ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Jake the Bachelor ep. 7

Updated on July 8, 2013

You Sure You Wanna Do This Man?

Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka
Chris Harrison and Jake Pavelka | Source

The Final Three—or Four?

This is the point in the show where the producers fill the two-hour timeslot with a ton of recaps.  Chris Harrison sat down with Jake for a little game of “Remember That Time…”  The way he describes the women can be quite telling.  Gia is “so beautiful” and their vineyard date was the “best ever.”  He described Tenley as a little ray of sunshine:  sweet, fun, cute, energetic, etc.  He thinks of Vienna as “bold,” “aggressive,” and a little like Jafar-from-Aladdin (that’s my interpretation, anyway).

Meanwhile, Ali couldn’t stay gone.  The cameras showed her back in San Francisco, inexplicably in a hotel robe, pining for Jake.   His promotional photos from the show were strategically placed next to Ali’s bed so when she randomly awoke from her nap, she could gaze longingly at them.  Puh-lease.

The Bachelor on Amazon

Gia Gets Tubbed in St. Lucia

Jake asked Gia at the beginning of their date if she liked boats. Oh how short his memory is--she took him on a boat ride in NYC. They spent the day among the native St. Lucians, who definitely took advantage of the dumb Americans with the TV cameras. Jake and Gia bought so much stuff, but ABC picked up the tab, I’m sure. Jake gave Gia a heart necklace (which resembled one I wore in 7th grade), which inspired the cheesiest garbage to come spewing from Gia’s mouth. She said “I’m going to wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve.” Ridiculous.

Jake said he would love to come back to St. Lucia on his honeymoon. Wouldn’t that be weird to take your wife to the place where you slobbered all over three women, literally? Gia, in her own crazy talk, decided she wanted an I-love-you-let’s-be-together-forever speech from Jake by the end of the date. Does she realize there are contracts involved in this setup?

During their dinner, Gia pulled her signature fingers-in-the-mouth move (sans band aid, thank goodness). Does she think that’s endearing? She tells Jake that she’d never seen this “deep” side of him before. She seems to be overly-impressed by Jake, and I’m seriously concerned about the kind of clowns she hangs out with in real life. Not to take things out of context, but she declared “I’m ready to go all the way” before entering the Fantasy Suite where they frolicked in the bathtub together. Saucy.

Pick Me, Pick Me!

Tenley on The Bachelor
Tenley on The Bachelor | Source

Tenley Sees His Passion

In return for her private dance performance, Jake wanted to show Tenley his passion—for aviation.  I guess they couldn’t find anything for him to fly so they had to ride in a helicopter that was piloted by someone else.  Didn’t Ali get the real deal on her date with him?

In the real world, apparently, Jake is extremely spontaneous and loves to jump on a plane to the Caymans on any given Saturday.  I can only hope for whatever sad sap he chooses, that this is the truth lest she be bored for all eternity.   Anyway, Jake told Tenley that he will have a “boy crush” on his wife 20 years into the marriage, to which, of course, Tenley oooh’ed, aaah’ed, and giggled.

It was a pretty standard date for these two.  They had dinner, talked about hearts and love, and then danced.  She was shocked that a pansy like Jake could actually lead a dance partner.  Turns out, Tenley is looking for someone to lead her through life and dip her forever.  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty unpleasant. 

Tenley was a little tentative about sharing the Fantasy Suite because, as we all know, she’s not that kind of girl.  I don’t think when entering said suite, you sign a contract that you must strip naked and rub up against anyone else in there.  That would just be weird.  In the end, she decided to trust the smooth-talking Jake who praised her for her morals and values, and then probably threw them out the window.  Not judging.

Plundering Vienna’s Booty

For their date, Jake and Vienna got to ride around on the actual ship from The Pirates of the Caribbean.  Obviously, Jake has never seen a pirate before because when he put on the eye patch, he closed both his eyes.  What a moron.  They spent almost the entire boat ride licking each other’s faces, except when they climbed the mast of the boat and raised a lot of questions about their mutual fear of heights.  Somebody’s not telling the truth.

Vienna said more than once that she has never been in love before.  That makes her two past relationships, an engagement and a marriage, extremely shady.  That one is not to be trusted.  I find it ironic that Jake has to make sure there’s more than just a physical attraction between him and the least fetching lass left.  It speaks a lot to his taste that he’s so enamored by a girl who is constantly watching the dancing bears above his head.

