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Jake The Bachelor ep. 2
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Rozlyn Diddles a Staffer
The production assistants were apparently too busy romancing the bachelorettes to create quality date cards this season. Usually, they’re beautifully written and brought to the house in a treasure box, or in some other only-for-theatrical-purposes way. The first date card was tossed on the table by Chris Harrison, like he was throwing smelly chum to the sharks. Later, the “come fly with me” date card was scribbled in black sharpie. Nothing more romantic than that.
Christina spent the episode vying for the crown of “Queen Crazy.” She was referring to Jake as her “future husband” which is a common label given to semi-strangers by desperate cuckoo birds.
Did the producers make Jake unbutton his shirt to a creepy, old-man-in-Miami level? We get that he has a saucy body, but on the occasion that he’s allowed to be fully dressed, can he at least wear an entire shirt?
Christina went on and on about how superior the others were going to be at the photo shoot. She would rather “take a math test” than have her picture taken. She probably should have focused less on how “perfect” Rozlyn was, and worried more about her Flock of Seagulls hair-do. It was very nice of Jake to dance with the spazz--I wonder if he gets community service hours for that.
Roz, on the other hand, was taking every opportunity to brag about being a model. Apparently being in bridal magazines is at the top of the modeling pyramid while swimsuit is at the bottom, who knew? More importantly, who cares? It was cute that the photographer (who oddly looked like a porn star as well) had to tell good ol’ Roz to keep her legs together. Foreshadowing, perhaps? She promptly showed her “cha-cha” thus making her a tough act to follow. Where do you go from there, really? This could have turned into one big spring break photo shoot with a quickness.
A bit of Jake’s sleazy side came out when he gave Ashleigh pervert eyes when she broke up his private time with Gia clad in only a bikini. It’s nice to see he’s not a complete prude. Then, of course, all the girls threw on their bathing suits and broke up the “romance” going on in the pool. Christina noted how amazing Roz looks in the near-buff. I think she might be obsessed. In order to cope with her unrequited crush, Christina found the bar and threw back as much as she could—always the classy move.
Even if it wasn’t revealed that Rozlyn was a skankbomb, she was way too aggressive for Jake anyway. She put on a good act, pretending to be into such a square by sucking on his face and slipping her hand down his naked chest. It was obvious that she’s super-competitive, no matter what the prize. She called getting the rose “an accomplishment” instead of being excited about Jake’s interest in her.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Michelle had to try on the diamond necklace before they knew who was going on the date. Luckily, for Jake’s safety, Ali was the one who got to go on the one-on-one date (while Michelle stood back and shot daggers from her eyes). I like Ali, but does she own a dress that isn’t yellow? It was a good choice…ahem, producers…for Ali to go on the airplane date since she’s afraid of flying. It was nice that Jake pretended to check the plane so she felt better. Like ABC would allow its reality “stars” to go up in an unstable aircraft—that just leads to bad publicity.
I thoroughly enjoyed the smoggy LA skyline, as they flew around the city. Nothing spells romance like pollution! I wonder how many cows had to be milked for the cheese needed to play the song “On the Wings of Love” during the flight scene. In a very “unscripted” way, Ali followed this up with back-to-back love/flying analogies: their “relationship was taking off”, “flying high”, blah blah blah.
Once they landed, they got into a convertible to drive to Palm Springs (that’s like 2 hours away, so they spent A LOT of time together off-camera). I only make a note of that because those flying dates are not conducive to conversation. It was nice that Ali didn’t get a kiss until after she got the rose. There was something sincere about that (Awwww, I’m turning into a monster). Chicago is such a random band choice, were all the country stars busy that night? If he hadn’t given her the rose, would they have just packed up and gone home? Or would Jake have attended the special concert all alone and forlorn? Awkward.
Back at home, Michelle was having yet another breakdown. This one was in the style of a 2-year old temper tantrum. She claims she’s not “ordinary” like the other women, she’s the “nice girl everybody hates.” There’s so much wrong with that, I don’t even know what to say. Who is she nice to and who hates her? They’re all too afraid she’s gonna pull a Carrie and burn down the house with her telekinetic powers to hate her to her face! Freak.
On the Six Flags date, Ashley showed her stalker side when she declared that “Jake is my man, he just doesn’t know it yet.” Creepy. I’m not sure where Vienna’s hatred for Nanny Elizabeth came from. All of a sudden, Vienna got very suspicious of Nanny’s every move. Anyway, Nanny Elizabeth is obviously out of her mind when it comes to her note-writing. First of all, it’s not like it was poetry, it was a note you’d write to a boy you like in 7th grade. Did she learn this trick from the kids she babysits? Plus, if that note was her being “naked and natural” then Jake is better off not being allowed to kiss her—she’s trite and boring.
Vienna’s secret made me rethink the character they tried to build in her introduction last episode. Being engaged to the pastor’s son in high school is not something that Paris Hilton would have done. Or maybe she would have…hmm. The best part of Vienna’s story was the revenge marriage. I’m sure it was all heartbreaking and everything, but that’s straight out of an Etta James song (“Stop the Wedding” anyone?). However, the significantly-less-interesting Ashley interrupted this grand confession and babbled while her eyes got larger by the second. Quite scary, actually.
After snapping at her inexplicable nemesis Vienna, Nanny Elizabeth received the date rose. She then proceeded to talk about absolutely nothing but how she wasn’t going to kiss Jake during their time. Does she have anything else up her sleeve?
Rozzin' the Production Crew
So finally, good ol’ Rozzy-pie gets called outside to speak with Chris Harrison about such a daunting topic, that Chris actually stumbles over his script. His voice cracked like a 13-year old boy more than once during the confrontation. Rozlyn defended herself by saying “My personal life isn’t anybody’s business.” Not exactly a solid defense. How ‘bout “I have no idea what you’re talking about”? Now (in real life, not reality TV) she claims it was all a publicity stunt and she’s the victim. Ha! Then she should have laid some groundwork for that lie by at least making a shocked face and attempting to deny the illicit affair. Amateur.
Chris was my favorite part of this who situation by repeating the word “staffer” at every turn, and by making sure to point out that there’s “no judgment” in The Bachelor house. Then, he took Jake aside and declared that what happened was “so serious, you needed to know” which was a roundabout way of saying, “your pick got kicked!”
The worst part of all of this was the wasted opportunity for Jake to show any kind of emotion besides crying like a baby. Get mad! Break something! The “toughest” response he could conjure was “Can I get my rose back?” He even pulled a mom line with “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.” I’m sure that would have worked if Roz was 8. Even Ali, the sweet little girl in yellow, had the cajones to say “eh, F-her” (and apparently someone already had ;0). Inappropriate.
I didn’t get why all the rest of the girls cried at the news that Rozlyn had been gettin’ some on the side. Tenley took the moment to work on her Method acting by tapping into her own personal betrayal from her ex-husband to relate to the character of Jake. Send her to Inside the Actors Studio, pronto!
So, it’s a big fat SEE YA to Rozlyn and some other unfortunate souls (sorry Christina, there’s only room for one lunatic in this house and her name is Michelle). On a side note, I wonder how much makeup ends up on Jake’s jacket from all those caked-up faces at the rose ceremonies.
Skank of the Day Award
Rozlyn for participating in extracurriculars with the “help”
Rozlyn-retracted by Sir Chris Harrison
Valisha-was she in this episode?
Corrie-has a big face, but looks better with her hair up.