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Jillian The Bachelorette The Men Tell All
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In case you didn't notice this season, this was the whiniest, cattiest, punkass group of dudes ever assembled on The Bachelorette. This was reiterated in The Men Tell All episode, where they took every opportunity to attack each other like "ladies" on a Rock of Love reunion. I'm going to hit some of the highlights before my blood pressure goes up in annoyance.
Chris Harrison earned his paycheck with this episode. He called the ropes course one of the "coolest" and "most romantic dates of the season" with a straight face. I'll give you that it was a nice break from helicopter rides and personal serenades, but let's not overinflate its amazing-ness level. Then Chris had to referee the great Man Code Debate of 2009 (which was more of a who-is-a-bigger-douche-bag debate). I love that he got to be the voice of reason and say what was on everybody's mind: who cares! I wonder how long he was holding that one in.
Tanner P. inspired Jillian to wear mango-mango on her toes. Yikes! That's all I have to say about that.
The what-we-didn't-see reel had some funny stuff on it. I'd take advice from a Harlem Globetrotter any day, even if it's not always accurate. He said Kiptyn isn't the one for her-I agree. I don't think Kip's a cheater, but he's not right for her. However, the Globetrotter liked David and he's the biggest turdbucket of them all (besides Wes).
The footage of wasted Ed in Vancouver was priceless--"That's a lot of words you just threw at me." He had some pretty sweet dance moves. Plus, I think it's important to find out if the dude you might want to marry is a happy drunk or an eye-bulging lunatic like David. On a positive note, Reid was adorable trying to hula dance! How did she not keep him? Also, why didn't they show Kiptyn's charity work? The rest of his hometown date wasn't all that great, and that was more interesting than their time in the hot tub.
Finally, how did Jillian's "overreacting" to the pepperoni get past the sensors? Talk about inappropriate! The only thing I got from the never-seen footage is that everybody was wasted the entire season, which I already knew.
Jason Returns and Trista Doesn't!
Did Jason break his nose recently, or did it always look like that? Anyway, it's nice to hear that he and preppy-pants have surpassed the usual 3-month breaking point in the typical Bachelor relationship. What he did will always remain in the Wow-That-Was-Jacked-Up section of reality TV history, but at least everyone came out of it in a pretty good mood. Melissa is engaged to a cutie pants, and Jason started a website out of the goodness of his heart (and not because he got fired from his last job, I'm sure).
The most annoying part of my week came as a result of Jason making a small statement that he would like to marry Molly "someday." Like I said, I don't care if they have a happy ending or whatever, but the next day all the headlines read "JASON MESNICK STEALS THE SHOW WITH ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT." What? Did my ears blink again? I didn't hear that, nor did I see Molly rocking any hardware on her lefty. I hate slow entertainment news days, but at least Trista and Ryan took the day off!
Jesse got the biggest applause, and then they never gave him time to speak. He didn't really deserve it after he came to David's defense. Boo that.
They always give Jake opportunities to kiss Jillian's ass, whether she's there to hear it or not. The guys were all over him for being "perfect." I don't find white-bread-boring-gentlemen types perfect. They make me want to take a nap. However, I don't get how Sasha interpreted Jake's geeky schoolboy behavior as acting. Besides, when are geeks the standard for perfection? Plus, perfect men don't cry so damn much. He's like a pageant boy with all his super-wonderful answers. He obviously wasn't Jillian's type in the end, but neither were the rest of those rejects. Live and let live, morons!
Robby was always drunk. Wow, shocker.
David is an awful human being, that much is a given. I wonder how much of the Man Code Debate they had to edit out for time purposes. I'm into male camaraderie and all that good stuff, but it seems to escape some of these clowns that you can be loyal to your boyz while still respecting women and doing the right thing. I wanted to high-five Chris Harrison for reiterating that point. Dave seemed to be looking for an opportunity to relive his frat days when he signed up for this show. I think Tool Academy might have been a better fit for him. Saying "I'm from the country" doesn't justify being a jerkface, Big Dave. Besides, Britney Spears already used that excuse when she went barefoot in a public bathroom, so at least be original.
The sad thing about David is that he still thought his antics from the night he groped Jillian were funny. He doesn't know how to take responsibilities for his actions. He used every excuse, until Juan pointed out that they were all in the same situation and didn't try to cop a feel on an unsuspecting lady. Jillian seemed really nervous talking to David, probably because she wasn't sure if he was going to blow up the building at any moment. Psycho.
Mike explained that jocks and frattys ruled the house; I think to justify ostracizing Juan. I didn't like Juan or anything, but it doesn't get any more high school than jocks picking on the sensitive loner guy. They also had zero tolerance for Jake as the altar boy who did his homework every night-so what? How did that really affect any of them? If sweaty, smelly, manly men are the end-all be-all, then why were they so threatened by the geekbombs in the house? I guess that's one way to channel your insecurities...
Speaking of jackholes, why did they play any of Wes's song? In fact, since he didn't show up, they shouldn't have even talked about him. The dude doesn't need any more free publicity. Tanner F revealed what we already knew, that Wes wrote those songs for his real girlfriend. I did not understand why Sasha and Mike were on Team Wes. It's pure shenanigans to think Wes developed feelings for Jillian at any point in the show. Didja miss his exit interview?
The best part of the Wes portion of the Tell All, was the poor guy in the audience who got called out for his opinion on the situation. He'll never live down the fact that he got dragged to a taping of The Bachelorette by his wife. Too bad everyone who will make fun of him was at home watching with their ladiez too. What can I really say about the final audience comment other than--walking snakes! They put together a musical tribute to Wes--the guy who garnered a lot of attention by making America want to punch him in the face (he's the new Jason!). He sealed it all with, "My acting days are over, I've gone as far as I can with Jillian." Can we please stop talking about him forever? Thanks.
The best fella in this whole group of rejects was Michael. He may have been the least mature in the house at times, but he was the only one not in attack mode at the reunion. He even stood up for too-perfect Jake while everyone else chewed him up like chum in a shark's den. Poor Michael was still sad about Jillian, but he handled it respectably. I'm not surprised she threw out Michael's name as a tough break up because he's a sweet kid (the "kid" part is what will prevent him from becoming The Bachelor anytime soon).
Now it's down to the final two...I mean three. Let me know who you predict will walk away with the final rose. Kiptyn, Ed, or REID! My heart is rooting for Reid, but I'm afraid she's gonna end up with Ed.