Jake the Bachelor Finale
Who Will He Choose?
Meet the Family
There’s no doubt that was Jake’s family. He entered the room and everybody cried. He wanted a “dog-pile hug” from all of them, which just sounds painful.
Jake described the girls to his family and used the normal words like “sweet” and “caring” about Tenley. However, he slipped up and told everyone that all the girls in the house hated Vienna. Mama Dukes told him right away that there might be something to that. He instantly regretted letting that minor detail slip out. He repeated his concerns about his family’s negative preconceived notions about Vienna over and over and over.
Tenley Leads the Way
Tenley fit right in with Jake’s family. It was a day full of emotional outbursts. If Jake and Tenley had a kid, they’d have to invent a new word for “cry baby.”
Jake’s mother, Sallie, had a go-to question about conflict resolution. She was really concerned that whoever marries Jake is going to start clawing out the eyes of the other women in the family the second Sallie goes on vacation. Tenley told Sallie about her divorce and everybody cried. Tenley won Mama Dukes over with their special Oprah moments.
Tenley revealed to Jake’s dad that her former in-laws were jackholes. Then she gave a little speech about her and Jake’s imaginary children, and Pops interrupted her with a hug. Awwww. It was adorable.
Jake and his Momz had a crazy conversation about his concerns that roughhousing may drive him and Tenley apart. However, when it was time to jump in the pool with all her clothes on, Tenley was all about it. Is all right with the world now that she’s shown a playful side? Their dirty pool makeout session was interrupted by his brothers crashing the party fully clothed. The rest of the ladies didn’t follow suit—does that mean they married the wrong women? Apparently “wild” behavior is a must in this family.
The Pavelkas did not want to meet anyone else, they were sold on Tenley.
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Vienna Brings a Gift Basket
Vienna was super nervous about meeting Jake’s family, which led her to be anti-charming. Her sense of humor was not appreciated in that company. She thought it was hilarious that the other girls hated her, and Jake’s sister-in-law didn’t think she was classy at all.
Mama Dukes didn’t see any red flags with Tenley, but Vienna was like a big red pirate ship rolling in. Jake, of course, went back to blaming himself. Jake’s brother thought “brutal honesty” was a defense mechanism that should be reserved for children. Interesting point.
Vienna trashed Tenley for being too sweet and not having any opinions. Vienna also said that Jake is in love with her and not Tenley, to which the sisters called her out for being overly confident.
Sallie sat Vienna down for a let’s-talk-about-what’s-wrong-with-you chat, and opened with almost those exact words. Sometime in there, Vienna convinced Sallie that she’s just misunderstood. Meanwhile, the sisters-in-law also changed their tune about Vienna. Why Laura, the sister-in-law, started crying about judging Vienna, I’ll never understand.
Vienna is a used car salesman. By the end, she sold everyone on her bullshit. Good for her, everyone needs a talent!
Vienna Volcanic Date
Jake and Vienna got down and dirty in a mud hole on their last-chance date. Their “natural chemistry” grosses me out. Their champagne glasses went in the water before they drank out of them. Hope it’s fresh water. Then again, I guess dirtier things have been in their mouths.
Vienna gave Jake her Daddy Ring as a sign of her commitment to him. Interestingly, she talked about how her mistake of marrying her “friend” helped her mature and grow up—Jake said earlier that Vienna had some maturing left to do. Who is right? She gave him the ring, and then got really scared they’d never be together again. She seemed sincere in her panic over losing him, which was refreshing.
Tenley Takes Over
Jake was on “Cloud 9” to see Tenley. They went snorkeling and Tenley waxed poetic about how amazing and wonderfully marshmallowy her life with Jake would be. This was quickly followed by one of the most awkward boat rides I’ve ever witnessed.
Jake had some concerns that he and Tenley have “perfect emotional chemistry," but lack “physical chemistry.” He also pointed out that he was not referring to sexual chemistry. She, and everyone else at home, had no idea what that meant. Tenley was shocked because she thought they had all sorts of passion between them. Way to pinch her defenses! She had flashbacks to her lyin’ cheatin’ husband. It’s pretty terrible to find out that your dude-friend isn’t as physically attracted to you as you thought.
Later that night, he tried to backtrack on that conversation by saying random things like, “I love your smile.” Sexy. His schmoozing (and avoiding) worked and they played kissy face and talked about how they love to kiss each other.
In my opinion, Tenley should have given him some lingerie instead of a shadow box of memories. He knows the sweet side, now bring out the sassy girl!
Jake Picks A Ring
Jake stood around, half-naked, pondering his future, yet again. Montages abound! He sat by a pool, in a catalog pose. Meanwhile, Tenley drank some coffee in her bikini while their relationship ran through her mind, and Vienna showered while thinking about Jake. Good grief.
Shortly after, Jake has a meeting with the jeweler. First of all, how did they get Neil Lane himself instead of “Bob” or “Sarah” who works for Neil? How big is this budget?
A little piece of advice fellas, you shouldn’t be shopping for a ring if you don’t know who you’re gonna give it to. That’s lesson #1. Neil let Jake keep two rings for a few extra hours, since he knew ABC would return the rejected one. It’s called insurance, ladies and gentlefolk.
Well, That Was One Direction To Go
The Final Rose
The girls came by helicopter to the engagement plaza. For some reason, the busses weren’t running that day.
Tenley arrived first. She was “more-than-positive” that her new life started that day. Then she was delivered the most pause-ridden rejection in the history of break-ups. He told her that he loved her and that she’s perfect, which is pretty awful. He told her, “something just doesn’t feel right” and they both cried. Tenley, the little ray of sunshine that she is, kept repeating that she was grateful to have been able to love again. Nice mantra. The walk back to the bridge was riddled with dramatic stops, and women all over America were screaming at their TVs.
Jake explained that he felt there was something “forced” about his feelings for her, which is terrible to hear, I’m sure. Jake took a moment to cry over a railing one last time as the bachelor. Poor Tenley was holding onto the dream that Jake would realize he made a mistake and would come for her. That’s kind of what Ali thought would happen for her too.
Believe it or not, I really didn’t care that he picked Vienna. He’s such a bore, I wouldn’t wish him on anyone, honestly. However, it was really annoying when Vienna and Jake started whispering. Hello, some of us are trying to blog here! I had to turn the volume up on my TV to the max. Inconsiderate jerks.
Jake gave Vienna her Daddy Ring back. His face went into ultra-creep mode when he switched from dramatic might-be-a-breakup speech to “I Love You.” That ring is ginormo. They actually played the “On the Wings of Love” song during the final montage of their relationship. Seriously, does it get cheesier?