Is Nicole Kidman a lesbian, a diva, over Tom Cruise and did she really just say that to me?
Did Nicole Kidman really just say that to me? Oh yes she didi!
The following is an excerpt from a book I am writing titled Under the Red Carpet. Nicole's own words, will reveal much about her character, leaving you with a definite impression, about who she really is. This is a real conversation, I had with her at the MTV Movie Awards, in 2002. My job required me to interact with celebrities, at televised award show ceremonies, making sure they were where they needed to be, on queue. Being a GRIT, or Girl Raised in the South, my sense of proper decorum, is somewhat skewed. Hence, the reason for her comments. Other excerpts from this book, can be found on Facebook at Under the Red Carpet
Did Nicole Kidman Really Just Say That To Me? Oh, Yes She Did!
At the 2002 MTV Movie Awards, another off hand comment received a much more memorable response. Following along behind me, after another win for Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor were low on tar and nicotine. My job required me to take them outside for a self-service refill, on ceremonial tobacco smoke.
Talking about things we had in common earlier that evening, I had already bonded with Ewan McGregor. Nicole Kidman was easy going and friendly with me, which unwittingly exposed her to my vice.
On queue, Bad Habit adjusted Flapdoodle Lips for take off. “I date an Aussie!” flew out of my mouth, straight into Nicole Kidman’s ears! Its mission was to bond the commonality of our kindred spirits, her being from Australia and all!
Bemusement twinkled in Nicole’s eyes, while pondering my peculiar remark. I just knew she was wondering why I said something so juvenile to her.
Nicole Kidman smokes a cigarette so flamboyantly; she must have a patent pending! She owns it! Her performance was so poetically perfect; no one has the right to copy it! Except for me, I earned the right, when telling this story. It begs me to copy her! How can I possibly tell this story in person, any other way? I love to act it out, which I do every chance I get! It will be hard for me to tell with words, but I will get a kick out of trying.
Nicole Kidman was leaning her back against the outside rear wall, of the Shrine Auditorium, a haunted venue. Her obedient left arm lay belt like across her svelte waistline, in service as a prop, to the opposing arm’s rebellious, yet elegant hand. Fingers of fine porcelain were courting danger, and involving her lips, by co-mingling them with a bummed cigarette! It was a paradox of propriety, and I was an eyewitness!
Leisurely inhaling and exhaling, with her graceful profile tilted upwards, she did not pose with a pout, nor pucker, or purse her lips off to the side! An opposing picture was in my peripheral. Put out smokers posed, with their lips possessing pouts, puckered and pursed to the side, as they blew smoke showing angst! I found their protest against public proprietary policy peculiar and tacky!
However, Nicole Kidman was anything, but tacky. She oozed class! Black leather boots peeked up at my five-foot frame, as I peered down her never-ending legs! Evening black, her couture pantsuit displayed chic buttons, on the lengthy fitted jacket, which fastened modestly to the top. Both hands, handsomely bordered with white ruffles, became exclamation points, at the end of her jacket’s sleeve. Stylish lapels courted a high ruffled neckline, presenting a regal face.
Aided by pores so tight, I wondered how her skin could breathe; Nicole’s countenance was ivory perfection. The rarity of her alabaster façade glowed, illuminated by a framework of burnished golden tresses. She radiated dignity for her ingénue in public, minus Tom Cruise. Billowing around her were whispers of gossip, about their divorce, and they followed Nicole outside. Mentally, I presented her with my “Ball-Busting Bravery” Award!
Standing there looking like an artful masterpiece, I painted my mind with the memory. Nicole Kidman inhaled a cigarette with so much panache; it almost made me want to smoke again! This Lady knew how to smoke properly, while in the presence of others. I studied her every move. As an expert witness to art making history, I needed to repeat every gesture, when sharing the experience with my audience. That would be the one hanging on to my every word, if only in my imagination.
Releasing the smoke with the parallel ease of its inhalation, it seemed like slow motion in real life. Nicole Kidman waited until every plume of smoke dissipated, before she lowered and turned her famous features toward me. Her aristocratic hand still held the cigarette upward in perfect posture, not tackily bent behind her, like the other smokers lacking her poise.
It had been awhile since the comment flown by Bad Habit and Flapdoodle Lips, had arrived at the gate, and disembarked into Nicole Kidman’s ear. Its souvenir “I date an Aussie!” waited at Baggage Claim, with way too much baggage, in my opinion! After an extended exhalation from Bummed Cigarette, her mischievous eyes greeted mine conveying “Smooth landing!” There was no doubt that she knew I was the pilot of “I date an Aussie!”
Mischief and adventure were up to no good in Nicole’s eyes. Those naughty eyes held mine hostage, as they surreptitiously sailed us to her right, docking briefly, then sailed us quickly back into our locked stare, returning us from sightseeing at Ewan McGregor’s crotch!
Back from sailing, my shocked eyes widen into a look of stunned amazement! My ears, also captive, became her audience. Instantly, Nicole’s throat became an instrument of sound and in a key, reminiscing about bygone lingering satisfactions, she proclaimed:
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……..I’ll bet he’s a BIG one!”
Reeling from that concerto, my mouth was now gapping at Nicole. My curtsied nod affirmed I knew the meaning of her innuendo, while I added,
“As a mater of fact………….He plays Rugby!”
Nicole responded to my additional information after another leisurely intake and output of nicotine. With induced satisfaction she purred,
“Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh……. Then he’s a hard one, too!"
Nicole’s eyes were still smiling with mischief, as I collected my thoughts.
“Did Nicole Kidman really just say that to me? Oh yes she did!”
Nicole’s slightly off color candor and familiarity with me released Bad Habit and Flapdoodle Lips, from a later self-scolding. Nicole Kidman and I shared a bond of commonality after all!
Nicole Kidman had just sent me a postcard from the trip our eyes made together. I will never forget her message. It was loud and clear! After questioning my own ears and believing what they heard, my next thought was,
“She’s a girlfriend! Only girlfriends talk about schlong sizes of the men they date!”
Before you rush to judgment, it is imperative for you to understand the context of her comment. She was not referring to Ewan’s package. Her stealthy glance was her way of letting me in on the subject matter of her reply, which was the size in the package belonging to “I date an Aussie”! I stood there frozen in disbelief, mouth half-gapping with a blooming red blush, creeping up my face!
My mind wondered at how her raunchy, but hilarious, inside joke conflicted so much with her angelic outward reflection, which was the epitome of elegant grace. Holding back from running immediately to the first person I knew, so I could scream these thoughts aloud and fall over in disbelief, I snapped my mind back to reality.
I had not broken eye contact with her yet, in that pregnant pause. This fertilized my earlier seeded blush, which immediately blossomed into a full bloom, on my cheeks! With a wink and a nod, I excused myself. I ran to call the Aussie, to fill him in on Nicole’s rating of his schlong, and her new status as my BFF! I concluded, all Aussie men must have large schlongs, and if they play Rugby, there are added benefits. I guess an Aussie woman should know!