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Infomercials I Just Don’t Understand

Updated on February 8, 2010


Long have I sat through many an infomercial, sometimes being close to being convinced that I simply had to have the product the out of work actors were hawking late at night. I came close to needing the containers that held everything like Tupperware but squished down to accordion sized discs for easy storage. As I would watch, almost being lulled into a commercial coma of sorts I started thinking about where I would put the 35 piece set because even if it squished down a lot, it would still take up space. Then I started thinking about the ridges that made it able to squish down, no doubt pieces of food and whatnot would get stuck in these ridges causing me to need a toothbrush or something to clean them properly. Before they were done convincing me I had to have it, I had talked myself out of it. That’s an example of an infomercial I get but what I don’t get are some of the new ones on television. Infomercials I just don’t understand – Don’t Get Me Started!

Can anyone explain to me who has so much gold that if you melted it down you could get any decent money from it? I can see where rappers who no longer had careers might be able to use a service like this but for us common folk, is there really that much “unwanted” or “broken” gold in our jewelry boxes that we would send it away to someone we don’t know with no way to verify how much was in it when we sent it and expect to see returns enough to buy that new car? I simply don’t get it. It seems like a major scam that’s on national television to me but I guess if you’re literally worth your weight in gold then this service is for you. I just have this vision of women taking those big what I called “Shaleema” earring and putting them in the magical pouch then sending it off in the big GOLD INSIDE package and expecting that it will get to its destination and that what comes back will be worth the time, energy and loss of a style of jewelry that should never have started in the first place. What many may not know is that these earrings while looking really heavy were usually hollow so as to not pull someone’s ears down to their knees and also to make them more affordable. So really, how much gold are we talking here.

Another one I don’t get is all of the ones for the Wonder Woman belt that makes your abs contract until you end up looking like “The Situation” from Jersey Shore. We all know that they go around and hire people with fabulous bodies all ready and then just strap the contraption on them making you think that the contraption is what gave them those washboard abs, right? Trust me when I say that I would like to just sit watching television and have an electronic belt do all the work to make me “ab-er-riffic” but come on, who are you morons who believe this and order it? Plus, if you’re like me, your stomach is where you carry all your excess weight (if there really was a God, he would have made it that when you gain excess weight it would go to your penis size and biceps but no, damn you God for making me a pot-bellied bear instead) so if you have layers of fat on your stomach how is the electrical current actually going to get to your abs to make them rock hard granite, huh? I mean, think about it, have you ever gotten up to find that something you were eating had fallen on your stomach? You don’t notice it until you stand up and then there are those three chips  and an M&M you had no idea where they’d gone that suddenly jump off of you like a priest who is discovered with an altar boy in his rectory! The electrical current that has to penetrate all that fat would have to be roughly the same as taking your hair dryer in the bathtub with you to get to your abs to do the supposed toning these contraptions are supposed to offer and who cares if you have great toned abs if you’ve got fat covering them? Let’s face it, to have this thing work you’d need to have a pretty blank canvas – an out of shape but no body fat abdomen in order for it to really work.

The thing about all of these infomercials is that there’s always a part of me that gets suckered in a little bit. I watched the new whatever they’re called, “Make Me Skinny” jeans for women and wondered if I could get them in my size. Never mind that it’s just a girdle that sucks everything in, causing your internal organs to atrophy while your fat comes up over the waistline “bubbling crude” like the oil Jed Clampett found when he was shooting for food, you actually look as though you’ve lost three pounds and for some, that’s enough.

Look, I’m just as big a sucker for a good marketing campaign than everyone else. I almost convince myself time and time again that these are things I actually need. I just thank God that I’m as jaded as I am so that I never actually give these people my credit card, even though they’re offering two sets for the price of one and I’m only paying shipping on the tool that makes radishes into rosettes. And let’s face it, if you’re like me , a plate never leaves my kitchen without a radish rosette (he said rolling his eyes and the words dripping with sarcasm from every pore). Not to mention the egg separator that comes with that vibrating needle to scramble the eggs in the shell, I have a feeling that people have used that thing not for its intended purpose if you know what I mean and I know that you do. I’m not saying I won’t stop watching them but I’ll still say there are a ton of infomercials I just don’t understand – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      What gets me laughing is the one off get it now never to be repeated offers that are made again each day! :lol:

    • camlo profile image

      Camlo De Ville 7 years ago from Cologne, Germany

      I love the infomercials. Can watch them for hours. They're actually more entertaing than a lot of the other stuff on TV.

      I did actually order one of those muscle building contraptions from TV. It was when they were totally new on the market, and had numerous pads to fix to the body, with double as many cables. I tried it out a couple of times (having sorted out all those cables) and, to cut a long story short, it ended up in the dustbin.

      I don't order any more ...