Jake The Bachelor ep. 1
You're All Here For ME?
Meet Jake, He Works Out
First off, "On the Wings of Love" is the lamest name ever given to a show of any genre, ever. Secondly, it didn't take long for the topless antics to start. Jake hanging out around the house, making breakfast, running on the beach...makes it seem like he doesn't own a shirt (except his uniform, of course). Whenever he was actually wearing clothes, he was talking about flying. "There are no words to describe my passion for aviation"--simmer down, Jake or you'll have to change your pants.
I wonder if it would even be possible to count all the times idiots on this show make an analogy between flying and love. Do numbers go up that high? The worst part of the montage of Jake was the shot of him posing on a motorcycle at the beach while a plane flew overhead. Top Gun, much?
I'm pretty biased since I hate the first hour of the season premieres of this show. They involve a lot of pretend-you-pose-everyday type of behavior from both the bachelor and the bachelorettes. Plus, everything they say is drenched in semi-scripted cheese ("I came here for my prince charming because I deserve a fairy tale ending"), it makes me feel lactose intolerant by the end of the episode.
Every time Jake started to speak, the camera zoomed in on one of his ever-flexing muscles, in order to distract the viewers from the senseless drivel coming out of his mouth. Hey man, I've got a sweet tooth for eye candy, but the shot of him soaping himself up in the shower was a bit much.
What's the deal with the motorcycle? Were they trying to toughen up his image since he was such a cry baby last season? He's a total geekbomb that comes on too strong with his future talk on the first date, which is probably why he rarely got a second one. Also, he believes that Jillian & Ed and Jason & Molly will definitely get married, which is why he has faith in this show. That makes me concerned about his sanity and sense of reality.
"Would you give up flying for love?" has to be the dumbest question ever asked. Followed by and equally idiotic answer, "love is more powerful than flying," but how was he really supposed to answer that?
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Let's Discuss The Ladiez
Isn't it good luck to be the first one out of the limo? I feel sorry for Jake, if that's the case this season. Rozlyn-who resembles a porn star-was the first pony out of the gate. She's been a model "for forever" which in her world equals 10 years. That would be forever, if she were 10 instead of 28. Her "fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy ride" was one of the worst comments of the night (unfortunately, they just kept getting worse).
Emily the fitness model was extremely boring and had Brenda Walsh teeth (no judgment in that statement, but that's all I could think about when she smiled).
Oddly, I think I like Ali in spite of her peacock feather antics. She took almost falling into a bush and ripping her dress with grace. I can respect that. Plus, she was trying to deal with losing her voice and still managed to be more interesting than most of the girls.
Jessie has a touch of the crazy behind her eyes. Asking Jake if he's registered his guns made me want to pull one out and shoot myself.
Tenley is cute in an overly-saccharine kind of way. I really want to like her, but then she says things like "I think I'm in love with him already"...really? Plus, I have no idea why she made a point of saying that she was a virgin when she married her first husband. Ok, that's nice but what does that have to do with anything going on that night? I'm more interested in the fact that you used to be married and you're like 12.
Ella is dangerous, I fear. In her getting-to-know-you clip, she was all about love and stuff then started boxing (and not well, from what I could tell). The part that made me uncomfortable was when she was standing in the ring giving bedroom eyes and making threats to the other imaginary girls. Yikes.
Kathryn called herself a breath of fresh air (her dress did sort of resemble a fairy, which is different), but Jake looked frightened of her. Sadly, she seemed like one of the more normal girls.
Caitlyn wants to see him in uniform. All that really means is that she's not creative enough to come up with an original statement. However, she made me realize (or remember, perhaps?) that Jake is not a tall man. A lot of these ladiez dwarfed him.
Captain Elizabeth brought a double-sided coin and played heads or tails. I'll give her some points for creativity. Haven't seen that one yet. She likes to date pilots, which is why she's single--pilots (especially Air Force) are the sailors of the modern age. In other words, they're often--not always--a lot like Tiger Woods without the billion dollars. I love stereotypes, don't you?
Alexa is inappropriate and should not be allowed to talk about her motorcycle. I don't want to hear her orgasm noise when describing her Harley. Plus, she called Jake "babe" within the first 15 seconds of meeting him. That's annoying.
Vienna was definitely set up as the wannabe Paris Hilton (much like "princess" Erika from Prince Lorenzo's season) with her little dog and gifts from daddy. She went straight for the abs when she introduced herself, which is nice since I doubt that's where he keeps his wallet.