Another interesting note, he asked Vienna if she’s ready to be married, but left off the “again” part which is ever-present in his conversations with Tenley.   He also asked Vienna what kind of ring she’d like, but not anyone else (on camera, that is).  She declared her love for him, in an overly-dramatic tear-filled fashion, as I rolled my eyes at the TV.

There was no doubt Vienna would take the Fantasy Suite invitation, and it was not at all shocking that she paraded around in lingerie.  That’s a great way to show you have more than just a physical connection.  Yep.

Please, Please, Please

Jake Pavelka and Ali on The Bachelor
Jake Pavelka and Ali on The Bachelor | Source

Ali’s Cry of Desperation

Jake was hanging out in his hotel room, slathering his face with a little Oil of Olay (I use the same stuff), when the phone mysteriously rings.  Who might it be?  Why, it’s Ali of course, begging for another chance.   The real question is, what was Jake chewing on while listening to her grrr and dramatically pause after every half-sentence?  How fickle TV love is, last week you’re a frontrunner who had his heart, this week he’s seen three other women naked, and therefore you’re blacklisted.  He apologized for “hurting her feelings” like he teased her on the playground during recess.  One thing is for sure, she will never find anyone else like Jake—there’s no one else in the world that is that big of a cheesebomb.

In Lieu of Cocktails—Videos!

In typical soap-opera style, the cameras watched Jake get dressed while running a monologue about love, heartbreak, or whatever, and zooming in on his perfectly sculpted abs.  While he recapped the dates for Chris Harrison, he sounded the most excited about Tenley’s, but said he might be in love with Vienna.   Oh the drama.

Tenley’s video was all about kissing, babies, puppies, and love stuff.  She stays true to herself, at least.  Gia was really awkward with her sheepish little girl body language and childlike voice.  She was practically in the fetal position on that rock.  Quite the contrast to Vienna, who was standing and declaring her love for him and saying she wants to flirt with him for the next 80 years.  Gross.

Gia on The Bachelor
Gia on The Bachelor | Source

Rose Ceremony

Gia was super-fidgety like she already knew her fate.  Tenley received the first rose, so they could amp up the drama.  Vienna always receives the last one, in hopes that there are women all over the country screaming at their TV sets like men watching football.  Don’t do it Jake!  Alas, he always does.  Tenley looked angry, which was a nice change in emotion for her.

Jake took Gia to a bench so they could discuss their break up, and her face looked like she walked through a sprinkler on the way.  Was it a snot/tears/sweat combination or just a hot glitter mess?  She conceded defeat to the other girls.  She needs to listen to a little old-school Whitney Houston and find the “Greatest Love of All.”

Please place your FINAL pick in the comments section.

My Pick

Tenley, but I wouldn’t put it past Jake to pull a Brad Womack and not pick anyone.

Down to the Divorcees

Tenley

Vienna

 

Who Will Jake Pick?

See results

Skank of the Week

Vienna, for daring to wear white lingerie during her Fantasy Suite sloppy thirds. 

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Megavitamin profile imageAUTHOR

      Megavitamin 

      7 years ago

      Thanks for the perspective, Malissa.

    • profile image

      malissa lemoine 

      7 years ago

      i dont like it that jake send elizabeth to home i think they are perfect together , i dont get it i am so confuest :S :( i cry last night about that i think that she is so perfect

    • profile image

      Caroline 

      8 years ago

      Had I not just seen Ali on some TV show last week talking about not wanting to become next bachelorette, I would have guessed that she would make a dramatic in-person appearance on the last episode and end up with the final rose. That, said, I think he will pick Vienna. Eww.

    • theherbivorehippi profile image

      theherbivorehippi 

      8 years ago from Holly, MI

      I have been waiting for this Hub all week!! Finally! haha So....thank you for not appreciating the white lingerie. I don't want him to pick either of the girls but if I have to choose then I'd pick Vienna even though her eyes are very odd to me. Tenley, as sweet as she is seems that she will be the poster child for clingy and make Jake the ONLY thing in her life. Quite honestly I wanted Ali to come back. I think she's the only one that would be capable of having a normal relationship and still wanting to have more in her life. I totally agree that Jake is so boring. I mean really, how exciting is he going to be when there isn't all of these romantic, carefully planned out, paid for dates? Well written as always!! I'll check back with you next week!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)