live. I'll just put it out there right now. I live in Hell. When you get there, look around. I'll be in the cave that has flowers planted in a toilet out front.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I have heard that poem before...it's one of my favorites! You must have given your mom many, MANY grey hairs!!

      As for venturing into each religion (as to offend everyone equally..good thinking) I think I'll wait. I can't afford the body guards at this time. :O)

      Thanks so much for laughing... and thanks for making ME laugh too!!!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      Well, sue, I've just learned you are not only hilariously funny, you are also extremely brave. And we have many more things in common than I already knew: we both admire Mark Twain and Dave Barry, and no subject, well, hardly any subject is sacrosanct.

      Keep it up, m'dear, just don't let them know where you live!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Just so funny! People pounding down the wine at church! Lol! I think you should go to each denomination and do a series:). You are on to something here!!

      I think my family nicknaming me "Killer Kelly" had an effect regarding my horrid behavior. Plus here's the poem my mother used to say:

      There once was a girl

      Who had a little curl

      Right in the middle of her forehead

      When she was good she was very, very good

      When she was bad she was horrid!

      Have you ever heard of such a poem? And wouldn't you feel you should be horrid if you chose to be bad?! Lol!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Fifi- I had so much fun writing this one. My favorite hubs are the ones that start with a "what if" thought. I wondered what people would do if someone pounded down the wine at church... and I went from there.

      Thanks for the fabulous. I don't think I've ever gotten one of those! I'll SO take it!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Truckstop Sally- I've read quite a bit of Barbara Parks, I really like her stuff... but I don't remember that one. Another on my library list! I hope it doesn't give RealHousewife any more ideas!!! (that could be dangerous!)

      Thanks for liking my hub!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      RealHousewife- I'm picturing you with scary super-powers now. I'm a little frightened... but mostly I think it's wicked awesome cool!

      A girl that can stand up to the flames!! You completely rock. (You really should post a video sometime of your laser beam from the eyes fire-starting abilities! )

    • fi fi profile image

      fi fi 6 years ago from Niagara, Canada

      Fabulous, light-hearted hub!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      That is funny Truckstop Sally! I'm going to look for that! Kismet!

    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 6 years ago

      Have you read the children's short novel, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Parks? From the back of the paperback book, "The Herdman kids lie, and steal, and smoke cigars (even the girls). They also talk dirty, cuss their teachers, and take the name of the Lord in vain. The last place anyone expects to see them is in church . . ." Hilarious - like your hub.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      You have to be very bad Sue! I started off by stealing the pitchfork and giving him "what for!". I raised some Cain of my own and I can start fires without flint! I just used my eyes like in Firestarter:). I showed him the ultrasound pictures my mom had of me - I also had horns and a tail!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Real-Nice!

      How bad do you have to be to get kicked out of Hell?? No seriously, how bad? I've got a few ideas tucked up my sleeve and I'm deciding whether or not to go with them.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I have a good feeling many of the hubbers will be going to Hell - and it is fun there! I've been there once but they kicked me out;)!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Tammy- have you read Austin Star's hub on fashion in TX? Once you do, you might not want to be throwin' it around that you live anywhere near Dallas!

      One of these days I'm coming to Texas. For right now, I'll have to make due with my little piece of heaven in Indiana... but I"m savin' up! I'll stop by and see you when I make it to Hell!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Real- The whole thing was a little freaky. The priest spoke in like, Latin or something... or maybe I just had a bad seat. I'm surprised all Catholics don't have knee replacements before they're 50! I think they do that to keep everyone awake. ( I thought there were a lot of red-eyed guys there, I figured they were moved to tears, now I'm thinking they were one of the "hangover people" of which you speak. It's all making sense now!!)

      999, 994...oops I was counting wrong- how disappointing. I thought I was so much further along... :(

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      Tammy L 6 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

      Come on down here, sue. Dallas is my neck of the woods. :)

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Omg! Excellent! I was just telling my husband about your wicked funny sense of humor!

      Hilarious stuff - I can just picture your shock too! I bet it was surprising - the whole mass stand, sit, kneel - confusing even for the Catholics - many who have hang overs at Sunday mass:)

      Peace baby:-) lol!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Real- too funny! That would be so cool if people said that to each other!!!

      My daughter went to a catholic school for a couple of years (It was an awesome school) and I still remember the first time we went to church. My husband took the sacrament then came back and knelt on the kneeling bench. I was horrified. I grabbed his arm and was yell-whispering "get up, get up before someone sees you! What are you doing???" I had no idea you were SUPPOSED to do that. I thought those kneeling benches were foot rests!

      Only 995,000 more hilarious-es to go! Peace Baby!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Mysterylady- I LOVE Mark Twain, but have not read his Letters from the Earth... I will check it out at my lovely library this week. He was my hero long before I started bowing at the throne of Dave Barry.

      You must be pretty tricky, tricky to be able to get a swig, those priests are usually pretty stiff with the Chalice! Nice Work!! :)

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      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Hilarious again - I read this with my 22 yr old girl - I made her go to catholic school thru 8th grade (even an atheist should be educated in those things)! We laughed so much! A non catholic girl went to church one Sunday after spending the night - she thought when they shook hands and whispered "peace be with you" that they were saying "peace baby!". She thought they were cool:)

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      mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

      This was such fun! If you have not read Mark Twain's "Letters from the Earth," do so. I think you would love it.

      When I was in high school, we all marched to the front of the room and knelt by the altar for Holy Communion. The minister would hand each of us a wafer that resembled fish food. But then we all drank wine from the same up. We had to help the minister direct the cup (chalice) to our lips. I became quite adept in managing to get not a sip but a swig!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Gus- If only this church had thought of that I wouldn't have had to slam down all those wine shots... I probably wouldn't have had the courage to sing Zippedie Do Dah (sp?) either, which, in retrospect may not have been as appreciated by my fellow church goers as I imagined at the time.

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      Gustave Kilthau 6 years ago from USA

      Ahhh - sueroy - The slow ones have yet to read this piece. When they do, you will know that they have done so. Goronteeeeed!

      Consider the savings to churches here and there that might serve communicants water instead of wine. They could justify that by reminding folks that Jesus helped serve up water he said was wine at that wedding in Cana, way back when. I am sure that this is OK because I once used a picture of that deal as one of the illustrations in a book by a preacher that he had entitled, "The sins of Paul the apostle" whom he declared was a fellow who condoned the drinking of alcohol in the church of the day. Preacher went for that picture, so I know that the idea is a good one. :)

      Gus :-)))

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Lady Wordsmith- I'm so happy you can join our fun! Bring marshmallows, we'll make Smores!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      gr8- I've never seen chuckles on someone's face before. Are they big? Are they red? Do they hurt???

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Literary Geisha- I went to your site- loved it- and forgot all about your comment... which I appreciated deeply, by the way!

      I can listen to "hilarious" to describe anything I might write a million times..

      Thanks to you I just have 996,000 more to go!

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      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Sounds like it's going to be a great party - count me in!

      Very funny Sue, loved this :D

      Linda.

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      gr82bme 6 years ago from USA

      Very funny. Well done. I loved it. It also put a smile on my face and a few chuckles.

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Jeremey- If you are, I'll see you there! I hear there's going to be a bonfire and everything!!

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      Jeremey 6 years ago from Arizona

      Funny, very funny! I hope I am on my way to that hell place for enjoying it so!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- Does that mean Dallas, is vacationland? When I get my money saved up I'm a comin'!

      I'll bring a mankini for Bob!

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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Eiddwen- that's my favorite word. :)

      Thank you!!