Corrie's Kissimmee trick almost backfired. Jake looked petrified by the idea of kissing her.
Kimberly's "hook 'em horns" crap didn't make any sense. Is he a UT fan? He lives in Dallas, not Austin. I musta missed something.
Valisha has a Tessa-from-Andy's-season thing going for her. She brought Texas soil, which apparently means "the best things in life are free." I'm shocked I never drew the connection between the two before tonight. That Valisha is quite educational.
Gia owns a hair salon? I thought she was just a babbling swimsuit model....
Nanny Elizabeth looks like Megan Fox (not in the dirty way). She's ultra competitive, and I don't think that has anything to do with ol' Jakey boy. Her question about where his favorite place is, turned awkward with a quickness. He said, "right here, right now" and she responded with "mine's snowboarding." Romantic.
Channy scared me. That's all I have to say about her.
I didn't understand Ashley's picker wheel. It's pretty obvious she doesn't know how to choose things for herself, since her mother still dresses her.
Tiana was put on this show because she's Canadian, like Jillian. She claims she had love at first sight with him when she saw him on TV. That's a recipe for disaster.
Christina's jelly bean stunt backfired all around. Jake didn't get it, and the girls were ready to pin her down and shove those bags down her throat. Not a good start.
Ashleigh fell right into his arms (planned?). Then, she had absolutely nothing to say. What a waste of a great opener.
I know nothing about Kristen other than she's a waitress. Whoooo hooo!
Dance instructors like Stephanie always have a good in, if they use it correctly. (SPOILER ALERT: It didn't work out for her).
Sheila the pilot was not what I imagined. She didn't seem too quick on the uptake. Plus, a pair of aviators for a pair of aviators had an entire can of Cheez Whiz sprayed all over it.
Michelle claimed that she wants to be his copilot, but then quickly froze when he asked her if she has ever flown before. She quickly told him that she would love to be a passenger on his plane and then scurried off. What?
The Cocktail Party
Corrie took the opportunity to interview Jake during her one-on-one time. "What are your hobbies?" "I like to build furniture." "What are your priorities?" "Number one is getting out of this conversation...." Ok, so I tweaked his answer slightly.
Ella referring to herself as his "future wife" and the "love of his life" was seriously pushing me over the edge. It's like watching football, but instead of me yelling "Catch the ball!" I found myself yelling "You're insane!" I can't believe she let her son give his favorite plane to some strange man he'll probably never meet. Nice guilt trip, Ella.
Ashley's flight attendant costume was a bit ridiculous, but I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Do you think her mom sent her that and told her to wear it the first night to help snag her a man? Creepy.
Nanny Elizabeth called the costume desperate, but immediately busted out her own prop--the football. Did her evil plan work or backfire when it turned into a whole-house game of blondes vs. brunettes? I smell some producer influence...
Michelle is straight from the looney barrel, and is still dripping with absurdity. When you say you're just looking to "feel even" it generally means you forgot to take your crazy pill. When she was talking to Rozlyn on the couch, she closed her eyes and dramatically answered her questions. When desperation turns to tears, everyone in the house should sleep with one eye open!
Isn't it interesting that Vienna is so energetic that she doesn't have time to find a job. I'm sure it's because of the economy and her hard knock life.
Kathryn wears a fake engagement ring to scare off freaks. Who hasn't done that?
I thought Tenley was a good choice, and then she freaked out about giving him a little peck. I'm not sure she's ready for any kind of relationship, especially not one that is televised.
He is a Pretty Boy
Jillian & Ed Come Out to Play
Jillian & Ed show up as the "successful couple" from last season. That is, if you ignore all of the rumors of his infidelity. But, I'm not here to perpetuate senseless rumors... I do find it interesting that Jillian is considered a great judge of character after keeping Wes around until the end of her season. It was nice that she trusted her philandering boyfriend around all those desperate women. Ed threw in a couple of inappropriate comments, and had to have a bad word bleeped out, but other than that he behaved. He really dug Nanny Elizabeth (shocker) and Jillian liked Ella (boo) and Kathryn. They both thought Sheila was a good choice because she's a pilot, and that's the only reason. Who asked for their opinion again?
Who Is Your Favorite Bachelor?
Skank of the Week
Channy for saying, "You can land your plane on my landing strip any time."
Frontrunners (if they exist at this point)
"If you don't get a rose, it's nothing personal." Breaking up isn't personal? Interesting perspective.
I hate when girls cry on the first night.
The roses went to:
Michelle (producer's pick...)